Life In Transition

What was I "NOT" Thinking?

2012-01-28T15:17:00.002-05:00

Tonight the unthinkable happened that could have compromised my own safety.. I was relaxing in my room watching the news... My son was in his room preparing to go out.... Someone knocked on the front door, I heard it my son heard it too, he was about to go downstairs to answer the door, we thought who ever it was left. A few minutes later we heard this very loud pounding on the back door, this person had to go through the back yard , the gate has a lock on it so he jumped over the gate. He wasn't a spring rooster either !! I answered the door he immediately said he was from the court was here to deliver some papers.He asked me to read the names on the documents. It wasn't me or was it my landlord...While standing at the door he literally pushed himself in. Next thing I knew he was in the back hallway disputing me... I was trying to explain the names on the court papers were my neighbours NOT US!!. They have rented it to students. Since both the University and College are in the vicinity. - it is deemed a students residence. He was trying to insist that he had the right place. Our address is similar we share the same street number, but there is an *A in front of the other house. Easily confusing always having to direct people to the correct house or retrieve and deliver the correct mail to the right house.. He then started asking if I rent here do I pay my rent monthly is my rent paid on time, questions I didn't expect. Or were any of his business!! By this time he is walking towards my kitchen claiming he wants to give me *a better opportunity to read the court papers in a better light .* I told him to stop, directed him to the stairs., he was starting to unnerve me along with feeling very uncomfortable with this man , but I did not let it show.

I called my son asked him to escort this man downstairs show him the door along with correct address. He still wasn't making a move I firmly told him "This conversation is now over.."!
After he was gone, my son came in to see me and asked if I had lost my mind letting a total stranger in.
He was clearly upset. I told him the guy just pushed through before I knew he was inside the hallway!!
My son was angry, he hollered at me saying..."Mom do you see how easy that was??"What if I wasn't home?? Why did you open the door? A hundred why's
He was right of course."Mom how were you going to protect yourself? What if he attacked you? What if he tried to hurt you rape you?"Worse yet Kill You"!! You let a stranger into the house!!

I put myself in a vulnerable situation. My son is leaving again to move back out west, British Columbia in March or early April. He told me that I need to be in a more secure area or at least in a building little harder to access.
Somewhere that someone can't just walk into your apartment He is right of course. My reflexes are not the same as they once were, I couldn't protect the cat let alone myself. In past weeks there have been some sporadic break ins along with a couple of home invasions, in fact one was a mother and her son being held hostage by a group of thugs, The mother was duct taped as she watched her 17 year old son be pistol whipped.One of these criminals knew the mother was on pain medication for an illness she had.It was a planned invasion ..coming for money and her pain meds.

You have to be so careful what you say to be sure someone isn't listening or invite strangers in to your home . We used to have a standing joke our city was so safe, the robber would leave his doors unlocked. Tonight was a wake up call. Even though this guy was legitimate his method was less than desireable. He needed to serve papers.

-Understood-

The startling fact is I didn't even ask him his name or identification....

Three Years and Stopped Counting

2012-01-23T01:21:00.002-05:00

Today as beloved Cheryl Radford was having her Funeral service in Australia, Dear Daria passed away one year today. Another amazing courageous woman who left us with all her dignity and beauty left for us to remember Daria by.
I have said it before, Daria was the first person to encourage me to Blog, tell others how I felt about how things affected me, my treatment also as a release. Where else can you turn to when you feel isolated except to others who understand...?
Daria it has been one year but you have not been forgotten. Take care of our friend Cheryl....She's the Newbie-Angel in Heaven..

My three year anniversary in being diagnosed with Breast Cancer is fast approaching at the end of the month. Some one asked if the "Anniversary" was for celebrating.Gee! How do you celebrate a diagnosis of Cancer...? Oh I know there are those forever optimists that believe life is sprinkled with Fairy Dust there is good in everything including Cancer. Sorry I don't buy into that nonsense of there being positive reasons why I no longer have breasts. Or have had to put up with crappy side effects from Chemo up until this day. I don't think I will be throwing a Pink Party this week or next. The same person who asked about celebrating also asked me if I have become used to not having breasts....That's like asking if you can get used to not having a foot. Your body parts are amputated because they have potentially lethal tumors growing inside of the Breast tissue ..some of us also have lymph node involvement which makes our condition a little more serious and of course being told you have cancer at a late stage is not exactly celebrating material. But you can always get a new breast!! hahahaha that is a roll your eyeball moment....I don't let things like that upset me any longer because I have come to realize Cancer is a very scary topic to most people but when you know someone who has it their reactions are unclear on how they cope.Some just ask silly questions. You silently gnash your teeth mumble under your breath, smile pretty anticipating what's coming next..

I wish I could just have a "Do Over" forget about cancer forget about being sick and yeah have my breasts back . Go back to having a "real normal life" Do you know I read somewhere the most over used words in 2011 was "The New Normal" It wasn't relating to cancer just in general. But we have to figure out a new normal because the way things were no longer exist. We have Cancer the Big "C" nothing is the same. We look at our lives differently. Others look at us differently..For a time I thought I had a giant mole on my nose lol Funny eyes used to gravitate to your breasts because you filled out a sweater, now they gravitate to the emptiness as if they are saying "I feeling sorry for you."!

I think like all cancer patients you visit the school of google trying to gain every detail of your particular cancer. Well at least I did. Dr said I had Multi-focal Cancer Multi who? Meaning I had a "few" malignant tumors spread around my left breast. Lucky me! Well I'm no longer dwelling on that.

Yes my life has drastically changed. Financially, emotionally, spiritually. I felt so lost for a long period of time. Still do when I suddenly feel overwhelmed and vulnerable.. Something I never like to admit . I would give the impression I was tough strong coping. In essence I was having several meltdowns, I will say some definitely family inflicted.I was terrified at the thought of death knocking at my door! Mostly I think because my Oncologist wasn't the most positive. He once told me I could live 4 good years and if I made it to 5 it would be a bonus. He was giving me a timeline!! I realize Oncologists are not Gods, nor can they predict your future, that statement I have voided from my thoughts and vocabulary. Talk about fear mongering!

This year I am going to take a Cake Decorating course. I am capable now, I want to be better,Learn more on Fondant decorating techniques as well as making flowers. I am slowly changing my diet to be more Vegan oriented. I will have my fish.

I am going to downsize my apartment. I no longer need such a big place. I look forward to a smaller space. My son is shifting to Vancouver this March. Nathan no longer lives here.. It's just Miss Lucy and I. She sleeps on top of my foot how much space does she actually need?

I am no longer going to fall into the trappings of wondering when my Cancer will change.
Inevitably it will at some point until then, I am still going to be a good mom to my son.. Spoil Miss Lucy, Maybe I'll even learn to play cards this year. The best I can do is "Go Fish"

Mostly feel better not worry about things that are beyond my control. Maybe I'll even find a husband this year......Oh Lord perish the thought!! hahahaha......
Love Alli......xx

In Memory Of Cheryl.....

2012-01-15T17:52:00.001-05:00

Cheryl Radford, January 15, 2012 R.I.P.

Today a very special friend Cheryl Radford lost her fight to Secondary Breast Cancer. Cheryl suffered a great deal towards the end of her life. Haydn her husband called me this afternoon. He was very specific in his words. He said "Please feel Happy for our Cheryl, she is finally at Peace, she has no more pain and hopefully she is now another Angel"! He went on to say she never lost her spirit, everyday no matter how difficult she never complained! He was amazed at her courage...Most of all her dignity She died peacefully.
I will truly miss her. Cheryl was an outstanding woman.
Damn this bloody Cancer. It steals, takes lives like a thief in the night. Creates havoc and chaos in families. Leaves children motherless.
Rest in Peace Dear Cheryl You left us far too soon!
Love Always Alli........XXX

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

by Henry Scott Holland

Women, Illness & Poverty

2012-01-10T04:47:00.003-05:00

I have learned very quickly what it's like to live that cliche "One pay cheque away from poverty and losing your home" Things suddenly begin to spiral out of control.Those who were supposed to help you did the opposite except dig a deeper hole for you. I left my finances in the hands that were supposed to know better...Should have I done more on my own perhaps but I had no reason to think otherwise believing I had left things with the "experts" .

One thing I have learned is women are the majority who live in poverty putting them in a vulnerable position when there is such a disparity between income and health. The fatality rate appears to increase due to these vast gaps.

Research says women with breast cancer or any cancer health declines when money resources are not available for women to take certain Vitamins, medications, or eat a better balanced diet when the food is is out of their reach. Women are falling into the homelessness situation at a far greater rate than ever before. When you have to decide between paying rent or using the money to buy drugs. What options are available..? Not all drugs are covered by insurance, ADDITIONAL Insurance is simply unattainable.. Dr.s are not giving samples like they used to, then again it's not cost effective for them to give samples that are required on a regular long term basis. I had applied for disability, I have had to wait for several months I received a reply today, a longer wait again due to the increase of applications...my applications has not been completed in processing. It's easy to see how stress becomes a huge factor why women are at a greater risk of heart attack and stroke!! On top of dealing with Cancer!!

Taking into consideration the immeasurable toll there is on the family who depends on "mom" being the sole supporting parent..In a perfect world it would be such an advantage to women who are not able to return back into the workforce because of life threatening illnesses to have something to fall back on. A cash-grant to the head of the household mom to help overcome that hump, it would be a ways and means of relieving some of the pressure wondering how you are going to buy a few groceries, or help pay rent..never mind any luxuries that's not even an option.. When I lived in Africa I used to travel with my mother who worked with the UN Women's Development Projects. In many rural areas Co-ops were started in order to help women achieve a little financial independence. Of course we are not talking about buying seeds and planting sharing corn and crops..... But what of women who have certain skills? If you are given a grant on the premise that you will exchange something that can be attributed as a payment ?? Just a thought would it be a viable solution here ? No reason why it couldn't....

This is also the time when family support becomes so very necessary if you are fortunate enough to have it. . We have so many issues that need taking care of. Our health is prime, as is our mental well being. Wondering and worrying if you are going to have a place to live at the end of the month shouldn't be one. Yet with so many women it is a primary concern.
This is very personal to me .. I do understand that cliche better now than I ever have.

I'll see you at The End of The Rainbow

2012-01-07T11:55:00.000-05:00

Saying goodbye to a friend is one of the most difficult things anyone can do. It's not that the friendship is over from a falling out or misunderstanding.. The friendship will never end. She is leaving. Her good bye was to tell me one last time she loved me, appreciated our friendship. Reading her email broke my heart, I cried like a baby. Yet there is another side of me that is so very glad it's almost over. She has suffered with this massive expanding tumor for months, it's time she has a break. You can go rest now Cheryl....

Cheryl go with Peace & Love....... You had your visitors, you had your family. Now as you say it's just you and Haydn till the end. Jeremy is waiting for his mother with open arms ready to greet you...

Dearest friend I will miss our conversations........but as you say.. I will see you at the "End Of The Rainbow"!

Love Forever & Always........Alicia.....XOX

Bees wax anyone?

2012-01-06T05:10:00.001-05:00

My baby turned 19 yesterday.... He's nearly a man. He turned legal, friends called suggested they go get drunk...After all he could. But I think he realized like most of us when the fun is taken out and you don't have to hide any longer it changes the playing field a little bit. There was an aura of maturity..

Yesterday I tried something different. I have this severe neropathy, I am resigned it's not getting better according to two specialists. I find some of the time I get some relief from warmth. I will wrap my heating pad or use my mini bean bag I made to keep it warm.
It was suggested I try hot wax treatment. Kind of out of my budget but my friend suggested I try her friend that was experimenting, didn't have a client base I was her first.

I saw this bowl of yucky wax it was a bit of a mess if you ask me. From stirring some slipped over the edge. She massaged my hand very gently at first. Nearly put me to sleep! She then lowered my hand into this ugly yellow wax mixture. It felt hot but then it felt soft and warm on my hand. So very relaxing you wished there was a tub of it to slip into. It was kept at a certain temperature. I left my hand in for 30 minutes. It felt lovely having the wax peeled off. My hand was so incredibly soft.. I don't believe it did anything for the nueropathy however 30 minutes of relaxation quiet music in a dimly lit room did more good than eating your favourite chocolate bar!

Unfortunately for me I have lost a lot of use of my left hand. I can no longer carry anything lift or hold objects without dropping them. I exercise it daily so my hand does not atrophy. I have spasms that are more frequent, therefore I have increased my squishing the squishy ball.
Just one more side effect from Chemo that is not going to go away......

Fresh Starts..or how I plan to make the perfect flaky pie crust......

2012-01-04T06:49:00.001-05:00

Now that Christmas is officially over, what are we supposed to watch on TV..?. All through December the "feel good" movies, from White Christmas, Polar Express, Sound of Music, Holiday Inn and many more were on daily
!
I was flipping channels tonight and there was nothing worthwhile. Though I did watch Again, Eat Pray Love.....Somehow I can see myself in that situation. I guess to some extent I was. I walked away from a bad marriage, traveled through Africa, met someone, had a child with him. Coincidentally my son is 19 years old today!! He is a young man....He is going to be a good man for a good woman one day.

January is one of these months that for some it is a let down, You plan, anticipate the holidays, shop like crazy people then it's over. I admit this year I didn't have money for gifts. My son and I did not exchange.But the gift part wasn't important. What we did do however is promise to keep the lines of communication open between us. Things have always been positive in this area. He knows he can tell me anything I will not judge. Advise of course, give my opinion absolutely but the last thing we need when going through problems is to be judged.

Personally I like January, it's like spring, everything is fresh and new. we go through various expectations, hope for the best. Some things we follow through other things.....not so much.

Last year I will say that I was in a what a friend calls a "Sucky" mood You go through this entire Cancer baloney, you have your Dr to fall back on every few weeks then you get the news you are in remission!! Now one would expect to feel great happy excited....WOW......I was more fearful than I should have been you become dependent on your caregivers... They hold the cards, they control the strings like a puppet....You go for your blood work, Wait anxiously for a reassurance you are fine, doing just "peachy" when that happens suddenly you are unprepared!! Now what? What do you mean exactly by come back in 6 months......But I'm supposed to come every 3? It is like a feeling of being abandoned by your doctor.He set you to go out in that world post cancer treatment All By Yourself!..BUT... I'm not going to worry about every minor bump bruise or feeling tired.Thinking cancer has come back elsewhere. I believe I have finally come to terms regarding my family. It is time to let go and I MEAN IT!! I am going to take a cake decorating course....learn to use Fondant.....I can now but it's time to advance my expertise....Above all, I am going to learn how to make the perfect flaky pie crust....As try as I have it ends up not being flaky but a hard mess that sticks to my rolling pin and ends up in the trash while I dig through the freezer for a ready made crust!

This Is What I Need From You!!

2012-01-01T02:46:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year everyone..... make it a good year !! Let's make this year the year we are finally heard when it comes to METS....Shout Loud & Hard!!

Sometime ago there was an article posted that had a lot of impact on how we as women dealing with Breast Cancer or any Cancer for that matter feel..

I thought today being January 1, 2012 would be a perfect time to re-post. Some of us having been going through our Cancer Roller Coaster Ride longer than others.Some are just on the early fringe of treatment. Whatever your status your "blogging buddies" are here for you....

Dealing with certain situations at times can be extremely frustrating. When we are not being heard, silence can be overwhelming..

Feel free to comment or add your thoughts. How we can change the mind set of those well intentioned people that at times can be total jerks....

To my friends and family.

Sometimes it's very difficult to describe how things feel.
This is not directed at anyone. Everyone I care about receives this.

Some days (or parts of day) we can feel great and can do more ...but then, out of the blue, will come a day or two or three where we are so exhausted for seemingly no reason.
It is unpredictible. Fatigue is overwhelming.

I have been told that there is a possibility this disease may kill me, not today...not tomorrow but sooner than if I didn't have it.
We are not being negative we are simply realists.

The unpredicibility of the disease is huge, it makes it hard to plan your future.

Having your ovaries removed or being on meds that stops all estrogen IS a big deal for your body.
It is not just menopause it is menopause tripled.

I need your empathy and support, not your lack of interest when I talk.
I'm scared. Sometimes the fear strikes at the most unexpected times..

Even though we may have completed Chemo, the residual effects still remain.
In fact some show up even after a year or longer. Some never go away..

Let's not forget about Chemo Brain. We are not crazy sometimes our minds draw a blank.
We confuse letters, we can't remember numbers, be patient help us. If we ask you to repeat a number or something that normally we wouldn't think twice, don't look at us like we are idiots, just do it without rolling your eyes. Don't treat us like naughty children..

The lack of any estrogen at all in my system causes EVERYTHING to dry out.
(If I pinch my nose together, it sticks that way ....

When I talk to people about the cancer, they do not seem to understand, that a clean scan today does not mean that I have been cured.
Please don't tell me I had the "Good Cancer" or Easy Cancer" There is no such thing. All Cancer is hard!

People keep coming up to me and telling me what a miracle it is.
Please do not get me wrong, I am grateful but I still have advanced breast cancer.
Don't tell me I must be cured because I don't look sick

That will never change. Don't get angry at me because we know this can only be temporary.

I try to keep a positive attitude, so even those closest to me have no clue how rough this truly is.
We put on a face, try to smile, I try to explain, but I think they don't want to "go there"...I don't want to either but we smile so hard at times just to reassure you.

The reality is I still have hopes for a cure, but right now I am exhausted.
If I had some friends/family surrounding me who really understood, it would make things much, much easier.

Please don't try and compare your Aunt Mary's cancer to my cancer, no two are the same..

Please try to listen not only with your ears, but with your heart.
We are trying our best to survive, and we need your help!

Love from your, Mother, Sister, Auntie, Best Friend, Neighbour, Co-Worker
We can be anyone you know......

At the end of the year......

2011-12-29T01:42:00.000-05:00

December 29th where has the year gone by so quickly? It seemed with a blink of an eye we were celebrating Christmas..I think we had summer in between then..My inflated electric bill tells me we did....since I had all three of the AC's running full force.
It's been a year of changes, some for the better others no so much. On the most part it's been OK.....My step-father is still disappointed that I didn't find a husband..Up till now he believes not so much due to age 85 but a "man" can solve all the problems...Need I remind him the state of the world whilst most leaders are men haha....

I have never been one to go out New Years Eve I like to use the time to reflect on things that maybe could have been changed. Things we had no control over. It's my time for perspectives. No resolutions. Could I stand to lose a few pounds? Of course....Will I resolve to shed them? Eventually....but it won't be January 1st......

This New Year's Eve I have my chic flick picked out....I am going to have a ridiculously decadent piece of chocolate cake , my bottle of diet Pepsi I'm good for the midnight countdown unless I fall asleep in my chair which I have been known to do!

I'll pick up a couple of those clangy things that make noise. Say a prayer for my family that has passed on.....Pray for those who are sick and in need of a prayer.. Mostly my dear Friend Cheryl in Australia......

It is next to impossible to predict what the New Year will bring...I have a couple of things I hope to have resolved.Hopefully some answers if the Neuropathy will get worse. I have a second opinion coming up with a Neurologist in January....I am losing the feeling more and more to the point where it's difficult trying to hold anything in my left hand. For my coffee I am using a large plastic Tim Horton Travel Cup...lol for those who don't know.....

My glass mugs are all but in pieces. Second on my list is to see if I can get some resolution for my extraordinary painful joints.....Therapy, accupuncture, I would like to ride my bike this year. That is my goal !!

So with this, I would like to wish you all...........

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEACE & BLESSINGS FOR ALL GOOD THINGS TO COME!!

However you choose to celebrate, make it a safe one. Please do not drink and drive....
Be kind to one and other. May we all have our wishes come true.....

Love Always.........Alli......XoXo

What we have missed!!

2011-12-26T03:47:00.000-05:00

My son and I were invited to have Christmas Eve dinner at his best friend's home with their family. I have known the family as long as my son has and that's around ten years.
We arrived sat around chatted with everyone, various brothers sisters inlaws even a couple of outlaws that still loved the inlaws ( parents) The warmth just exuded everywhere.. Little one big ones some in their 30's. Close to 20 people in total. We had turkey, the trimmings, veggies best deviled eggs I ever tasted and I generally don't like them Everyone was exchanging hugs and kisses sang songs danced where they could find a little square of floor. Ethan the youngest was 15 months old. He calls all females "mama" Not at all shy....Came over crawled up on my lap and just sat there..After dinner was finished the tea and coffee served we had an Ice Cream Cake.It was one of the daughter's birthdays. Everyone joined in a chorus of Happy Birthday..Table from the center of the living room cleared away and it was time to dance. I didn't though I enjoyed the music.
My son sitting huddled with the guys laughing talking, his entire demeanour different in the relaxed atmosphere of friends You were welcomed, you felt good, everyone embraced hugged and kissed you whether you knew them or not wishing a Merry Christmas! Not for a second did I feel uncomfortable. You were drawn into every conversation. They are just a regular working family, far from rich as they say "Just plain folk, down to earth Good People"!! Finally around midnight it was time to start making my home. The offer was just stay here tonight we have plenty of room. It was a lovely offer but I like my own bed. Again at leaving everyone came over gave hugs you could feel the genuine warmth. Nancy the mom came over just put her arms around me Told me she understands having Cancer is not easy, she hugged me and I just started to cry. Not because of the comment. but because we felt included in and with a family. It wasn't just the two of us there was the two of us and twenty more!!
I get my son, I know why he feels bad. He was given gifts by them even I was given a beautiful key chain. We had crackers, you know the kind you pull get a prize we all wore our funny hats at dinner I loved every moment.. Nancy and I talked and I told her that Adam feels isolated without a family.I guess so do I.( I never told her that) Her response was Oh no honey you and Adam have a family right here.....Whatever you need we are here.More tears. Because she meant every word......

Christmas Day......Not one person from my family called to wish us a Merry Christmas...I did call them, There was no answer I left a message....

Being included you realize just how much you are missing....This year was the last time my son will feel badly. It may not be with my bio family, If all goes well health wise I plan to have the same twenty people in my home same time next year......Funny hats and all!!

Musings Before The Holidays.......

2011-12-21T01:27:00.001-05:00

Firstly I would like to say Thank You to each and everyone of you, who kindly gave me supporting words in my previous blog. It truly means a lot when friends even cyber friends rally round when the need is there. My son saw our family Doctor on Friday, he has ordered a full physical exam including a hormone test, blood work , thyroid, thyroid issues run in our family. We are taking steps in the right direction. Along with which he will be talking to someone twice a week for now to get him back on the right path. Now that he has been able to talk about his issues that were bothering him he sleeps through the night..

Secondly I want to Thank Cheryl of Indigo Dreaming Blog. She is so ill, yet she had her daughter Meagan telephone me, she came on the phone and spoke with me for at least 10 minutes. She was speaking in a whisper, . She was worried about me. Of course I was crying like a baby speaking with her. We had a good talk as brief as it was but she has this knack of reassuring me when going through some difficult times...

People have asked me what New Year's Resolutions I am making....I don't do those. I prefer to start the New Year with a blank page, not with all kinds of promises likely that won't be kept. However I do want to remember those in our blogging community who have since passed on...May their families find Peace & Comfort the first year they are not here. Perhaps not in the physical sense but in their hearts they will always remain.....

I would like to wish everyone A Very Merry Christmas & A Happy Healthy Prosperous New Year
It is always such a pleasure getting to know everyone, interacting, exchanging ideas. Lastly becoming better informed. We are all traveling down many roads unknown. We never know where we will end up. It is nice to know that there is the support amongst fellow Cancer Survivors without asking....Love Alli......XOXO

The Bogeyman Called Cancer and Your Child....

2011-12-14T23:29:00.002-05:00

One of the most important things we do as parents is try to protect our children. We try and keep them out of harm's way, be their protectors, love them but sometimes in spite of all we do we can't do it all.....

I wouldn't normally post what I'm about to write but if it helps one family it will be worth the words......Sometimes we see things hope it will pass, Parents reassure their children chase away those bogey-men that haunt their dreams. The problem is the same bogeymen sometimes haunt their reality not only dreams., You recognize certain traits that weren't there previously but no big deal, He's never used drugs doesn't drink in fact the traits were to omit anything that you may consider to be unhealthy which made it unclean..He suddenly lost weight, if he had a minor issue he thought he was developing a deadly disease of course - . The bogeyman in his life was CANCER! You would talk as much as he allowed you into his bad dream at times like walking on egg shells.. developed an aversion to the hospital especially the second floor or going near the elevator, The Palliative Care - Oncology ward had it's own elevator. You figure out that he doesn't want to talk about the BOGEYMAN, you don't push or prod so you make all efforts to hold back feelings watch what you say and definitely not express about how you feel. You live with it and get used to it.

My son decided he wanted to leave see the world get a job discover his independence..... As with every Canadian graduate on the east side of Canada you venture out west to Vancouver....He called me one day said he wanted to come home. I suddenly noticed hand washing, repetitive actions, wandering around late at night.Then the unthinkable ...... a few nights ago he came into my room tears streaming down his face he told me he couldn't take it any more and I heard the words No parent ever wants to hear their child say.....
"Mom I thought about suicide!" I felt my knees weak but kept my cool. I told him if he did he would break my heart.....He cried I cried , We talked all night long and he told me his fears he didn't want to upset me.. I called every crisis number available he talked to someone, the next day we went for help.....
My son has a severe anxiety issue. At 16 he had an enormous responsibilty heaped on him, I didn't ask him he just did it. He cooked he cleaned he wiped up vomit when I didn't get to the bathroom on time, He hovered over me waking me up at intervals to make sure I didn't die during the night.Chemo was very hard on me.. He stayed home alone while I was hospitalized when my blood count crashed. You could see the look on his face when he came to the oncology ward.... It reminded him of going to see my mother while she was in hospital Sometimes patients left in a blue covered gurney. He saw the same a couple times on my floor...

He went home to an empty house and likely so scared...No one called him no one asked how he was no one took the burden off this 16 year old scared boy! No one cooked him a meal. See I had the good Cancer I'd bounce back in no time and he was a tough kid...He can cope.

Talking to the worker he reassured my son that what he has is treatable,there is no stigma attached.as he said sometimes things get off balance and it needs to be tweaked to get back on cycle...he carried a heavy load now it's time to get on a better path....

Being a single mother, having cancer is devastating for any child to cope they don't know if you are going to get through this...... My son went beyond what he had to do....I will be forever grateful to him but I am pained beyond belief that he suffered so much in silence.

We will get through this. If you are in a similar situation call a crisis intervention there's not a second to waste.

Love Alli XX

No Child Should Cry.......

2011-12-11T00:53:00.004-05:00

Over the last couple of weeks, I have read, I have heard and I have been told of women who have all died from Breast Cancer. One from my group I belong to. Painfully also knowing women which their cancer has progressed and there is nothing to do but keep them comfortable. One friend and I have talked about it, laughed and cried over the phone. Telling each other we'll meet on the other side and create havoc.... lol Do some traveling see places we never experienced and just think we won't have to pay admission......hahaha..

I just don't get it if so many strides are being made in the cancer cure, let me reiterate, not just Breast Cancer but any cancer that affects our lives. Then why oh why are these women dying....Yes it goes back to the old problem, the politics of the disease that just isn't being addressed it can not go away, WE must keep the pressure on to do more.

There is not enough being done for patients who are Metastatic. What does it take to get through these fund raising campaigns?? Our children should not become motherless, at such young ages. But it's not the age of your child. When your children learn you have cancer they are automatically filled with an unknown fear of the unexpected. My son and I were sitting just talking and I saw tears streaming down his face. I didn't know what was wrong. Until he said. "Mom you may be Ok for now but what happens if you get sick again? What's going to happen to me"? I went on to explain that he was almost 19 years old and he will be starting a life of his own, he interrupted me and asked "Does that mean because I'm older I shouldn't or don't need family around"? How does that work when your own family treats you like you don't exist?. He had a valid point and I didn't know how to answer him

My heart aches for the children who are going to experience sadness and grief opening their gifts. Wishing mommy had been there to fill out their Santa List,I bet on many of those lists are wanting mommy to come back - they will promise to be good "forever" bake cookies . As an adult I remember the first Holiday without my mother. . I'm thinking of my friend Kerri she has three young children. I don't mean for this to be morose, but you can't help but feel something unless you have a heart made of a lump of coal.....

If you know of someone, or a family that recently suffered a loss please try and remember them if even a phone call a small note. Or light a Candle in Church. Wrap a small gift just so they know there is someone out there that does care..

The first holidays are difficult enough without something familiar being there for them.
Someone gave me a poem when my brother died, I have always kept a ragged page in my purse.. I don't know who wrote this lovely piece, so "Thank You In Advance....

I wanted to give you an update on our Blogging Friend Cheryl Radford of Indigo Dreaming. She sent me a brief email that she is not doing very well. She has difficulty breathing, she is on Oxygen she finds talking very difficult. Her arms are badly swelling from fluid building up .. Cheryl currently has a Morphine Pain Pump for pain...She needs our prayers now more than ever, she has accepted the journey she is about to take. We have spoken on it often in our many telephone conversations. Cheryl would call me once or twice a week like clock work from Australia. She is the friend everyone deserves to have touch their lives......Please keep her in your thoughts.Send her love & peace......

~ Love Alli.............XX

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

Ramblings after 3:00am

2011-12-08T05:29:00.001-05:00

Do you ever get tired of people telling you that you have to keep that attitude in check because if you don't your cancer could come back?! I always wonder what possesses people to say stupid things. Ok well intentioned hmmmmm?? .Blaaaaaaaaaaaa enough already.If attitude was the cure then you would be seeing people in deliriously great moods happy and well.. I admit I haven't been in the best mood lately and I make no apology to anyone. I have to deal with some issues and being told my mood will contribute to a recurrence of cancer really is not condusive in changing how I feel it just adds to it.

So we are being inindated with Christmas Specials movies and music shows that never seem to change just repeated year after year. I am expecting the Rita McNeil Christmas Special from around 10 years ago to be shown any time. OK Michael Buble had his first special - I didn't watch. Then there is this angel of a girl Jackie Evancho, she literally brings tears to my eyes with her beautiful voice.She had a PBS special the other night. I wish this little girl success and hope she keeps grounded..

Tonight I watched the movie "Santa Who?" with Leslie Neilsen a good piece of Christmas fluff. Santa bumps his head falls off his Sleigh ends up having amnesia in small town America. The Sleigh ends up in a parking lot, the reindeer in a lot selling Christmas trees.. Of course it took on the plot of someone who didn't believe in Santa but he's involved with a woman who naturally has a small child that guesses who the man in the Santa suit really is at the department store. Not hard to figure out the rest of the plot especially when the Elves come from the North Pole looking for Santa...

To make a long story short, all's well with the world when Santa remembers it's Christmas Eve here I am tears streaming down my cheeks crying that Santa found his way back, all the little kids were going to get their gifts, the non believer is now the opposite by the time the credits rolled on I was an emotional wreck. I can't blame it on being hormonal.

Once in a while I will get together with a few women who were doing chemo the same time as I was.I was approached this week invited for coffee, one of the women who is part of our little "Chemo Group" bubbly & cheerful was missing.Of course this time of year people are busy. Two of the women looked at each other, said "Then you didn't hear"? Kerri died two weeks ago. Momentarily I felt like I was going to throw up right there. She was also diagnosed late stage Stage3 Grade3 , I spoke to her not even a month ago she was going to be sewing dresses for her daughters. She's the kind that loved to sew for the holidays putting Santa Claus on the skirts, holly bouquets....Making the holidays fun and festive.
As much as you try not to, that nagging feeling never leaves you, no one can tell you to stop thinking about it, because it will make you paranoid. Well getting a diagnosis of cancer already set that in motion. As much as you don't think about it. A certain amount of paranoia is already embedded in the way you think, react. Cancer makes you afraid. Our coffee outing turned into a tearful saying good bye to another woman, wife & mother to 2 daughters and one son, from Breast Cancer....It just never ends...We said our goodbyes, promised to stay in touch we looked at each other and I think we secretly wondered who was next? RIP KERRI....

Till we blog again.....

2011-11-27T23:46:00.002-05:00

Today there seems to be a marathon "Terms of Endearment"I flipped channels, there it was on three different stations at three different times. Running an hour behind of each other. I watched the first one, I realize that probably was a huge mistake because it makes me so damned emotional.
Today I learned Blogger Nolly Posh Dreaming left us November 23... Hers was a very interesting blog full of light spirit accentuated with beautiful pictures poems and thoughts... Cancer is so brutal. It takes beautiful souls away without regard that maybe we still need them with us, or is that selfish?
I hate what it does to our bodies physically, I hate what it does to us mentally stupid mind games we are forced to deal with with every new ache or pain wondering "if"

On a lighter side though letting my imagination run away , for one minute think of the welcoming committee there to greet her. We have Renee, RivkA with a capital "A"" Daria will be there along with all the other blogging friends we have lost to the hideous disease..Showing the "new recruit" the ropes and get acclimated to the beautiful surroundings.....China tea cups with saucers no more mugs with tea bags, they will be sncking on petit fours and cup cakes..Pulling out all the stops!Everyone is there but first there's orientation. Patiently they are all there Waiting......
Wishing Nolly Posh and any others that may have left us...Safe journey till we blog again......

Happy Thanksgiving To My American Friends.............

2011-11-23T00:46:00.002-05:00

I have always dreamed of having a typical "American Thanksgiving"! I would love to be in the kitchen with all the other ladies preparing all the trimmings for a wonderful meal. Whether it's baking apple pies or apple crisp and of course not forgetting Pumpkin Pie. That is my all time favourite pie.There is such a variation on cooking a Turkey...My grandmother with meticulous care make the best stuffing, pack it in the cavity, roast slowly throughout the entire day. Now People deep fry turkey, brine it (whatever that means) Or better yet they stuff a turkey with a duck the duck with a cornish hen and call it some weird name Like Turkey duckin something or another...... lol Never had that either. I mean in America they even have wine in boxes. How neat is that just set it down everyone help themselves!! Our Thanksgiving in Canada is a little more subdued well a lot subdued......Based on the Autumn Harvest after the last of everything is picked and put away, we then celebrate Thanksgiving the second Monday of each October.

The men all gathered around the TV jumping up and down for a football team. When I was younger I remember watching the Macey's Parade and a few others that were also being shown. When the parades had finished there was always Classic Cartoons or stories, Like Paul Bunyan, Big Red . Or classic old movies on PBS they were annoying with their fund raising.....The first time I ever saw the movie Hans Christian Anderson with Danny Kaye. There was one my grandmother loved the Al Jolson Story Pt 1 & 2. You watch the commercials with all families sitting together at a huge table trimmed to the nines. How beautiful..That's what I'd like to do!

All the fine china neatly placed, silverware carefully polished, not a streak on the crystal goblets. Kids running around impatiently waiting for dinner and wouldn't you know it!! Just when dinner is about to served, a huge yelp and whoo haa comes from the living rooms guys patting each other on the backs, there was a touchdown. Dinner has to wait a few more minutes. So mom turns the potatoes to simmer grandma stirs the gravy Nothing is better than to have your family surround you and of course the friends you share a meal with too.

However there are those who don't have families to share a meal with, don't have the long time earned friendships any longer. There are so many who have lost their jobs to no fault of their own the circumstances of the economy can be brutal. They have to rely on a good meal through various sources. Remember them donate a few cans of whatever you have so they too can have a good meal with their families.

For a lot of families the holidays are the start of the dreaded firsts..Whether it was a husband wife, grandmother parent that is no longer with us. There is a void along with there being an empty space where the would sit. In my family anyway the first year we lost a loved one, we would set their regular place, put a small photo of them on the plate so they and us will have a lovely reminder that because a loved one is no longer here, does not mean we forget them
Make a special tribute to their memory, a favorite flower, a photo, they may not be here in the physical body, but they are here as a spiritual being......

Before I end this let me wish you all who will be Celebrating American Thanksgiving...
Have a "Wonderful safe holiday" Enjoy all the bounty placed in front of you. Don't over shop I just recently learned what "Black Friday " was about.....

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone......BTW Miss Della I'm coming to Kentucky next year.....hahaha...........

Reasons to write......

2011-11-21T01:26:00.002-05:00

So often we decide to tackle a blog to convey our daily struggles be it through comedic writing, or we take on subjects with a deeper definition.

We write these blogs to illustrate our thoughts in words. Some times they can be so unpredictable or serve as a simple eloquent message and yet again there are some blogs that take on an accurately written memoir that are waiting to be played out....

We read so many stories about life's happenings centering on some very specific areas there is always that one person who enters into your life whether it be through coincidence or they were meant to be you for them, and they for you.

We who have gone through loss in our lives and we who ourselves have been touched by an unforgiving illness that is so relentless you question yourself asking "Where is God"? Where is there a God that is not supposed to allow the kind of suffering we see or know..Of course there is no answer to the question because we simply don't know!

It's important to know about the good parts too not just the pain. We witness and sometime see what the body is capable of withstanding. There is immense pain and suffering but still there is a goodness that exists..

A predominance of extreme courage which becomes an inspirational example of human spirit. The resilience to adversity

Cancer is an ugly ugly disease, there is no way in trying to "Pretty-Up" the devastation it causes.It rears its head in the most unexpected ways We lose so many mother's sister's aunt's uncles brothers fathers.

Inevitably all we want is that sense of normalacy, just to return to regular conversation without that "word" being used

Have you ever asked yourself when your time has finally arrived, how do you want to be remembered? Will it be about the money you made or lost, a book you wrote,- or should have finished! Places you have seen? Or is it about that one person you touched and may have changed them forever? Is there a special person in your life that has changed you. I don't mean on the Romantic end I mean day to day, someone that has brought meaning into your life?

The Next Step & Short Lived Independence.....

2011-11-13T00:09:00.000-05:00

There is a feeling of being "underwhelmed" even though my Oncologist has told me that currently I am in Cancer Remission ! I suppose to some I should be jumping through hoops, be totally elated, be filled a chorus of Hallelujah - but I'm not. In fact I feel almost indifferent because I may be out of the one frying pan - Cancer but I'm jumping into another area - Heart Disease and the ramifications of what we are left with when chemo has done its damage. Heart disease is still one of the leading causes of death among men and women in North America. Women who have a heart attack are at a higher risk of not surviving their first attack The symptoms for women with heart disease are different from males as are the symptoms of an attack. . Andriamycin even hormonal inhibitors aromatase inhibitors in particular, Chemo with Taxol and Herceptin are also responsible for Cardiovascular problems post treatment. Oddily enough I don't recall that discussion with my Dr. Yes I did have the Muga Scans done but according to what I was told that was to be certain there were no on going issues with my heart. Mine was fine... Once you have completed treatment you realize you have stepped from one serious issue that may return to another that could have long term complications. They are now throwing more "Initials" at me, it could be CHF - Congestive Heart Failure CM - Cardiomyopathy , that's what my Oncologist suspects though I don't think he knows until I am evaluated by a Cardiologist.Another thing I found out if you have radiation treatment that more increases your chance of developing one of these conditions. I am just waiting for my appointment with a specialist who does a lot of his work with patients like me. However the Irony in this is this Dr is the same one who treated my late ex hubby when he was diagnosed with CM . His was advanced all from a viral infection, he caught a cold...he was on a Heart Transplant list but unfortunately never made it that far. It does make me wonder though how many Dr.'s sit their patients down and really explain that what you may be taking will potentially kill all of the cancer cells and the good ones too and that you could be risking serious damage to your heart. Of course it doesn't affect everyone perhaps because it is because statistics are low but more of an effort needs to be made to keep everyone well informed to avoid a potential problem also to let you be part of the decision making. Anyway I will see the specialist as soon as I can get in, listen carefully, take my Kayolic Garlic, Magnesium, C0Q10 and whatever it takes to make my ticker feel better. I am not going to allow something else to impede me at this point...

On another note, my son the one who declared his independence, has had enough of living on his own at 18. I actually communicated with him more by text than when he was at home. It's just another life experience he learned. It;s not that easy out there on your own when you are not prepared in things going sour. I do know he is feeling antsy being in a small city - well there are over 200,000 but I guess when you have been wandering around Vancouver. He had a light bulb moment, Accomodation and food are expensive......Haha ya think???!! Did I miss the extra dirty laundry, dishes left on my glass coffee tables, bottles not in the recycling box.....No I did not. The lady that cleans my apt. had commented it didn't appear anyone was even in the house. Well she's in for a rude shock come the next time she is coming....It was so nice to see a bedroom floor.....But I am glad he's safe and home for the time being anyway........Job is on top of the To Do List!!

Results......

2011-11-05T17:18:00.000-04:00

I finally received the results of my scans. I am happy to say they did not find any signs of a secondary cancer. Everything in that respect was clear.

However my doctor did tell me it appears I have early symptoms of Cardiomyopathy which explains the shortness of breath my leg and hand, feet swelling apart from Lymphodema. If I lay down on a flat surface I feel like I am choking . Can't catch my breath.. Coughing There is a possibility it could have occurred during the time I had Adriamycin (red devil) It might have been during Taxotere. Who knows? One thing I do know I didn't have it previously before I started treatment for Breast Cancer. Now I do !! Cardiomyopathy is what my ex husband died from a few years ago. His was viral - he developed an infection after having a bad cold Imagine!! He was on a Heart transplant List. He never made it....

I will be seeing a Cardiologist see what's next. But hey can somebody cut me a bit of a break? I mean unless I' m slated for Sainthood and not meaning to complain, but yeah I am complaining and I'm bitching! I want to be like the others, run a marathon, climb a hill. Walk from my kitchen to my bedroom without feeling exhausted like I did just run a marathon. Was I given too much Chemo? I just want to feel better..... From when this all began it's been something one after another.......on top I have a terrible toothache......

Dental Care and other Things Too!

2011-11-03T21:52:00.001-04:00

I am discovering how tough life can be when you are sitting on the fence wondering what to do with the little money you have. Do you buy food, pay a bill or do something so extravagant like getting a tooth fixed which is a direct result of Taxotere and loss of calcium

I was thinking of this the other day . With all of the billions that are raised for research what if some of the funding could be allocated for women who need assistance. Something like Micro-Loans to help women become a little more financially independent.

How many women who are affected by Breast Cancer or any Cancer for that matter trying to raise children pay rent and household expenses have those extra few dollars to enable them to even have some necessary things like dental care. Most single mothers don't have the collateral behind them in order to secure a loan let alone have any kind of credit in order to have treatment - dental care is not cheap!

If you are fortunate enough to have a good dental insurance you have it made. I used to be in that position I had the best plans but when you no longer work, these "Luxuries" are no longer at your disposal.

Better yet how about some low cost dental care be provided by Dentists who volunteer their time. Off set some of the high costs of Root Canals, Caps, extractions. it is hard enough coping with your Cancer daily but when you have a toothache you are at a higher risk of developing gum infections abcesses, which can do more harm to immune systems that are already compromised. Take a Saturday, open your clinic for Cancer patients help them feel better!

I was quoted a price the other day of $410.00 for xrays, extraction (likely needed), the tooth is very loose barely holding on by a thread.
I may as well asked for air fare to the moon....You call around to nearly every dental clinic, the prices vary especially if you want Laser treatment. I just want reasonable nothing out of the ordinary!

Most Doctors don't give you the heads up that taking chemo may have long term effects on your bones or teeth. Hell they don't tell you a lot of things you should know!

Taking Arimidex, Femara, Aromasin or whatever drug of choice that you may end up losing some of your teeth or breaking due to lack of calcium.
Issues pile up and pile up some more. You wonder where is the end?

It's not a topic that comes up frequently if ever. But it's time to lay it out, see if there is a way of networking. We have to help each other ..

Are there Dentists or even Lymphodema Massage Therapists that can offer their services at a reasonable cost? I can't afford to pay $90.00 per session and expect to have more than 10. Last week I was given a cost of $70.00 even that is out of the question. These kinds of therapy should be inclusive under our Universal Health Care.

How many women can afford dental care or other treatments? I get they have to make money too but if the need is greater to help someone what then?

The other day I saw the Health Bus parked on one of the side streets that treats homeless people. They provide FREE medical and Dental services. I almost went into the bus!

We suffer in silence, no one wants to admit they can't afford what can potentially mean a life saving procedure - simple ones at that!
A mouth infection is just as debilitating.

If anyone has any ideas please lets share, it could be for a Lawyer helping the patient put their things together, make a will. I have worked in a Dr.s Office previously, I know they receive many freebies, as do other professionals.

There needs to be some kind of help out there even as I previously stated setting up Micro-Loans to help women/men in situations beyond their control.
If allowed to borrow with minimal interest it would certainly help a lot of people in these unfortunate situations.

I'm going to take a pill I can tolerate a lot of pain but mouth pain...I rather go through child-birth!

Update......well sorta, maybe, kind of......

2011-10-27T01:48:00.001-04:00

I went for my abdominal CTScan yesterday. Drank that crappy chalky gunk that nearly did me in. Came home drank a hot cup of Ginger Honey Tea to take that dreadful taste from my mouth....I was resigned that November 2 I would go get my results once and for all Finally be told what all the images were telling them. I received a phone call from my Family Dr.'s office. Oncology requested I have a scan of my neck. I told her I just had one nearly 2 weeks prior. I even told her they put a neck stabilizer to keep my neck still! "Well honey they want you to go back and just have the neck done this time"!! Is it any wonder I am nearly crawling out of my skin?? I am seriously upset. I had a melt down the other night. I keep having to go for these damn tests and I don't know ANYTHING!!! I'm frustrated upset pissed off. Can't they just tell me what they are looking for? That would at least take some of the agony in waiting!! I called my sister yesterday just needing someone to talk with ...It was the typical I don't have time I'm going to the gym but if she called she would expect full attention. I need to slap myself! Later that evening my older brother called. I was already on my meltdown he called as though we spoke every day. I haven't heard from him since June We live about an hour away from each other! I told him through tears I can't speak with him, that I tried numerous times to reach him and over 5 months he couldn't call once. I didn't want to talk...
My appointment has now been bumped to November 4th. I asked if all these scans and the radiation could harm me. I was told if I were having many MRI's yes but CT Scans no..Wow I'm so reassured!

Over thinking!

2011-10-24T23:06:00.001-04:00

The last couple of weeks it seems I have been running in and out of the clinic and Cat Scan room donating blood drinking fluid, fasting whew!! Last week I had my body scan. Received a call from the Dr.s "he wants you to have a scan of your liver & kidneys"..Before you do that go have some blood work done as soon as we have the results we'll set up this catscan. Phone rang this morning. Wed morning 10:45 don't drink anything after 10:00am I have to drink the glow in the dark gunk lol So I have had my chest & neck done to check out the node in my neck...Body scan........Hopefully this will be last. I'm not going to deny I feel a little uneasy It's fine everyone tells me not to worry until I have something to worry about. It's probably nothing...OK I will keep that thought in mind even though it's a little unusual to have all these tests done for nothing.I did call my ONC's office today hoping someone would give me a tid bit a small piece of info.All I got was now the Dr will go all over the test results when he sees you on Nov 2nd..Then you will know better how to proceed. OK right there that sounds cryptic, suspicious and as though something is left out. OK last thing is to let my mind go into over thinking mode.....

Mastectomy does not equate Infidelity!

2011-10-21T01:00:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine called the other day (Sunday) she has been battling Breast Cancer for the past few years. We had the normal chit chat for a few minutes when she blurted out her husband has been having an affair and he feels justified in doing so.He sees nothing wrong seeking outside "sex" her breasts were part of her sexuality until she had them removed. She didn't opt for reconstruction either ... he told her she was selfish for not considering his needs. He did what he had to......
WOW!! It was all about him and not what she was going through.

The diagnosis of cancer was something so unexpected it begins to be something they (husbands) didn't bargain for in the marriage. Sorry if I have little sympathy I highly doubt the wife didn't bargain for it either!! Or what happens if his wife should die? What's he suppose to do? Who will take care of him? We are all familiar with Elizabeth Edwards, fighting infidelity a child in the mix along with metastatic cancer yet the more you know the more you come to realize there are a lot of women like the late Elizabeth Edwards. It was not a unique situation but one that was brought to the open in a very public way. I find it unthinkable that his wife going through the worst crisis in her life that is a life and death situation hubby is worried about his sex drive. I have talked with a few men..Response? Under any conditions they could not deal with Breast Cancer. One guy even suggested it was like having damaged goods I would hate to think that any man I knew would even consider a partner who lost her breasts through no fault of her own as "Damaged Goods"! He went on to remind me men are visual.What a pile of hog manure..

However in all fairness there has to come at time that we trust who they are as husbands, partners particularily if we have been with them for a significant time. We have had children, they have seen some of the worst moments giving birth, maybe we have to let them in show them that we are still the same person only minus a breast. We can't expect them to feel empathy if we shut them out totally. Of course not all men are going to react in a positive way. Are they shallow? I don't know I have known a few men who told me point blank they couldn't date me after a mastectomy. Well we never dated in the first place, they don't count.One of my close friends asked to see my scar, Reluctantly I showed him he touched my scar felt it from one end to the other. He conceded men are wimps, most men couldn't go through this....

We are not ugly ,the scar is not ugly .There is no reason we should ever be made to feel embarrassed .Not all of us will choose to have reconstruction surgery It is an individual choice. Most importantly do it for yourself because this is what YOU need. It isn't about anyone else.Your psychological well being is prime importance.Your body image how you feel about yourself will affect your self esteem ultimately will have a direct impact how you perceive others see you.
As far as my friend? They have had problems throughout their marriage.I don't know what will happen..

October 13th...The Significance

2011-10-13T09:44:00.002-04:00

Today is October 13, there are times I have dreaded this date because it meant I was a year older. Wouldn't it be nice if you reached a certain age and you could count backwards instead of getting older. I'm like a kid I like the cake decorations and all the mucky muck that goes with it. Though this year it will be painfully quiet. I spoke with my son he felt bad not being home he called me at midnight. I had already gone to bed nearly an hour earlier

Today for those who may not know is Metastatic Awareness Day!!
Yesterday I was in the hospital for my full body Cat Scan. Later I had to pick up a requisition for some blood work. in the Oncology Department. I had to wait as everyone was run off their feet as usual.. I looked around the room. In some areas there were pink do-dads with the logos blazed in darker pink indicating October is Breast Cancer Month. There was some literature on prevention, on how to do a self breast exam. Elsewhere there were some books on mammograms, how to knit pink chemo caps, how to style your new wig. Through all the Pinkness I didn't see one article, one photo, one book or was there a poster indicating the importance of October 13th....I'm not sure if I felt disappointment or anger, maybe a combination of the two. It is disconcerting that a department that deals with all kinds of cancers on any given day wouldn't have any information on Metastatic Awareness Day... Some don't even know what the word is so how are we supposed to get through to the public asking for donations if the very area of a medical facility could be the place of genuine information?

There is insufficient research being done how Mets can be slowed down or even prevented. We live under that gun those of us who have not been diagnosed yet that some of the cancerous cells have escaped settled elsewhere in our bodies waiting to mutate. It is equally unthinkable how women with METS are having to deal with the inaction by the parts of government and medical research.. I read an article that 1% of the research budget is for Met Research not nearly enough money to barely tap into the reasons why cancerous cells become metastasis Something is horribly wrong with this picture when 90% of women who have METS will die from it!!!

What colour ribbon are women with METS supposed to wear? Perhaps black for mourning! Mourning because of the lack of caring on these organization like the Komen Fund that do little, Hospital Oncology that don't even have anything to recognize METS. I thought about that maybe I'm wrong, but if there was information on Metastatis Breast Cancer do you think women would be less prone to believe everything they were told, become more insistent they know more before the problem does arise?
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I learned I basically knew not a thing!! I was walking into something so terrifying without a plan of attack. Blind!! Except of course of what is spoon fed to us. We are not told what occurs post cancer treatment what the long term may be like. We have the fundemental right to be informed of treatments, research at all times. I never once heard the term METASTATIS!! Well I have now and we need to be loud and I mean very loud. To many of us are going to die in the next few months and far too many already have.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

A Cornucopia of Uselessness

2011-10-08T04:56:00.003-04:00

This weekend is the start of our Canadian Thanksgiving. Many people have often asked why we celebrate this holiday a month earlier... Our Thanksgiving is based on the end of the season of planting, picking and putting it away for another year. In other words the Harvest. American Thanksgiving is attributed to the Pilgrims, Plymouth Rock. Ours seems to be a little more low key . I sometimes wished we did party like our neighbours. Then there is "Black Friday" The busiest shopping day for the start of the Christmas Season oh and let's not forget the parades. I still watch those. I do love our holiday quiet as it may be..

I thought about all the things I have to be thankful for. My list remains fairly consistent year to year in other words I have no life.....hahahaha
I was trying to think of new things to be thankful for and it reminded me of shopping the other day.
As I scoured the aisles ..... I want to thank the following companies for their generosity in contributing to Cancer Awareness....
First of all my cat Miss Lucy is so happy that her favourite Cat Chow is generously donating an undisclosed amount to the Cancer Awareness Campaign. I'm sure with each bite she will be thinking of all the women going through treatment or just becoming aware they have Breast Cancer Not only is Cat Chow but Kitty Litter as well. Every Kitty that scratches the kitty litter around will be thankful her little feces are doing their part in the prevention of Cancer & Awareness......

I'm also thankful there are companies that really believe in the cause by not only offering a few pennies but encouraging to eat Beer Battered Fish...You can either cook it in Oil or the oven but nonetheless you are being encouraged to eat fried fatty foods.... Exactly what your sick breasts need!

After you eat all that fatty food and you are looking for a cute pair of panties..... wait don't go far here you are either bikini's or thongs with the Breast Cancer Logo...but you can't have panties without a bra......

This is your very own Awareness Bra......Yup that's what it's called
Every woman needs a little support find an "uplifting fit" with the "Awareness Bra" or "Embrace Lace Bra" Bra is $69.00 each a donation of $1.50 per bra sold will go to Guess who? You got it!! The Susan G Kormen For the cure

If you still have Breasts and are just sitting around in your undies waiting for that cup of tea , don't go far.....

Product: Limited edition Chocolate Rose Tea
Company: The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
Beneficiary: National Breast Cancer Foundation
Cost: $8.20
Donation: undisclosed amount
Duration: While supplies last at retail and on-line
Buy It: Online and at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf locations

This is by far is the most perplexing....I'm not quite sure what to do with this . Let me just say the NRA approves of this........Leaves me speechless. It reminds me of a speech Charlton Heston made something about "From my cold dead hands" That sounded so damn twisted! I don't know how much they plan to donate is it by the bullet? Do you make a notch on the pink handle?

Here we have a small cornucopia of items that are being merchandised added with the Pink Breast Cancer Logo flogged to unsuspecting consumers with the misguided notions that their few pennies are making a dent in committing to a cure. Somehow Fairytales are more believeable. When you are asked about being a Breast Cancer Survivor, yes we have survived having our Breasts removed, we have survived endless hours of treatment but please don't think because we have gone through the motions, we are cured. In fact far from it. Cancer can rear it's ugliness at any given time. We can be at our peak of good health within an instance it can be taken away. We have seen it all to often when we lose another fellow blogger. The loss is felt, you may not have met but there is a connection. When one goes there is always that thought in the back of your mind....
"Could I be next"?

Donate, but donate wisely, question companies, call the 1-800 numbers on the backs of packaging. Insist knowing the amount being donated per item with the logo. If they tell they can't have them refer you to someone who can. It's time these corporations become more transparent and accountable to the public... After all the money you spend on these products comes from your pockets....

From my house to yours

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Love Alli....XX

How come no one tells you ahead of time?

2011-10-04T01:43:00.000-04:00

Growing up in a house with 4 siblings , you didn't really look for friends outside of your family because there was always something to do. Add a couple of cousins , it was pure fun and mayhem. I have often written in the past couple of years the close relationship I had with my younger brother.I miss that closeness the affection and kindred relationship.
I have one sister and an older brother. There have been a few health issues I am dealing with. It would be nice to have a bit of family attachment. It's empty, I really came to understand this by speaking with my sister the other day. I asked if she'd come stay with me for a few days, we could do lunch maybe a movie. The pause in the call said it all. She hummed or a minute and with a long drawn out "Well I don't think so" "I like to stay close to home, I'm really not one to travel much and driving my car to your place it's not a good idea. I sat there listening to her this is the same person who just returned from visiting her friend in Virginia. How did they get there? They drove!! Who's car did they take? Hers! All the hours it had taken to get there driving to my place is less that 90 minutes. Bottom line she does not want to come because there isn't anything in it for her - apart from my company. Sometimes you just want your family around you. We live in uncertain times..But this is not about self-pity.It's a reminder to those who do have families, not matter how close or far apart you should reach out to each other.

So today I had my 3 month Oncology appointment. The first thing my Onc tells me i that I don't have Lung Cancer..... Now can we say "sigh of relief"? I have had a bad cough for weeks, pain in my left lung other symptoms so it was a relief that the small non calcified lung nodules I have really have not done anything to be worried about. Next week though I am having a full body cat scan. He said he wants to check all of my lymph nodes to see if there isn't a blockage or as he said "Something else going on" The node in my neck is still enlarged, so why not check them all. For some strange reason I have developed some blisters on my leg mostly left side but a couple on the right. The condition is called Lymphorreha an open weeping blister that leaks this amber coloured fluid that if not careful can lead to other complications. So that means no leg shaving careful I don't bump or scratch my leg by mistake. Could turn into Cellulitis or another Bacterial infection.. Always something. Hence the reason he wants to do a full body scan check things out. I will say they are also very very painful. The slightest bump can send a deep pain running through your leg.......How come there's nothing in the "Cancer Manuals" about these special surprises? We also talked about my not taking anything in ways of Arimidex, Femara, now Aromasin. He went on to say...... "Ideally we want you to be on these for 5 years you were off and on for 2 years....He went on the scare tactics. You do know what can happen if you don't take your pills.... You become a risk for a secondary cancer. But if you do we can always go the Chemo route and you know how hard that was or get back on the pills....I being the mouth piece said show me the proof....And while we are at it who came up with the magic number of 5 years? He patted me on the shoulder said "don't forget to do your blood work see you in two weeks.....the end of my appointment.......

BEN:: THERE IS NO "PINKTOBER"

2011-09-28T22:40:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I received this email from Hard Rock Cafe Hotels expounding all the activities they have planned during Breast Cancer Awareness month which is designated in October. Here is the email along with my response.

Hello,

My name is Ben and I'm working with Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino to
help spread awareness about a really great Breast Cancer event coming up in
October and I thought you might be interested in sharing it with your
readers.

It's called Pinktober, and for the fourth year in a row, Seminole Hard Rock
Hotel & Casino Tampa will help raise funds and public awareness for the
Breast Cancer Research Foundation (BCRF) during October. Hard Rock Tampa
will donate 25 percent of the proceeds from its Pinktober ³Pink Sheets²
guest room bookings, 75 percent of the retail price of limited edition
collectible Pinktober Hard Rock pins, and 15 percent from the sales of
collectible Hard Rock Pinktober charm bracelets, t-shirts, leather vests,
sleepwear, travel mugs, bandanas, and pink-hued guitar-embossed ³Sleep Like
A Rock² bedding.

Guests can request to stay in the limited availability ³Pink Sheets Rooms²
at no additional cost. In addition to having 25 percent of their room rate
donated to BCRF, the guest will also receive a complimentary commemorative
Hard Rock pin. The select guestrooms will also be supplied with special
collectible Pinktober bathrobes that can be purchased in the Body Rock Spa
and Seminole Hard Rock Retail Store, with a portion of the proceeds donated
to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

If you're interested in posting about the event I can also offer you some
giveaway items which you could give away to your readers. We have a wide
array of Hard Rock prizes and I would take care of the shipping for you. All
you would need to do is provide me with the names and addresses of your
winners.

Anyways, let me know if you are interested- this is a great event and we
would love your help in generating awareness.

Thanks!

Ben

IMPORTANT NOTE
In keeping with recent FTC rule changes, we request that you provide full
disclosure to your audience in regards to your relationship with our brand.
Please make clear that you were contacted directly by Seminole Hard Rock
Tampa who asked for your participation in the ways outlined above. In
addition, please disclose fully any materials and/or products we have
shared with you as part of this initiative. Your honest and transparent
participation is truly valued by Seminole Hard Rock Tampa. We look forward
to working with you again on future initiatives.

Dear Ben
Thank you very much for the information regarding the up coming events "PINKTOBER"

I want to thank   Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Tampa, in making a donation to Breast Cancer Research.

As a Breast Cancer Patient I am appalled at the celebratory month October has become.To add insult re-naming October to "PiINKTOBER". Breast Cancer is not a time to party pulling out all the stops by designating certain rooms in your Hotel renaming them the PINK Room, or wearing a PINK Bathrobe. Or using PINK soap It would not surprise me if there was Pink toilet tissue as well.

The PINK Ribbon was an ingenious idea in helping to promote Breast Cancer when it was first designed for that sole purpose.. However it has now become a branding spectacle for business to profit in the name of Breast Cancer!

Really Ben who will benefit most from this campaign?

Let me tell you a little secret woman who are having to confront this disease on a daily basis    do not want your campaigns of PINK, to sleep in PINK beds, wear a PINK Bandana, or PINK socks in fact PINK has become a repugnant colour. It is now a ways and means of taking advantage of those suffering from Breast Cancer ..

The end result is still the same. Over 40,000 women are expected to die in 2011 from Metastatic Breast Cancer!

When you propose donating to Research, what type of research are you planning to contribute to? Is your company going to make a random contribution? There are so many different variables of this disease.

The area which needs the most funding is for Metastatic Breast Cancer. In case you don't know what it is . This form of Breast Cancer is the most advanced. In other words the last stage.
It means that the Cancer has spread to other parts of the body. Often the Lungs, Liver, Brain or Bone.

This type of cancer can be treated, though it is still incureable but there's only one problem....Significantly more donations are going to early stage and detection and very little is directed towards Metastatic Cancer where the need is the greatest for late stage survival.

These women/men have to live day to day still being the mom, being the housewife, teaching your children, volunteering their time, PLUS trying to get the point across that THEY NEED HELP!!
Appeal to Hard Rock Cafe have them write a large cheque to facilitate the research needed in this area.
Put the money where the PINK is!!

October is not a PINK PARTY MONTH Celebrating Breast Cancer!! Who in their right mind wants to celebrate a disease that takes so many lives??

In various stages women and let me include men   suffer from constant joint and bone pain, fatigue that can be debilitating as all you want to do is sleep! Drug reactions and side effects. It is also the financial toll. Families lose their homes, they can not afford treatment.. Luckily I live in Canada, my costs for treatments scans and most drugs are covered by Universal Health Care. It also means depression hoping that the drug protocol they are currently on will continue working, or if it stops, there is something else available..

Life expectancy in this stage is around 26 months.Though some do surpass the numbers are few.

Breast Cancer patients don't live with Pink ribbons wrapped around themselves advertising we have Cancer!! It's October Lets throw a PINK Party!! We have had to learn to live a new Normal, a continuous roller coaster ride To flagarantly use it is as a commercialized   commodity at the expense of men and woman who may very well die from this illness is a sad reflection on those businesses who do.

So Ben I am sure you were not aware of the many implications of Breast Cancer. There is a great deal of frustration because many times when clinical trials are available the patient is barred because often the chemotherapy treatments did not work previously, this is why more research dollars have to be allocated to Metastatic Cancer.

As Breast Cancer patients we are so often called courageous, fighters, warriors. Really Ben all we want to do is live a longer life be with our families not just be called a statistic.....or worse yet expendable because funding ran out of money.

Once again thank you for the invitation. But in good faith I can not endorse PINKTOBER activities. In fact I find the entire concept reprehensible

I will also be suggesting to my friends, blogging community and elsewhere to boycott these activities..Including the purchase of PINK Memorabilia.

Though there will be a donation to Breast Cancer Research bottom line this is another way of exploiting a disease and those women and men affected by it, Nothing more than a marketing ploy to increase Hotel Sales. I don't see the same attention being given to any of the other cancers that are equally important as Breast Cancer from the Hard Rock Cafe.. Why is that? Are Lung Cancer, Colon Cancer, Ovarian Cancers and the many others not fun enough?
Have a great day!
~Alli.........

One More October......

2011-09-26T10:31:00.002-04:00

A brief conversation with a friend really hit home how commercialized Breast Cancer and October has become. She went on to tell me she often thought about me but didn't want to disturb me ...You smile and think to yourself... Uh Huh!
I always liked this girl she had common sense, right on the ball so I wondered what happend to her since then.We would go out have lunch periodically October 13th is my birthday and was something we did. She said I now have a couple of things to celebrate during October . I think I knew what she was about to say but I really needed to hear her words. It's almost PINKTOBER People are actually calling October Pinktober!!   Society become so brainwashed by a pastel colour common sense is lost. She went on to ask what I was doing to "Get my pink party on"!! After all I had the easy cancer. There is nothing that can make a Breast Cancer patient feel so sad than to be described in this way. Having an easy cancer.. I asked her do you think having both your breasts removed, weeks of Chemotherapy, losing your hair, being ill is fun?. You just start feeling better and it's time for the next round of chemo. Or how about when your nails fall off. Lets not forget the pain of Neuropathy. I tried to explain to her that this month isn't about selling PINK or buying products with the logo on it. Even on Facebook you see different organizations selling junk - plastic bracelets rings shoes,   I told her not to be fooled by the advertising that a certain portion will be donated. The amount is miniscule compared to the amount that is brought in due to sales.

It is increasingly difficult when you see so many of your friends whether in the blogging community or through day to day knowing your friends have METS and such little of the research funds are going towards them. Depression can become another symptom on top of all the other stresses when you feel that you have been left out. Early detection is important being vigilant is important, having a mammogram is important.

Cancer of any kind can not be described as fun or easy. Walking away from it is not an option, it's there and when you are Stage 4 you want the same promises and research that is given for early detection. Do you get that a person who has Metastatic Breast Cancer is on some form of Chemotherapy for the remainder of their lives!! A friend told me being a MET patient is like being in limbo. You are made to feel less important The objective is about treating early stages so it does not progress to stage 4. You are like that third wheel. You are there but almost invisible like an after thought because the idea is to survive isn't it and we know that stage 4 you live with constant anxiety, a different kind of stress, you don't have the cheerleaders. I admit to being one of those before I was diagnosed with cancer not understanding all those Pink Trinkets were "cute" . I'm Stage3 Grade3 . I am fearful that I will cross that bridge...There is no stage 5......

Don't celebrate October as if it's a month to give recognition to a disease believing Breast Cancer is an easy cancer or how changing items to Pink will make a difference. The colour Pink is a colour that has now become an exaggerated marketing tool to give the illusion Breast Cancer is being beaten. Yes there are absolute legitimate causes. But when you see the Breast Cancer Logo on buckets of KFC or cases of beer ask yourself how much is actually going for research. The amount would astound you. Barely a drop in the bucket...

Approximately 90-95 % of Breast Cancer deaths are directly attributed to Stage 4 yet the research funding remains an appalling 5 % or under of dollars directed towards Stage 4.

When you are out there wearing your Pink Boots or Flip Flops, drinking out of your mug with the Breast Cancer Symbol Be a cheerleader and demand equal treatment for women who are Stage 4. Write to your local politicians, MP's MPP's, Oncology Care Units directing your letters to the head of the Oncology Department. To University- Medical Schools. Hit the Pharmacuetical Companies,   Demand that more research dollars that YOU the public generously have donated be allocated for these women too. Women with Stage4 Breast Cancer are never the Invisible Minority....Or should they be relegated in being the Silent Minority ..These are your mothers sisters aunts wives and friends. They deserve every advantage during these last stages of their illness as what is given when Breast Cancer is detected early.

October is not about   celebrating    a ribbon or anything Pink I celebrate the thousands of women & men who are fighting this fight on a daily basis or who have passed on before me.

It is a reminder that I have Breast Cancer !! There is real possibility I could very well die from it. I will pass "Getting My Pink Party ON!! Instead I will pray that with all of the millions of dollars due to be collected during October there will be equity in the distribution. Donate but donate wisely directly to your Cancer associations, before spending ask yourself if you really need that toilet plunger with a Breast Cancer Symbol on it....
~ Alli...........

OUR Fault we have Breast Cancer!!

2011-09-22T22:24:00.000-04:00

I passed my two year mark ending Chemo...No whistles balloons or fireworks. The day came and went. So now I enter my third year you can't help but wonder what will it be like. Hopefully not full of too many surprises,What I would be the happiest most would be rid of the bone and joint pain that still has me in a vice! There are some days my left ankle hurts so badly it's excrutiating. Friday I went to the bank. The bank machines were very busy each machine had at least 6 people ahead of me of course they had to do all their bill paying at the same time.I find it so much easier to pay online without having to wait.....My back hurt, my ankle was very sore. I reached the machine a message popped up on the screen. "This machine is not available , this ATM machine is updating"
I was not happy standing there all that time , One of the bank clerks wearing a CIBC "Think pink"" T shirt saw my plight took pity on me...I sat down in the chair burst into tears. Now how silly is that? But I just can't stand that long at a time.
The other day I heard that Evangelist Pat Robertson has said it's OK to leave your spouse if they have Alzhiemers they have no memory of you, it's ok to divorce and carry on with a new life, no point wasting time with someone who doesn't remember you. ....What ever happened to For Better or Worse and In Sickness and in Health? Then elsewhere I read where again it was a "Man of God" Claims it OUR FAULT we have Breast Cancer. He claims oh his name is Henry Wright....
"Bitterness is the Root cause of our Breast Cancer. He goes on to say::

A woman with breast cancer has unforgiveness with another female as documented by Henry Wright, Be In Health Ministry in Georgia. If on the left side of the breast, then it is bitterness towards another woman blood related. If on the right side, a good friend or a woman that is not blood relative like a mother-in-law.

If the right side, then it could be a very close friend who hurt you, betrayed you, put you down, had a lot of accusation, acted like they were above you or the worst, try to control your life. It can be a mother-in-law who interfers with your marriage and does not respect you.

Anyway, these are issues bring in bitterness into the heart and when the bitterness is not dealt with for a long period of time, the person can develop breast cancer because of unforgiveness.

Second, unresolved interpersonal conflicts not only lead to decreased immunity but open the door to what we call "blocks to healing." Unresolved conflicts not only leave spiritual blocks in our bodies but also in our souls and spirits.

I read this and the language coming out of my mouth was not lady like at all. I mean where does this guy get off blaming women, for getting Breast Cancer. That we carry Bitterness. Women being persecuted for being sick. A self proclaimed witch hunt. Women are always subjected as being the blame for every ilk of the world. How dare this so called backward preacher make such an uninformed statement. Unfortunately there are women who will believe this rhetoric take it as truth blame themselves likely not be treated, die of their own guilty feelings..We as women already feel so exposed .Imagine 40,000 women are expected to die from Breast Cancer in 2011 and this idiot tells women it's their fault...I'm not a violent person but sometimes you'd like to slap the stupidity out of some people.

It has been nearly 5 weeks since I started to have breathing difficulties. I have had 2 cat scans, . The lymph node in my neck still feels like a goose egg. chest xray had a gallon of blood taken Tested my oxygen level in my blood, sits around 87-89 normal is around 95.
One off my greatest fears besides drowning is not to be able to breath to constantly struggle for every breath,I have a sticky cough some days worse than the other. Last but not least my lymphodema is getting quite bad.. My hand looks like a puffy pillow my fingers just ache and burn...I need a holiday away by a beach but it will help if I could breath through it......

Cancer Buddies

2011-09-08T03:34:00.001-04:00

Someone asked me some time back. Why do I have Cancer buddies? Do I still have other friends too? I believe it is like anything. You tend to spend time with people you have the most in common with.

Basically when you have Cancer you look for others who have something in common with you. I don't think you make a decision to switch all your friends to Cancer Buddies. But it does make things easier when you have a friend to talk with that has gone or going through the same kinds of problems. It very much like networking. You are always searching for information that might help you in the long term..

Your non-Cancer friends have a difficult time in understanding. some do try. The empathy well can be disingenuous Others will tell you outright they can't deal with the illness in any form. Some will simply ignore your calls, make up excuses. You don't have to beat your head against a brick wall to fully comprehend while you are sick, some friendships end. . The way your friends react to you has a definite impact on your self esteem in particular the way you cope with your illness. I am also of the opinion that some may have superstitious beliefs that if YOU have cancer, being exposed may put them at the same kind of risk. They stay away. You feel guilt. Wondering why?

You go through the scans, you are pricked probed and prodded. It would be ideal if there was that friend you have had forever that could hold your hand sit with you or just bring you a hot cup of tea without having some strange distorted picture in their mindset.

In some instances I don't believe it's not so much that they don't care, they just can't put your Cancer into perspective....The FEAR FACTOR!!

Everyone copes differently. I no longer care as much as I did when I was first diagnosed telling my friends. Deal with it or don't I still have to live with it daily. I know at some point it might kill me and there is the crux of the matter when it comes to friends understanding. The FEAR OF DEATH....Their own mortality comes into question. Feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed at the prospect of being around someone that could die. When they ask you, "What's your prognosis"....? In other words when are you going to die? Your friends can say some of the most outrageous things.

Negative reactions can wear you down. So having a Cancer Buddy you don't need to go into long detailed explanations, or be an apologist for being sick. It can become depressing feeling like a one way street and you are driving the wrong way. We can't change anyone or how they behave but we can control our own reaction and how we respond.

Occasionally I tell them how I really feel...doesn't seem to be something they are especially interested in hearing. I can see their demeanor change into "why did I have to ask."My family does not give me what I need when it comes to emotional support or unconditional love. But I'm used to that.I do admit there are times you can feel envious in reading how families come together, rally around together It is now September I believe my older brother called me in June...My step-father who is now in his mid 80's does call me. It is a painful realization that if they can't pay the attention now while I am alive still here when I'm gone the chances of remembering will be even less.

I do allow joy and happiness but I also have to accept the sadness and grief I feel too. Sometimes all you need is just some simple understanding. Many times your Cancer Buddy is the one who can give that because who else can appreciate what we go through....unless they have experienced it first hand.

A New Start

2011-09-07T02:14:00.000-04:00

Well the day finally arrived, suitcase in the middle of the room, Miss Lucy happily sleeping on his folded clothes and mom sniffling like I had a chronic drippy nose. Tears were off and on throughout the day just when I thought it was OK I would see something that stirred up memories of little boys and first day of school.
It's like this heaviness enveloped my heart and kept pulling tighter and tighter till I could hardly breathe.
We sat we laughed talked and giggled about stories from my childhood days. There was a quite tension in the room but no one was about to be the first one to admit.
I am really proud of him the young man he has become. Everyone likes him. He will be in Vancouver for a month. October they head out to Calgary travel to Banff for the jobs they have been hired for. He's not sure what it will be but one thing it won't be skiing ,he doesn't ski.
I think Lucy feels my sadness, she hasn't left my feet except to do her nightly two minute ritual of chasing her tail in circles, bonks her head on the wall, comes back sits on my foot waiting for a head scratch.... Just us girls now. Well not quite Nate is here but he will be moving out soon too. My apartment suddenly has become very large. Rattling around here just the cat and I . I admit there are some hardships . There are 13 stairs I can't carry grocery bags or carry out the trash with my limpy hand. Somehow we will manage.

Health wise hmmm well I'm still coughing quite a bit...... I have developed these ugly stupid looking lymphedema sores on both my legs. I saw this teeny sores that suddenly grew!! I was shocked to say the least! Over night they seemed to come out of nowhere these little blisters I have kept them covered to avoid infection. I have to see the Dr. Oh and that's another story. I finally found a family Dr i really liked. I called for an appointment the receptionist told me he left. He took over a practice in another city. WOW! I was so upset. there is another Dr coming at the end of the week however this can't wait till then. I will have to go to the hospital emerg.
There is always one dumb-ass thing after another with Cancer Can't we just get a little break?? I mean seriously already! My nice legs with this? I am CURSED!!! lol

One thing my son will find when he unpacks his suitcase is a letter from mom........I can see him rolling his eyes now.......

He can't wait to leave!

2011-09-02T03:45:00.000-04:00

You look at your children, talk among your friends that you can't wait for the day when they leave home......To me that was a day I was never looking forward to. I knew I would miss my son terribly if he left. OK I could accept moving in with his buddies, living in the same city but coming in dropping by when the mood struck.. Not my kid he has to move far away on his first trek from mom. He is moving at least three thousand miles away. He booked his flight yesterday it's all set busily packing up some of his things. I go off on my crying jags making sure no one sees me. There have been those uncertain talks well mom if you really__________________fill in the space. NO I can't deny him his independence or his hand on venturing out on your own.
He leaves on the 7th of September.These days like summer are flying by. September 2nd already. What happened to July & August? I can hardly believe that's it's coming to two years since my last chemo and vacation in the hospital after crashing... I am still dealing with pneumonia my left lung is quite painful when I cough or just breathe. Still on antibiotics I find it much easier to deal with with the A/C on full blast. I actually don't have a lot to write for a change. I can't think of anything when my heart feels heavy. Am I being silly? I'm not really sure Boys have to get out there into the world fend for themselves become real MEN! Such stupid cliche lines who invents crap like this? It is 3:42 am......I just baked soft oatmeal raisin cookies.I find these are a good breakfast cookie. Good nite all..............

Just Call Me Jack!!

2011-08-28T01:09:00.000-04:00

Saturday was the memorial service for Jack Layton.....I watched it originally downtown were many people had gathered. I was close by after some tests grabbed a coffee at Tim Horton's.
Crowd was gathering, and people clapped as they saw his casket being taken out of the Toronto City Hall into the Hearse to prepare for the service at Roy Thomson's Hall. It was very heartening watching Olivia Chow, her family walking behind the hearse. It's funny we moan and complain about our politicians but Jack was actually one of the good guys. He really was a decent man who fought for women's right. Fought for equality and demanded that Gay's & Lesbians be allowed equal housing and not be discriminated against. He fought for Aids/HIV patients. he fought for the single mom that could barely afford housing. There are so many positive things you could say about "Jack" I don't think he had anyone he may have met along his journey that he didn't leave smiling. I met him a couple of years ago at a BBQ at Port Dalhousie. The best way to describe Jack is approachable. My son voted for the very first time in the Federal Elections. You try and get as much information on the potential candidates. Vote accordingly. Adam definitely felt Jack was the best option for the people , especially the younger generation. The up and coming soon to be adults. He didn't get the chance. Jack had Prostrate Cancer, he later developed a secondary cancer. Everyone is trying to figure out what kind. The kind really doesn't matter only that it took his life far too soon. He was loved he was a husband father grandfather. A friend to everyone. Jack left a statement before he died. He knew his time was running out. It has been written hundreds of times.. One more time.....

My friends, Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we will change the world.......

I survived the "tornado" of 2011 that wasn't

2011-08-26T02:38:00.002-04:00

“.. almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” - Steve Jobs

I snatched this off my friend Della's Facebook. I read this quote and thought how powerful these words really were.
Cancer is one of the most feared words in the Vocabulary. It is hard, there is no softness in it's pronunciation . It is just there like a hammer about to hit do some damage. My lord the damage it does. There is still that stigma associated with the word, people tend to shy away from you or when they do talk have you ever noticed they tend to whisper..... I always found that rather funny but weird in the same token.... It they whisper low enough maybe we'll go away.
Seriously does it get any easier? Earlier this evening I finally had to tell a friend of mine to stop telling me how I am....... I know he meant well but I asked him do you have any idea how frustrating it is to keep trying to make everyone else feel good about my having Cancer? Same repeated story we don't always want to put on a cheezy smile and have a June Cleaver moment in looking like the perfect poster mom for Cancer....Stop telling me I'm alright when you are more than 4,000 miles away...You can't see me.... Support me as I have said a million times by now but if i don't feel like reassuring you another million take a hint and S T O P ! I don't need to make you feel better when we feel like shit!

Yes we are so naked, we have given up so much just to try and remain solid, do you even notice we are there? Or is all you see is a big "C" planted in the center of our forehead. I laughed at one comment someone made when I attended a Breast Cancer Support Group. I really didn't have much family support so I thought I'd go find some hahaha

One lady actually stood up, admitted her fear of Cancer patients because she was told "WE" have a peculiar odour......We have a distinct Cancer Smell? You have to love some people and their strange proclivities. I was wearing L'Air du Temps...... I hope that doesn't smell like cancer because it sure smells nice on me.....

So last night we were supposed to have the storm of all storms here in Niagara.... Any one who knows me, knows I am petrified of Thunder Storms. and more so Lightening! When I was quite young there was a terrible storm, I remember laying in my bed thinking it was elephants about to stomp on our roof. Our roof caught on fire after being struck, I'll never forget my father wrapping me up in a blanket and putting me down on the sidewalk past our house. The whole porch roof was on fire. You have to wonder what times were like before smoke alarms.....
The next night we stayed at my grandmothers. Another summer storm just as vicious. Hit my grandmothers house, the TV blew.. smoke was coming from it, Firemen were called again two nights in a row! Any wonder why I'm scared of storms.....

From early afternoon there were Tornado warnings being issued for other parts of Ontario. - nothing for here Thank Goodness. however that changed rather quickly. Suddenly there were Tornado watches for Niagara, damn I live in Niagara but they didn't say where maybe I was hoping for a specific area. That's how neurotic I become over storms I need details and lots of information.....Then it started the sky became a very dark grey, the trees were still, the air became quite warm...Go back watch the weather channel some more....Trot back to the kitchen window, shut all the windows switch on the AC on low because it was getting warm...
Run back watch the weather channel again. Ok now it's raining! Panic starts to set in.... The winds pick up OK I'm on the second floor I envisioned the walls blown out but my furniture sitting in perfect condition my bed neatly made but with no walls surrounding us. Lucy by now was in hiding Oh I wish I were a cat crawling into small spaces. I grabbed the comforter off my son's bed...dropped it in the middle of the hallway. Proceeded to get my purse together. I put my passports my cosmetic bag into my purse I also grabbed Adams at the same time thinking I didn't want to spend another $85.00....One always needs a tube of lipstick!!! For any impending emergency.. I also put in my new mascara.Went back checked the weather channel again! Now we were on high alert the writing was in bright red to go find shelter what do you mean find shelter.....In my goobledy gook panic I was not thinking clearly Suddenly the power went off.Oh Oh!! It's OK I had my scented candle that smelled like pumpkin and ginger on my desk lit it with a lighter I found. just then the power came back on! All was well I put my mug in the microwave made a huge mug of tea just in case while the water boiled went back watched the weather channel....Just then the power went off again for a second time luckily the water boiled. I had my pumpkin candle in one hand while I prepared my tea with the other. I methodically walked back into the bedroom sat down at my desk debated with myself if I should scoot down and wait at the bottom of the steps as I had planned. Oh it was raining hard thunder lightening you could hear it far away and close up. I covered my windows I wanted no part of it..... power came back on back to the weather channel. Burlington was being hit Metal was falling off the Burlington Bridge. trees being uprooted. we should be next. Finally the tornado warning no longer appeared. It was over and I'm still here and safe! i eventually went to bed so exhausted in working myself into a dither. I did sleep well never woke up once. Woke up this morning the sun was shining...All was well with the world again. I survived the Tornado that never was of 2011

Move over pets, I need Storm Stress too.........

By Your Own Interpretation....

2011-08-22T06:41:00.000-04:00

Every human being is the author of his own health or disease....Buddha

How true is this statement relative of today?

It's all about the choices......

2011-08-21T04:06:00.000-04:00

This afternoon a friend stopped by to give me a hand at folding some laundry. With the nueropathy in my left hand being a little worse plus my right arm hurting because of this gland I feel like I have minimal use of my hands. She came into my house limping. She laughed and said her "new boyfriend" kicked her in the back of her achilles tendon upon further questioning yes he did kick her and it was deliberate. She told me that he is a kick boxer. He loves to fight. He kicked her to show her how easy it would be to take her down.I could feel the blood drain from my face. She further explained that he didn't kick her as hard as he could have this was just a demonstration! A demonstration? She went on to elaborate that he grabbed her by the leg squeezed a muscle that debilitated her from walking for a few minutes. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table listening trying to absorb this garbage. It was impossible. I asked if she had suddenly lost her mind somewhere? He, married 3xs, the third time for only a few days. I suspect by what she alluded to there was some violence involved. I asked where she met this guy, she told me on a web site called a dating site Plenty of Fish (what a name) He was looking for a steady relationship, owns a 5000 sq ft home. saw the photos it's up for sale. Owns his own contracting business. Sorry a guy that tries to disable me on the first date can forget dinner and head directly to jail! She sees all the nice things the trips he has offered her to be his steady companion and I suspect his kicking board too.....For the first time I wanted to slap her back into a reality check.....Yes she struggles, she's a single mom works very hard. But this is so WRONG on so many levels. The unfortunate thing is you can't make someone listen when they have their ears closed and wear blinders at the same time. I don't want the additional stress worrying about her too. Too late for that........

My son was talking on how he can hardly wait to leave home it can't be soon enough, he's anxious ready to take on the world. Be on his own...My heart ached . I know he didn't mean get away from me. we have always had an excellent parent child relationship. I adore my son and give him the space he needs, he always has me to fall back on no matter what. I do have one condition if you get in trouble with the Law, are thrown in jail don't call me to bail you out! the rest mom is always here. But here's the catch. Yup back to that damned "C" word again. Mom might not always be here. We just never know when our bodies change and the cancer comes back. Tonight he asked Mom how are you going to manage doing certain things. like taking out the garbage or carrying a full load of groceries up 13 steps. Or if you are sick and no one is here. I think he has hit a Guilt Road Block and that is the last thing I want for him. Yet silently I admit I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay. Let me be "mom" longer not shorter. Let me hug this big 6'4 handsome young man... I'll miss him calling me a Hobbit or his sitting on my bed and we talk about girls, how he is not ready for "Adult" things he wants to be a kid longer but he's leaving at the same time. It's a conflicting mumbo jumbo of feelings. Raising him as been my joy. we have dealt with many hardships all the way to get to this crucial point in his life. He is bi-racial. The racist comments that he endured - being bullied. Yet he set a standard for himself at the age of nine it was evident he was going to be his own man...We went to a thrift shop because he wanted a trench coat, not a name brand jacket a trench coat with a belt and wide lapels....A well known shop called Value Village had one a little bit big but it was ok. There it began.. He wore this coat to school, he was teased made fun of. Adam's response was Everyone was copying from GAP ROOTS or whatever... I set my own style...And he did too, hence the Trench Coat Brigade had it's start. Other boys copied his style..This is the kind of boy he is. He doesn't conform to what's popular . Or his bizzare taste in food,he likes to experiment with flavours and tastes. He does not touch fast food. A McDonalds Burger - out of the question..Anything processed...but his Oatmeal and BBQ sauce for breakfast is beyond weird! I could not believe what he was eating..... These are the silly things I will miss. He is leaving in three weeks with his Aussie buddies. They are headed towards Banff Alberta with a stop first in Vancouver. Look for work, save some money and in the spring head towards Europe, back pack ending up in Australia eventually. I hope and pray nothing will stand in his way to see the world. We all have to find our own Niche in life, I know whether I am here or God Forbid the other that whatever he does, he will do it his way.....

The Day Of The Scan.......

2011-08-20T00:43:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up bright and early. Still dark but you could see the dawn coming. I have been waking up early quite a bit lately. Good thing I did this morning !! I looked at my appointment book there it was Catscan 6:30am.. Oh Lord I wasn't nearly ready so I scrambled quick shower called a cab off I went in a matter of 20 minutes.I was positive it was 6:30 pm. The diagnostic rooms are open till midnight daily, except Saturday & Sunday till 6:00pm.
I was talking with the cab driver on the way to the hospital, he noted I was early. I told him I had to be there for a Catscan. I had him a few times before. We talked for a bit about Breast Cancer he went on to tell me of his mother. "Yup she had it, as soon as they fried her with radiation she was a goner".... He went on to say she looked like a burnt french fry....hmmm I mean what kind of a response can you give? Kind of shook my head, paid him went to the check in area.. I finally arrived the room was full. Doesn't it make you the least bit curious what everyone has that we need to here at this Ungodly hour being zapped? There are those stares sideways from people because my hospital has had a major problem with this C-Difficile Virus so far 31 patients have died and the death rate keeps climbing. People are worried and you can't blame them. I cancelled a couple of appointments myself and was reluctant to have this done except that I felt it was necessary.

They did the preliminary my oxygen level was at 86 it is supposed to be around 95 no wonder I'm having a hard time breathing. I feel like I should have had one of those walkers and me an oxygen tank. I get to my destination as long as I move slowly. I am still coughing, if anything it's a little worse. Dr feels I have pneumonia. I already figured that one out antibiotics , huge pink horse pills for the pneumonia. Why do they make them so big? You can hardly swallow them without gagging. Yuck!! I'm like a baby I need good tasting or at least crushed pills lol. The fatigue has really been the overwhelming factor. If I could I would sleep the entire day. Tomorrow I just might stay in bed rest up drink orange juice and not move.

The summer before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer I was experiencing some symptoms that maybe should have clued a Dr in to something. I had moved about a month earlier I started feeling very tired catching my breath was difficult. I ended up going to the Emerg Triage care a couple times during those days. The third time the Dr on call was certain I was about to have either a stroke or heart attack. My B/P went over the roof 225/110. I was admitted into the Coronary care unit. Everyday I was sent for some tests but nothing showed up. Finally the Cardiologist made arrangements for me to have an Angiogram. . Before going I was sent for a CTScan on my chest. I was coughing shortness of breath it was decided to go this route. It showed on my left lung that I had a couple of NON CALCIFIED LUNG NODULES. I was told they were small but not told what it was. I later learned it could be early stage Lung Cancer but it needs to be observed. OK scroll up 3 years later. There I am asking questions I know darned well I'm not going to get an answer to. All she said there was a little activity with one of the nodules.Then of course you want further answers but they tell you you will need to get the answers from your doctor.......hmmm...I am not going to sit, worry that maybe by some weirdity I have Lung Cancer No No No!! But we all know how cancer patients think now don't we.. Someplace in a dark little corner of your mind is that "Could it be spot?" "Or what if"?I think it's cruel and unusual punishment to let people wait for days stewing worrying which exacerbates things even further... There should be same day results. Like taking your photos in having them ready 1 hour later.....But those are becoming obsolete with Digital Cameras. Then all the more they should have quicker results. I think for peace of mind being crucial, that would help.....Oh and I did end up having an angiogram three years prior scarey experience..They wanted to shove this thing in my artery in my thigh I looked at him said you better find a different spot because you are not putting that in there over there !!. They ended up putting it in my wrist. They don't put you right under just nice drugs to make you totally Stupid in your state of semi unconciousness.... I was singing a rock song that was playing in the room. What it was ?Who knows They the Drs. who were very nice looking told me so...... of course nothing showed up because nothing was wrong with my heart! You certainly do get excellent one on one care in the cardiac unit. I was there for a week. Sent home with no answers. And the same problem, though I was given a puffer...

We will wait and see what this is all about and if there is any significance to the growth of the nodules. Plus the lymph node is still in my neck

I can hardly believe it is the 20th of August. Again the summer has flown by. This summer I have paid particular attention to little things. The various species of birds living in the cedar hedges. it seems to be a hodge-podge of everything. If I were a birder I might know some of the names. I haven't complained about the heat because I love the way it feels.

It seems I am still the topic of discussion or should I say gossip about my decision not to continue my meds. Apparently a second cousin of mine in the States has gotten wind of it (Only way was through my immediate family) She is praying so the "devil" doesn't take my soul in making such a foolish decision because these kinds of situations are left to a higher power to decide the outcome of our lives..I won't write what I said but these are family I see maybe once every blue moon at a wedding or funeral. One reason I will not have family infiltrate my Face Book.....It sounds so morbid like they have started a "death watch" to see how long it lasts..or takes me to kick the bucket. Just for that I am going to be around for a long time. Hell with them..

Cough due to?

2011-08-15T23:54:00.000-04:00

The past couple of weeks I have not felt well. Not enough at that time to pay the Dr a visit. One day last week I woke up with a sore neck. I felt around and found a lymph gland swollen the size of a Golf Ball! I didn't have a cold or any minor illnesses. In fact I was feeling not to badly. I then noticed I was very short on my breath in fact I couldn't catch it. I had it before so I never gave it much thought. I have a puffer... A puff here and there I was fine but it wasn't working this time!
I saw my Dr. he checked my neck and proceeded to ask a few questions. Do I have a sore throat -no do I have any cuts anywhere infected -nope. The only other symptom I have been experiencing is a sore neck and shoulder one spot in particular. Even the slightest touch hurts.Dr feels that it could be the large Lymph Node sitting on a nerve causing some compression pain.. He wants me to have a CTSCAN blood work and some other things.
It becomes unnerving when you don't know what's going on. All the I wonder "if's" start leaving a mark on your brain like indelible ink......you do your best to prevent your brain from going into over time with these thoughts... Still my issue is my shortness of breath. Walking from one end of my apt to the other leaves me winded.I have developed a fairly bad cough my chest hurts.. This week we will get it figured out...You'll make yourself feel nutty if you spend all your time being pre-occupied by other thoughts..
I'm going to keep my fingers crossed hope that it's really nothing at all..............

What's it really like?

2011-08-09T20:15:00.003-04:00

There was a topic on a Blog, Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer... What happens after treatment ends.?
It really seemed to strike a chord. I believe so many of us just disappear into the cracks. We are finished we are supposed to move on. that's a very simplistic mindset for others to decide for us. As I said on a previous topic we already feel guilty for having cancer, putting our families through unending stress. Their feelings have to count for something. You can't tell anyone how you really are feeling. You suck it in smile pretty for the camera but on the inside you are falling apart.

On those days when I feel a meltdown coming I can go in my room and just cry but I have to keep that "Happy Face" on the ready just in case someone sees me. Many times I feel like I have become an apologist because I have Cancer, and of course they try and correct you by saying HAD CANCER - do I argue back? No so you just suck it up again. We watch our friends die and the question is in our head..

No one tells us what to expect. We finish our last chemo get your little prize, mine was a cheap plastic daffodil with a white ribbon.

Cancer is difficult no one can prepare you how difficult. No one, tells you how terrible the side effects were going to be taking Arimidex and the other drugs of their type - Post Cancer treatment....

No one tells you that you can suffer permanent nerve damage from Chemo.
No one tells you of the helplessness you feel . You try and feel happy hoping your life will get back to the way it was but there is that hesitation that won't allow you to because if you do it might not last.

I don't want to hear I had a "Good Cancer" No Cancer is a good cancer. I have stage 3 grade 3 that's way up on the ladder. We still die by the thousands we are still diagnosed by the millions...

Reading "What happens after Cancer treatment ends" really brought it home to how many of us have similar fears only told in our own story. When I'm asked how does it feel not to have breasts, how are you supposed to answer that? Next question are men turned off because you don't have breasts.. My breasts are not me but a small part and if they wanted me only for them You are outta luck.......You can't help but laugh because some of the question are so stupid.... There's no thought or reasoning ...

Don't misunderstand things aren't, always bad or sad.... I still laugh and act like a fool, daydream, wishful thinking .. I am grateful for every single day. The people in my life, My friends old and new. Just let me be who I am now, I can't, as much as I'd like to bring that other girl back. Love me who I am, help me if I ask. Please don't try and fix me you can't

Empty Nest....

2011-08-08T01:26:00.000-04:00

Both boys have been away at various places for several days. So I have a taste of what it will be like when both decide to move away. The time is coming sooner than later.
The first night I was totally alone was Thursday...I was trying to decide what I wanted for dinner. I made some chicken burgers, so I decided on this for dinner. Had my condiments, hot peppers onion and pickle too.....When I finished I had one fork small plate that i washed put away immediately.

Morning I made my poached egg on toast..I bought bread the day before , the loaf was full except for my one piece. I had a glass or orange juice. WOW the jug is full not empty left in the fridge for posterity!

I'm liking this....So far I didn't go through 3 large rolls of TP. Mouth wash isn't disappearing like water. Toothpaste tube isn't scrunched in a twisted heap with tooth paste dribbles in the sink..Toilet seat is down!! Oh and towels hanging on the rack not laying in a corner growing a science project......

I walked into my living room, not one water bottle was laying on my glass coffee table or floor. XBOX games were all neatly stacked in the same place. My sofa pillows were still fluffy. The throw I have on the sofa was there hanging neatly off the corner of the sofa... The best part there they were TWO REMOTES!! Both on the coffee table sitting side by side. I didn't have to dig through the sofa throw the cushions off to look for them stuck by the inside wall of the inner couch... No socks hiding in a corner. The portable phone was actually hung up. I didn't have to send the tracer buzzer looking for it...
I had food in my fridge, i had something to drink if I wanted it....Oh and I didn't have my laundry room looking like a typhoon had gone through it. Or wet T shirts sitting in the machine (another potential science project)

If this is any indication of what I should expect living alone /I say bring it on!!
Tomorrow it will be mayhem they both come home......But I can dream of the day..........

Love You Through It.....

2011-08-06T02:50:00.001-04:00

A few days ago someone sent me a You Tube link for singer Martina McBride. I admit I'm not a country music fan so I hesitated , thinking it was "Love done gone wrong" song Tonight I finally decided in the midst of browsing I would play this song.
It nearly jolted me off my seat. The lyrics were so on point so poignant and so heartbreaking with a positive note.
The song is called "I'm going to love you through it" About a young mother in her 30's who learned she had Breast Cancer.. Her husband was there to be her life line - to support her through the trying time that were about to come.
Since I began blogging I have really found the importance of having a connecting base with my fellow bloggers. All our circumstances are different, vary from stage to grade .There is that caring empathy that is not just on a cyberspace blog. The intentions are real, we can cry bitch moan complain have a good laugh, and know there is someone out there who is being your life line.
What about these women who don't have the kind of family support, who have to deal with their monsters on their own imagined or not. Cancer takes so much mental energy from you, makes you physically exhausted even if you are in denial.
When I learned I had Breast Cancer I had to think about who was I going to tell? During that time my brother was never sober, my older brother and I spoke infrequently. My sister I did tell her but she is the kind that will blow you off if it doesn't concern her. I did call my step-dad.....He was sweet and kind but busy......the day I called he was going bowling with his seniors group. Even till now I think why couldn't they be a little more supportive? We went through months of watching my mother slip away....
Since then I have come to realize some families are just not good with the support mechanisms, I tend to think they fear their own mortality if they see a sibling going through a life threatening illness. Who knew just a few short weeks later my younger brother would die. Now there was double between he and I it was too much for one family to cope -at least mine anyway.
there was a time that I was resenting that my being sick was not on anyone's priority list. I went to the hospital alone, woke up from surgery alone. I was telling a friend of mine the other night on the phone that I wished I had family that would bring me a casserole, a hamburger or even a sandwich.. . It hurt to move my arm.
No matter what's done is done! However there is so much importance on being someone's life line..Just to reach out to them by telephone, email even the old snail mail method. A few simple words can make such a difference in another persons life. We all know the fear that revolves around the knowledge we have Breast Cancer..CANCER the Big C word. The utter helplessness that you can't help feeling. Like the song says "You feel lost scared to death"
The song relates more to a husband and wife situation, but it doesn't have to be. If you know someone, be there for them it's no fun doing this alone. The fear of the unknown can be terrifying like those boogey-men dreams we had as children. I know I have certainly appreciated those hands that were extended to me by virtual strangers in the literal sense. You make forever friends. When we lose one of our friends we feel it like family. All we need to do is ..
LOVE THEM THROUGH IT I posted the video please listen....

What are you scared of?

2011-08-04T04:19:00.000-04:00

Tonight I was having a long discussion with my cousin She had been away to the East Coast on a bus tour. I thought why a bus tour but makes perfect sense. You sit in a swanky air conditioned bus. You don't have to take turns driving. Stop every once in a while for a bathroom and food break. Plus she said it was relaxing. She and hubby laughed talked played cards. Perfect situation!. Next year they are planning and I do mean PLANNING a trip to Australia. She has a binder filled with her itinerary, routes, places to stay eat and even take breaks at. She is one of these meticulous planners. Everything has to be in order numerically if that's the case or from your ABC'S of it all.
It's great to be organized my idea in traveling is be spontaneous. ..
She and I have never really talked about my cancer. I think it scares her to see how vulnerable we as women can become.
The question came, what scares me the most of having Breast Cancer? Was it losing my Breasts? I told her that was a minor issue , you do what needs to be done if that means losing a breast or both you do it. What about the Chemo? yes that did scare me because it was like having drain-O pumped into your veins. Then all you want to do is pee and vomit it out of your body.
I felt like we were dancing around the questions. I don't think she had anything specific in mind, she wanted to know from me what it was like.
I answered her the best I could. In explaining I did say it wasn't so much about fear more of the unexpected not knowing what to expect. My family knows that my faith is an intregal part of who I am . My family all switched religions, different churches, different philosophies. Myself I stayed with my Catholic Faith. What I would miss would be seeing my son with the girl he chooses to marry. I would miss grandchildren. I would miss not knowing what he did with his life
So it's not about being scared or fearing anything it is more on the things I would not be here for. But who knows all these things may happen, but she was referring to the immediate future of what if's.
I felt there was more she wanted to say but that's ok for today.......
My son is off to Lolapalooza in Chicago.....I know he will be fine, Can't stop worrying anyway........

Moody Again........

2011-07-31T02:03:00.001-04:00

Today is one of those days that I feel like a thread wound tightly around a bobbin. Someone has one end of the thread I'm hanging on to and I'm about to spin.....Out of control. It's like my insides can't catch up to my outsides I feel like yelling at someone or something.I just feel like it that's all....My foot hurts, the other ankle hurts I make no apologies to anyone today...I have been trying to keep up this smiley attitude for the past few weeks. More so since I stopped taking my pills.But I no longer care. I can't behave differently for others. Pretend that I am the old me before Cancer made it's home in me. I am in a pissy mood. it's one of these mood swings I guess. I blasted my landlord yesterday for leaving glass at the bottom of my step. Today I yelled at him again for something different. Cut the grass on a regular basis or have someone do it instead of waiting for the backyard to look like a hay field. Beautiful yard but the grass gets too long before he cuts it. The boys have offered if he had a mower that worked.

Tonight I saw a photo of a young couple. He had his arm wrapped tighly around her, she was looking up at him with so much emotion and love. You could see how deep the connection was between them. Then underneath the caption said Rest In Peace Malinda... She was young beautiful died of Breast Cancer. For a few seconds my heart sank.....Anymore you just are at a loss of words. Can we keep saying "I'm sorry" What are we sorry for? Are we sorry that funding sucks to certain areas of research? Are we sorry because there are organizations that will take advantage of you?

I remember when I was first diagnosed I had Breast Cancer. I was buying everything up that had the Pink Logo, Logo really? It's just a pink ribbon. Now I avoid the same products, refuse to get caught up in the hype. Everybody has a gimmick.. So I guess saying I'm sorry when you learn of one more Cancer death is the most neutral thing to say. It's not terribly offensive, denotes just the right amount of sympathy without gushing.

Pain in the Foot

2011-07-29T01:36:00.000-04:00

The past couple of days the temperature has been very moderate. Not that hot dry sticky humidity we had, even though I don't plan to complain about this summer. In fact I love it.
My landlord has been busy showing the apartment below me to prospective tenants. Some wanted to see others were curious.. My landlord has been a gem. He's been excellent about renting the apartment to good tenants. He has told me several times he does want others to disturb me.

So this afternoon I went outside to water my container of gerainiums. Had my water in hand stepped down suddenly felt the most piercing pain. Someone had left a broken jar at the bottom of the step with a jagged surface. My son is standing outside with a couple of friends, they all turned this funny ashy colour and thought they would pass out. It did bleed a lot and I could not get the glass out.I did go to the emerg surprising they took me right away!. It was a fairly bad gash, requiring 4 stitches. I don't know who left the glass the boys said neither did they, There was some work being done, it could have been forgotten.. Either way I know it was not deliberate

A lot of the achiness is feeling much better. Just a few spots in the joints that do hurt., my left ankle is still problomatic even that in time will be different. Unfortunately there is no change in my left hand, I still use the squishy ball , exercise it as often as I can..

I have been thinking about my mother quite often over the last few weeks. I really do miss her. We did have some major eruptions while I was a teenager. We as daughters never like to think that our mother's could know a thing or two and give us some incite instead of rejecting what they say as "old" "nothing new" Yet some of those exact things come back, bite us in the butt when we have our own children.
My son told me the other day...."Mom as much as I love you, when I have my own kids I'm not going to say or do such and such" Oh I could hear myself telling my mother those exact words.
If my mother were here she would be very upset. She'd be walking around with extra strength bleach cleaning everything believing she could wipe those cancer bugs out with a cloth. In every corner nook and cranny....Or she'd be baking muffins, cookies cakes or whatever with tons of walnuts. I think she should have written a book 101 ways with walnuts....
I think if she were here we would catch up on things that maybe we never talked about. My mother was very uptight about talking about periods ,sex ,and other "Yucky" things! Still I can understand, coming from a strict Catholic home with Eastern European Grandparents..
Funny, how some things come to mind........I think about her now and I can just smile about it.......

Growing Pains.....& Mom

2011-07-26T00:55:00.001-04:00

I have come to the conclusion that it is much harder for boys to make that transformation into adulthood than girls. The saying holds true, girls do mature much faster than boys.

My son and I were having one of our mom & son talks today . He feels a lot of confusion as to where his place in life is supposed to be,or how to get there.Mind you he is only 18 so there is plenty of time. He told me that he will not consider himself a grown up till he is 21. He was quite adamant and emotional. "Mom I just want to play with my toys some more, I want to run around the streets playing tag with my friends. I don't want to grow up yet. " I think the whole idea of becoming an adult is very scarey, All these new responsibilities, things that expected and required. It still is a part of life and growing up that we all have to do at some point.

I'm happy that my son feels that he can talk to me about anything. He gets all squirmmy when the subject of sex is broached. But I have no qualms discussing it with him, and luckily he knows he can tell me anything ask for advise without my being judgemental.

We talked further and he told me how my being sick affected him. He told me he had nightmares the times I was so sick from chemo the time I passed out. Adam told me he never saw me so vulnerable and weak. He was always used to seeing me as "mom" I did everything I cooked cleaned fixed things I took care of the house. I took care of him and now he was taking care of me.. .He told me he was scared the word Cancer messed with his mind When he was small he lost both his great grandmother and grandmother a few short months apart. Death was something he had experienced.....Even to this day if you tell him someone has cancer he walks out of the room - doesn't want to know or hear it....least of all talk about it....

We had what I think is one of the frankest discussions we have had to date. One of the most surprising things he said was that I should never apologize to anyone for any decisions I make from now on.I don't owe anyone anything... He went on to say ( It took every ounce of effort not to cry) he sees me home, knows what I go through and wishes he could take some of the pain away.He said mom go out have fun, write your book finally. It occured to me that we have to include our children in our decisions especially when ultimately it may affect them some time in the future. We don't want to add another burden on them but not to include them in certain aspects is not always in their best interest. Today I felt as though I was talking to a young man not a boy - even in moments he wishes he could stay that way. But don't we all sometimes?

We ended things by his saying you know mom the more I think about it and the older I get the more I realize I'm a lot like you..
The nicest thing your child can say about you, is that I did a good job raising him and he wouldn't want to change a thing...Life wasn't always easy.I worked, there were times I ran out of money.We talked about carrying food home from the food bank. Taking long bike rides to the lake having a mini picnic. He has so many happy memories with a few not so great thrown in the midst. My son is on loan to me until he finds that special girl that will make new memories with him - hopefully not for a few years

I found his first day of school picture and his High School Graduation Prom picture.. All those years that passed all seem like they were yesterday.....September 1998 - June 2011

I'm still here......

2011-07-21T00:26:00.001-04:00

From the time of my last posting, I have since stopped taking all of the Aromasin based meds along with Tamoxifen. So far I still have the pain in my left leg and more so my ankle. I didn't think it would stop instantly. Time will tell how long it persists. I am still being met what I call soft hostility with my decision. From people who play no significant part of my life to immediate family members who believe I have given myself a death sentence. I weighed all my options, went over all the pros and cons, no I'm not playing with my life and frankly I'm tired of having to repeat it. I have had some very positive feed back as well so not all is lost to the nay sayers....

More and more I an losing the use of my left hand due to Neuropathy. I have done what I was told but I honestly believe these miserable pills had something to do with speeding up the process by affecting my joints I have been experiencing this Restless Leg Syndrome. It is so frustrating because your leg feels weighted down and if you don't move it you experience these awful sensations. I find that upon onset if I crawl under my blankets keep my leg warm it does go away. However it is increasingly becoming annoying...
There is always something going on..

The funniest calls I have been receiving are:: "Hi Alli" Yes that's me! them:: "Oh you sound fine Me:: Well I am fine.. Them:: Oh I wasn't sure.....
Is it morbid curiosity that has them calling? Well sometimes you just have to laugh it off.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this fantastic weather. I for one don't complain about the heat because I am well to familiar winter is lurking around the corner.Tomorrow is supposed to be the hottest on record. In the 40c's with the humidex reaching around 50c. I don't remember days this hot here. When I lived in Africa, Zanzibar you could see the earth steaming it was so hot... If you are in the area with excessive heat drink lots of water stay in the shade, run around naked who needs clothes in this heat hahahaha

Wrong Wrong Wrong!!

2011-07-06T01:18:00.000-04:00

I have received a lot of negative feed back from family & friends regarding my recent post of Quality vs Quantity.
I have been ostracized by friends saying that my motives are not only selfish, self serving and not well thought out, but I didn't give any thought to anyone else except myself.

Well I'm sorry about this but "NewsFlash" it is about me. Am I being selfish? I am needing to make some clarifications here.

First and foremost I am not planning on any Dr Kervorkian methods. Or am I planning a trip to Europe and not come back.. This isn't what it's about. It's about finding a ways and means of getting through this without being in continual pain. Perhaps finding a complimentary therapy that is pain free. I admit I was extremely pissed off at certain individuals calling me selfish. Ok Where were you when I called asking for a little help during the times of my chemo? Even asking to be picked up and dropped off at home when done. I wasn't driving after my sessions.I had to take a taxi Where were you when I asked if Adam could pop over for a bite to eat. Not because we didn't have food because he needed some comfort from others who claimed to love him..For a 16 year old he suddenly was thrown into a world he wanted no part of but was there through it all. Sometimes I get the impression that to prove you have cancer people expect you to be in pain, that's what Cancer people do!! BE IN PAIN!! Seriously!! .I'm not about to compare who is more selfish because it's ridiculous! This is not about selfishness at all...This is not a contest! If these pills didn't create such horrendous side effects I would be more than willing happy, elated, and any other cheerful descriptive word to describe my "gratitude" and take them for 10 years if need be.I would take them forever if needed... My point is these pills may be the wonder drug but seriously how many women complete the regime with out extraordinary side effects. We don't have any proof that these pills work! How often do we read women switch from one to the next because they stop working, developing Mets anyway??

I am well aware of the potential consequences......

All I am trying to get across that there has to be a better method in treating women like us.

No worries please.......I'm not about to go anywhere for as long as I possibly can......I have things to do places to visit and Tigers to hunt (with my camera of course)! A friend of mine took this photo last month in India. Isn't he a beauty!!

Quality vs Quantity?

2011-07-02T10:05:00.003-04:00

The day you receive the diagnosis , you have Breast Cancer life after that is never the same. Everyone takes the news differently. Some fall apart, others will claim the news was a wake up call inspiring them to change their lives. Others like my self pure fear at the unknown outcome, never being certain how things will be in our futures, how long that future will be and if we even have one! You read everything you can get your hands on your particular cancer. You want to know statistics cure rates how long will I live, what the different stages signify..Your mind gets overloaded on Breast Cancer information, and it still isn't enough. If it were possible you would read every single detailed paper written on your type.

You begin your roller coaster ride of treatments beginning with surgery, you have your breasts removed told that there was no other option especially if there is lymph node involvement.

Chemo is definitely not fun in fact it is the worst shock your body endures. Having poison pumped through your veins. You hope that the cancer is destroyed, in the process the treatment doesn't kill you first. You still do it because Chemo is the only "REAL" hope that will keep the cancer from spreading. Or so you are led to believe. Of course there is radiation but many times radiation is over used and not enough clarity is given before you begin treatment . How it will burn your skin leaving blisters as though you sat out far too long in the burning sun. Of course we are told repeatedly to avoid the sun because it can cause Cancer well so can being over radiated. One of my dearest friends is proof positive having developed a Secondary Cancer on her Clavical a direct cause from over radiation. I decided to pass on that one!

You do what you are told for these months of treatments. You are told you will be fine, you expect to bounce back almost immediately. Ok you lose your hair, but no one mentioned your fingernails coming off or the other side effects like Neuropathy that may become a permanent condition of Nerve damage from Chemo.. You will pick everything up from the point you stopped. It doesn't quite work that way. In fact you are lucky if you are able to do a small amount of what you used to do...You are not told of the amount of fatigue you experience.The ups and downs....

We are told if we are Estrogen positive there are "Wonder" drugs that will help in the prevention of a recurrence. We take them . Then it starts, the side effects kick in. You are going to be Superwoman, you can take a little pain but the little pain turns into a bigger pain until it becomes so debilitating you can barely stand. Climbing out of bed putting pressure on your ankles, trying to stand up and walk expends so much energy because all you can feel at that moment is intense pain shooting through your bones... You tell your Oncologist he looks at you as though you are the only one having issues.that it is uncommon, you almost believe him .. You try a second drug a third. One has different side effects that affects you differently from the others. You try another one it is in the same family as the first, you are told in advance you may have the same side effects. OK so why prescribe it? Essentially all these drugs and treatments are to buy you more time. Once you have gone through treatments you come to the realization there is no cure for Cancer. It is still there dormant somewhere in your body..

Your thoughts turn to a different place. One that you would not even consider had you not had cancer. It's a question a cancer patient will ask himself over and over again. We don't dare tell our loved ones - at least not yet. Is it the Quantity of your life that counts Or is it the Quality?

When you know your options are limited. Your bones and joints are so painful. The base of your spine feels like someone dropped kicked you. Your knees ache so badly you feel like a ninety year old.You even wonder in some circumstances if death would be kinder option than going through endless days of hurting.

Of course we want to live!!! This is such a complicated situation.. However if the quality of your life is reduced to living in constant pain, do you continue with the drug therapy or do you stop consider the QUALITY of your life? Enjoy being pain free for what ever time?

Right now it is still merely speculative that without these drugs we are leaving ourselves wide open to something worse. This is only because we are told this by our Oncologist. They themselves don't know. I have asked my Oncologist several times each visit can you guarantee that I will not get a secondary cancer by taking these drugs?? Response:: "There are no guarantees"! Then why are you scaring women to death?? We are terrified if we don't take them fearing that ugly "C" word!

I have been doing a considerable amount of reading various reputable web sites where women have stopped taking Arimidex, Femara, Tamoxifen, several have surpassed living past the time key they were given.They are living a life without pain..

Could it be with a change in diet, habit include peaceful thinking, low impact exercising meditation could be an answer for some of us?

Of course you will have those opposed simply on religious grounds that it is not our choice to make. They will oppose you every step of the way. Quantifying your life, only GOD has the right to decide how long we live. What if you are an Atheist?

Before being diagnosed, before all your treatments, this question would never even come up in a conversation or in your own thoughts.....

Cancer patients are always going through insurmountable guilt. You feel guilty for becoming ill. You feel guilty because you can not maintain the way you were before Cancer picked you as a home. You feel guilty because you feel that you failed the expectations of others, you should be positive, positivity will give you a new lease on life. As long as you keep smiling......You feel guilty because sometimes that's impossible....

We are facing the biggest dilemma of our lives .It will directly impact everyone within our close circle of family and friends. Is it selfish to stop taking something that causes a body so much discomfort? Is it wrong to want to enjoy our lives relatively pain free even though we know our time may be limited?
Enjoy a quality of life you may not have otherwise?

Someone went so far in saying stopping your meds is a form of self-induced Euthanasia..Again we do not have scientific proof or otherwise taking them or not will make any difference No Guarantees remember!!

It is so difficult to try and come to terms with. Along with being complicated. You have the tendency to flip flop back and forth..
In as much as we might not want to admit it, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thought about this.

Funny thing is, there are hundreds of us if not thousands on these drugs who are suffering from severe pain.

I can't understand how Oncologists can be so ignorant en mass....dismissing their patients nearly accusing them of be hyperchondriac yet have no qualms prescribing narcotics to suppress the very pain many claim is non existent.

Again I am going to harp on the millions of dollars that are collected through Fundraising . Why are some of these funds not directed towards finding a way to alleviate the side effects?

Or are we as women that expendable?

Things have changed!

2011-06-30T01:08:00.001-04:00

Graduation speeches are over, rental gowns returned. Prom tonight..... Getting ready with two young men in the house with one bathroom is an exercise in endurance, patience, and you have to have a sense of humour.

Both are fine looking young men each with their own ideas. My son wants to take a year off school, work and he says he wants to Skateboard across California. Nate is determined to have the body of a body builder. OK yes he was a little skinny, he has filled out quite a bit in the past few months. He seems a little happier but I do believe there is that hole that can't be filled being abandoned by his mother. These are the events the once in a lifetime occurrences that she should be there. All we know she has moved out of the city no one knows where. No matter I get to enjoy what she obviously didn't want. What a joy it is to see your kids get that diploma. They have that sense of accomplishment they did something!!

Today was Prom Night! Both decked out in their suits.. Boy have times ever changed!! I asked are you getting a corsage, the look was uh no......OhhhhhhK Oh BTW mom can you do something for me please for tomorrow? He proceeds to show me this picture of Kanye West, Kanye was wearing a heart that had what looked like heart monitor lines running on it. My question was so when do you need them by? Well mom they have to be done by 2:00pm.... And I know it sounds like a silly question but how many do you need? Oh well funny you should ask. (trust me it was not funny) I need 8 well you can make 10. Thanks mom here are the colours I need. Oh yeah can you make it look as close to Kanye's as possible?? Now I don't have any bits and pieces of fabric in my house. In fact I have nothing! So off I went to the fabric store bright and early. Told the lady I needed help I explained what I needed she laughed and asked Wouldn't flowers be easier? easier? who needs easy when you volunteer "MOM" Anyway grabbed the fabric ironed on the interfacing to give it a bit of stiffness. Started putting them together at 10:30am finished them exactly 1:45 pm.. Of course I was glancing at Bold & Beautiful at the same time..Finished all in colours of girls dresses and boys suits and ties. I looked, shook my head he was happy, I was relieved...

It makes you reflect when they were younger, making those Halloween Costumes, stitching together a cape like Batman or making a Ninja Turtle pair of shorts that he wore till they fell off from wear and tear..I know these days of stitching sewing putting together things are going to be short lived. Girlfriends will come into the picture, they will volunteer, eventually who knows maybe even a wife... *SIGH*
The photo below of Kanye West wearing his heart are the replicas of the the hearts I made for Prom, the girls wore the heart which I made a little smaller to fit their wrists., yes they had a Wrist heart - not corsage lol. At least they were unique and will remember it as so........

Please use my Port

2011-06-27T23:44:00.004-04:00

This morning early I went had blood work done. I needed to have it done before my CTScan & Ultra sound this week.. I don't know why it is but when I tell them I have a port-a-cath. in my chest (they the technicians) seem to get flustered and want to draw blood the other way. I have come to the point that I insist they use the Cath. It is easier on me, they are not fighting looking for a decent vein. There was a time I didn't say a word but no longer!! I usually end up leaving like a back alley junkie with my arms black&blue from bruising. I bring my own needle, I have Emula cream, carry extra gloves in my bag so there should be no problems.I have it flushed monthly no biggie...... A little Heprin and Saline voila all done! Yet every time I encounter someone who is resistant insisting they can get a vein no problem. After three attempts I tell them it's enough now we do it my way!! I have basically concluded they just don't know how to use it..Even when I was on the Oncology floor a few nurses were reluctant in using it. Now I had one nurse. Lord I loved her. She was very much Old School. she still wore the total nurses uniform from the white cap to her shoes and stockings. She would come in my room when I needed an IV hooked up. Lay back she'd say within a minute I was hooked up and dripping lol She never missed a beat!I believe she was in her early seventies, Old School but she was proficient, always had the best smile on for her patients,..most of all she knew exactly what she was doing.

My side is somewhat uncomfortable, I feel bloated. lets see what this Ultra Sound and scan will tell.
I am on my way to bed. I feel so tired today. Plus I am watching a movie. INVICTUS. The Rugby game between South Africa and the Blacks of New Zealand. Great movie!! When they battled for the Rugby World Cup! I have watched this movie so many times but it is on my list of favourites....
So now I'm off to bed,,,, Later everyone.

Love Alli....xxx

Here's the deal........

2011-06-25T13:02:00.000-04:00

Apparently I have an enlarged Spleen.... Why is my Spleen enlarged? Who knows. I don't drink alcohol I don't have any of the other illnesses that might attribute any reasons. My Oncologist is not sure , he has ordered some tests, my Gyno guy has also ordered some tests as in ultra sound . Seems he forgot when he was telling me surgery was not necessary under any circumstances that I do have some endometriosis and it looks like he may have to re-think no way do you need surgery... well let me get back to you on that!!

So it seems we have exhausted all the choices of drugs out there to use to stop any hormones - estrogen to be exact.We have officially run out of options.. What to do next? wait for a clinical trial hope that in the interim, keep my fingers, toes and whatever else crossed? So we did ARIMIDEX, TAMOXIFEN, FEMARA, Taking Femara and Arimidex are like taking the same thing...The bone and joint pain are unbearable. Looks as though he has had other complaints, he mentioned several of his patients are having very difficult times with joint pains. Big Surprise! At least I'm not the only patient that can't tolerate it. A couple have also opted out of taking it.

Like my Onc said today.... you never know you may just be in a class of some patients that might never need to be under the umbrella of these drugs...To me it seems more of a DAMNED IF YOU DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DON"T
They scare the living day lights out of you then give you half way reassurances that you may be Okay without these drugs too.

Here we are nearly at the end of June, the weather has been crappy to say the very least. Cloudy rain, wind gusts...more rain.....There seems to be a pattern developing...Lets hope July will be better.. In fact I am counting on it........

Right Side...One Year!

2011-06-24T01:42:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of losing my second breast.....i can hardly imagine an entire year has already passed. At least this time I knew what to expect. of course I did develop a slight infection which kept me in hospital longer than I had anticipated.
i really tend to think that once you have gone through chemo and other treatments it takes so much longer for the healing process to kick in.. After a couple of weeks I developed a terrible infection in my incision area.I recall feeling a terrible pressure building up in my chest wall.My surgeon had gone on holidays so I had this other lovely surgeon that looked at it and said OH SHIT!! She had me meet her at the hospital during her lunch, she and I both thought 10 minutes and I'm outta here. An hour later plus she had to open six inches of my incision. it was completely filled with the most disgusting purlent mess I ever saw. I have a pretty strong stomach but even this was too much. Bloody pus and fluid just kept draining non stop...she thought I was going to have to go under the knife again and just have the wound cleaned out. Finally it stopped. We had to make arrangements for my Oncology nurse to come daily to drain and dress the wound. Plus it had to be packed. The incision was left open. It had take nearly three months before it closed up on it's own/ looking at my scar you would never know it healed beautifully.
You often wonder when you have surgery how the next few months will play out. Will there be improvement? Will this finally be over let the nightmare finally end and we carry on.
during the past 12 months we have lost a few blogging sisters. You miss them ..there are days when you feel out of control. i have had a few of those plus the melt downs that go hand in hand... I was talking with my friend Della yesterday and three o'clock in the morning was when my cancer demons seemed to come out. I would wake up feel afraid not know what the night might bring. The fear of the unknown seems to haunt you. You wonder or at least the thought crosses your mind. How long do you really have? a question where there is no fixed answer. for the last two years I have had this vision in my head my left breast being amputated from my body just laying there... People walk around no one bothers to check. I keep trying to make someone aware but no one hears me..these lumps are there my breast is there it's kept till it's finally discovered and my breast is a decomposed mess..it rotted for three days straight...No one can explain how this happend....One of these OOOOpppsss moments that no one was supposed to know about..least of all me. Thank Goodness for an honest Surgeon...
I think about my mother quite a bit these days...I can see her face. When she smiled her face lit up the room. My mom was a fantastic cook but when she would get an idea or if she had an abundance of something there wasn't a recipe that was safe.It could have been anything from Wild Blueberries to Wild walnuts...every thing and anything would have blueberries or walnuts incorporated into the recipe no matter how strangely it tasted.
So here I am at the one year mark. If I hadn't had that teeny cancer cell in this breast I still would have requested to have it removed. Apart from being lopsided, you develop a certain gait..you try and cover up the hole in your chest or hide the boob....

Perhaps these 3am demons will start becoming less...I mean I could really use a full nights sleep!!

Relax & Take a deep breath........

2011-06-23T01:53:00.001-04:00

I am finally entering into the electronic era. I bought a cell phone a few weeks ago and I even put myself on a plan.....Now my son was bugging me for nearly two years to put him on a plan with texting and phone calling. The answer was always a resounding NO.. Not going to do it. I have seen many parents pulling out there hair when the account went beyond and over.

Ok I admit I suck at texting... In fact I suck at cell phones period. I deleted my contact 2xs already. Sent a text to someone other than for who it was intended. Thank goodness he had a sense of humour so not all was lost !! I'll get the hang of it one day.....Yesterday I was shopping at Wal Mart. My son needed new bed sheets of course not just any bed sheets but specific colours. He wanted red sheets and black pillow cases.. Found red sheets, no black pillow cases.... Texted him** Adam rd shts no blk pl cses**.....He sent a message back.Mom please learn how to text.....better yet don't text call........LOL

Ok I love toddlers, they are the funniest most honest little people. They can switch your mood automatically. I was walking down the driveway when this little peanut of a girl came running out said... "HI" in this teeny voice..She then asked if she could see my "big brother" I told her he didn't live with us but she was very persistent.....I realized just then she meant Adam my son..I told her he wasn't home, she looked very disappointed then asked can I come see? Again told her he wasn't home., she then said I wanted to tell him something. Both her mother and I looked asked what she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell Adam that her mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.... She wanted him to see her baby...Well they still have a few months to go. The baby is due in October. It seems my son has a way with the little girls. They seem to like him. When he sees her he always says "Hello" to her!

I stopped taking Femara for a week. I needed a break from the joint pain I was dealing with again. I really have a difficult time understanding why these Pharma companies who ARE aware of side effects are not trying to find some way to alleviate the discomfort. It has almost come to the point you can recognize someone taking the drug just by the way they shuffle their feet all you have to do is look at the pain etched on their faces. Welcome to Cancer! or rather the drug that is suppose to suppress the damn estrogen to Prevent Cancer.........

So I had a message from the Oncologist. that it was very important I come to see him today. I hate cryptic messages that don't tell you anything but leave you feeling nauseous, you just want to throw up because a demand is a pretty good source something is going on I guess I will see when I get there. It's in conjunction with my Gynacologist.. I saw him the other day he was nothing but positive, great told me point blank no surgery....then he calls speaks with Adam telling me it's important I call his office back..Geez I mean seriously... And now look both he and the Oncologist are clammering to see me.... So I called back. One of the tests he had done he went on to say needs further investigating...I'm sitting at home at the table saying a few very expletive words. What now?? Do you ever have that sensation of shivering so much, but you are not cold like your entire body shakes?

Right now I am going to go to bed, try and get some sleep be up bright and early hope my day will be positive......

Mourning My Bras

2011-06-14T03:57:00.003-04:00

Today I had to stop at the mall after my Dr.'s appt. I ended up going to Zellers. I walked up and down the aisles, not looking for anything Somehow I ended up in the aisle with all the cute bras hanging. I had a whole drawer full of different kinds. Strapless, I had beige ones, blue ones lacey red one. A pink one Victoria Secret but my favourite bra was this fabulous white sexy lace push up bra. dam it made my ladies look great.....I wore it at whatever opportunity presented it. With certain sweaters or dresses that you wanted that little extra look...
Strange, over the last couple of years since I had my breasts removed, I never really missed them. Before I had the second one removed nearly a year ago, I felt so lopsided. You kind of walk around with your arm covering the missing breast because it's a little difficult to look balanced. Really your balance is off
The option of reconstruction was given to me, I declined. I just couldn't see myself going through all that, the amount of surgery going through the pain. It just wasn't something I wanted to do. I have heard of horror stories the women who do go through reconstruction endure. My tolerance to pain has just about wore out it's welcome mat. With constant joint pain boob pain was not in the cards.
I stood there looking at all the bras, feeling the fabric, looking at the fine lace the thin straps. For the very first time. I actually missed not having any breasts. I can't even explain it because I never felt this way before. I felt I guess the best word to describe was melancholy.... I can't remember what it feels like having breasts. My bras are still in my top drawer all neatly folded, some wrapped in tissue paper.
I don't know why I didn't put them away. Maybe you can equate putting your bras the same way when you have to pack up a loved one's clothes that have passed on. I came home, felt quite sad . I laid on my bed and cried a little bit. I have not cried once over losing my breasts. Maybe today for some reason unknown to me was the day I finally mourned my loss.... It really is a big loss...Even if it does take nearly two years to come to realize it.....

R.I.P. Laura Ziskin

2011-06-13T19:50:00.001-04:00

LOS ANGELES — Laura Ziskin, who produced the "Spider-Man" movie franchise among many other hits in a 35-year Hollywood career, has died. She was 61. Ziskin, who fought a seven-year battle against breast cancer, died Sunday evening at her Santa Monica home, according to a statement from the Entertainment Industry Foundation.
Over a 35-year career, Ziskin was producer or executive producer of such crowd-pleasers as "No Way Out" with Kevin Costner, "Pretty Woman" with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, and "As Good As It Gets," which won Academy Awards for Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt.
She produced the three "Spider-Man" features and at the time of her death was working on a fourth, "The Amazing Spider-Man."
In the 1990s, Ziskin was president for five years of Fox 2000 Pictures, a subsidiary of 20th Century Fox that released more serious or quirky fare, including "Fight Club" and Terrence Malick's "The Thin Red Line," which was nominated for seven Academy Awards.
She also produced the Academy Awards telecasts in 2002 and 2007. She was the first woman to be solo producer of the show.
Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004, Ziskin joined with other women in the entertainment industry and the media to form Stand Up to Cancer, a nonprofit organization that has raised some $200 million to fight the disease.
Born in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles, Ziskin studied filmmaking at the University of Southern California, wrote for game shows after graduating in 1973 and got her start in features as personal assistant to producer Jon Peters.
She is survived by her husband, screenwriter Alvin Sargent, and her daughter, Julia Barry.
www.ctv.ca

Breast Cancer has certainly taken a woman of inspiration. This weekend I was watching what I call "BOY"
movies. I was watching Spiderman. through the weekend, I have seen the Thin Red Line excellent movie. The strange weird Fight Club funny enough it's dark moody and I thought Brad Pitt was very good...As Good As It Gets another favourite of mine......
And a woman produced these not that it should be surprising because we women are more than capable..

When I read about Laura Ziskin, being diagnosed at Stage 3 Breast Cancer I was taken aback. I was diagnosed with Stage 3. As awful as it sounds the first thing I did was check how many years since diagnosis. It was like a sigh of relief. That if she could live 7 years so could I What a dumb thing to be thinking about. It's one of these things that you can't help but wonder.

MAY SHE REST IN ETERNAL PEACE

Really Stupid Pink Things

2011-06-12T23:40:00.001-04:00

My quest searching out "Really Stupid Pink Things" began when on Facebook I saw a Pink trash can. I looked at this called my son in to have a look at the bin since garbage detail is his. He looked at me thought I was going to buy it, his comment was it would be embarrassing to wheel out a pink garbage can... No it's definitely not on my to buy list...

The next idiotic thing was a car..... Ok I know some people like to have a logo or some decal but this is really taking things to a whole new level of being "Out there"! Oh I love the car, but keep the stupid Pink Logo off.......

How about a PINK Toaster, or Camera, do these companies really believe the pittance they donate is really really going to put a dent in the numbers of women and men who are fighting Breast Cancer? Many of these companies are affiliated with the KOMEN Foundation. So I have to ask if they are working in conjunction together ...WHERE HAS ALL THE MONEY GONE?? They are working with International Agencies all over the globe. God you would think if all these billions are coming in Breast Cancer would be nearly eradicated, we wouldn't be dying of this wretched disease.....But the rumour is the KOMEN Foundation is in financial trouble. How is that even possible??

There is nothing worse than sanctimonious Hypocrisy, When you have a the KOMEN Foundation signing on with a cosmetic company know for using toxic chemicals in their products then to flog the perfume to unwitting people paying $60.00 a bottle. $1.50 will be donated after each sale of a bottle of Perfume...

We worked closely with top perfumers to infuse the essence of the Susan G. Komen message into a fragrance that really gives back and brings hope to those suffering from breast cancer,…” This came from the President of the evocatively named TPR Holdings about the new fragrance PROMISE ME that they are making in cahoots with the House of Komen. The new perfume will retail for about 60$ and comes with a copy of Nancy Brinkers new book about the founding of Komen For The Cure. In a way, this perfume might provide a valuable service – wouldn’t we all like to know what hope smells like?

Are you kidding me??? Wouldn't we all like to know what HOPE SMELLS LIKE???Since when did hope have a smell. I think anyone who has gone through Chemo will tell you that you become sensitive to many odours and smells. Perfume is something that most can't tolerate. To this day I can't stand the smell of many citrus cleaning products.
If a Breast Cancer patients wears this stuff does that automatically up the hope anty? There will be more power in the smell and we have a better chance?? I can't believe that people can actually fall for this stuff.

They tell you to avoid alcohol but guess who is a sponsor for a certain brand of Vodka...

Do you think I should take up drinking Vodka at this stage because I and the thousands of others battling this disease will have a better chance?

Or what about candies dolls, Barbies, M7M's

The BC GI Joe was a joke to show the absurdity of branding everything for Breast Cancer.
Donate because research is needed but be very cautious to who your hard earned dollars go towards.
The idea of these foundations in the early stages were genuine they have since gone to the corporate branding of products all under the guises of Breast Cancer...... SHAME ON THEM !!
Too bad for all the women dealing with Stage IV Breast Cancer when there are so few options available. Put the money to use!!
Komen foundation and the corporate supporters will not receive One Dollar from my pocket.
I will not buy into the stupid Pink Thing Frenzy that has become out of control. Breast Cancer is not about selling. We are trying to survive, we don't want to be another statistic .. Breast Cancer has been glorified as though it's a small cosmetic issue. Your life is never the same again. I have said it before it's like getting on a non stop roller coaster.... You do not have the normal you left behind at diagnosis......
It's that exclusive life time membership club that no woman/man wants to join....

Breast Cancer Party?

2011-06-11T02:41:00.000-04:00

Today in the mail I received a pamphlet from the drug company that makes ARIMIDEX... On the envelope it says HARMONY automatically my son thought I signed on for a dating service... hahahaha that made me laugh.

I opened the envelope and he it was in Big Bold letters. Celebrating Reflecting On Your Breast Cancer Experience

The whole thing was about celebrating your Breast Cancer...... There are how to's on how to throw a
Pink Party.... make Pink Punch find Pink table cloths to cover your tables Pink flowers Pink food oh God it's nauseating!!

I don't know maybe it's just me but I really am not in a mood to throw a Pink party and show how much the Breast Cancer experience has meant to me.
Paying tribute to Breast Cancer just doesn't seem to fulfill my present needs. Definitely not enough to throw a damn party over. Especially when we are lied to be these bloody organizations collecting money for research that really is a drop in the bucket. Or all the women still suffering from a Secondary Cancer where monies are not going to extend their lives. How about my dear friend Cheryl in Australlia who frequently calls me and we gab like we are across the street not a couple of oceans away. Who has this horrible Fungulated Tumor on her Clavical from Radiation treatments. Oh I am so glad I did not do radiation..
These companies are so blatantly patronising to women. OK I do know there are some that do follow the Pink Credo but I'm not one of them, I never will be and Hello No I'm not appreciating I have to deal with Breast Cancer lose friends and live in a sort of bubble when you live with uncertainty with what Breast Cancer is capable of...Plus that this ARIMIDEX is torturous for some women. Instead of of promoting parties How about this company do a little more research and find a way to by pass the horrendous side effects this drug causes.The thing is the very drug that is supposed to ward off metastatis gives you symptoms of metastatis with the severe joint pain that leaves you wondering do I have another cancer?

Choices = Consequences...

2011-06-05T22:16:00.001-04:00

When we deal with choices there is always a consequence at the end of it...Interesting, because I was having a discussion with someone the other day about choices. (Actually it was a taxi driver) It's funny but when you have a life threatening illness people will ask you or make the statement on what my thoughts and feelings are on Euthanasia. As though this is something forefront in my mind.. Now that is a BIG choice one has to make and give considerable thought to before acting. Dr Kervokian died a few days ago, not self inflicted like he always said he would but naturally while sleeping. Lucky him!! I told them if and when the time comes for me I already have a DNR on my files. Bottom line I don't think one ever has a pat-definite answer to respond to this particular question . I too have serious choices to make. I have been on three different drugs each with adverse side effects. There is nothing left for me to try leaving me wide open in possibly dealing with a high risk possibility of recurrence of a secondary cancer. WOW!!

That's a big thing and I have to make a choice. Do I stay on the last drug that causes me such intense pain in my bones and joints or do I risk and take a Leap of Faith? Hope for the best pray the worst does not occur. ? Stop taking everything..

Drugs are not always the answer if the CONSEQUENCES of the CHOICE causes a body distress. I have children at home OK they are teenagers none the less still need a mother no matter how independent they "Think" they are. I am looking at other CHOICES... Alternative choices, One person my guy pal still insists I have an IV Of Ginseng infused. For two weeks, whatever ails me will be gone. Hmm if only it were so simple......

My mood for weeks has been less than inspiring in fact my boys told me so the other day .I have put off friends because of my choices which had consequences. Hurt someones feelings. But I am sick and tired of pretending I'm happy all the time. Why can't I just feel miserable?? Is it written someplace that a Cancer patient has to keep smiling being happy or else?? If there is show me where!!

When we pray we make the choice to ask for things at times that might not be attainable. I did that, I admit it I hope God will understand where I'm coming from and not unleash a Thunderstorm (I'm afraid of thunderstorms) lol as yet I have not learned the consequences. Or do I know it's not reachable.
Choices should be a hyphenated word ending with a question mark.. Choices-Consequences=? By the way if anyone has suggestions to diets, foods to eat, I have been meditating and this has helped me a great deal in pain relief without using those horrid pain medications.

Life is a Beautiful thing, but don't you just wish sometimes the CHOICES we make didn't always have those dreadful CONSEQUENCES?

There have been many blogs I have not read in quite some time. I have finally been catching up.. Again some very sad news from one of our Blogging Sisters. I read the Blog, "Shades of Blue" The author was suffering with Ovarian Cancer Her name was Pateea she died on the 24th of April. May she Rest in Eternal Peace and the Angels give her family Comfort. ..

Ankle Pain...

2011-06-04T02:17:00.001-04:00

Today was not a good day. Today my pain peaked to a whole other level. I don't ever remember having such horrendous pain in my joints.My left ankle in particular. I just had the support cast on prior to going on Femara. I had an early Dr.s appointment. Last night I checked because my neck hurt, I found a lymph node on my clavical the size of a small egg. It's painful I had some blood work done, there may be an underlying infection..He gave me an antibiotic just to rule things out. I don't like taking things when not needed but our immune systems tend to be a little supressed.
On Saturday if it is warm I plan to take out my lounge chair, lounge around the backyard in the warm sun take the weight off my foot hope the warm sunshine will promote some natural healing in my ankle.

My boys are both gone for the weekend. Nathan has gone to Toronto with his friends family. My son Adam is staying at his buddies house. They are both great kids but I do love my solitude....Once again the movie "Titanic" is one. It reminds me of a neighbour I used to have. His wife died rather suddenly. He played the song by Celine Dion - "My life will go on" Continually for a week straight with no break VERY VERY LOUDLY with the windows open...... A week after his mourning He moved in another woman in . No more Celine either.( Thank goodness) That was the most bizzare mourning period I ever witnessed ....I have the feeling that she was already his side piece, how opportune the wife died suddenly.....It was good for some neighbourhood gossip

Back to my movie.........

I changed my mind today.......

2011-06-03T01:19:00.001-04:00

In a couple of weeks it will mark year one of having my second breast removed. The other day after my shower I sat here looked at both my scars . As though I was comparing boo boos.... My right side has healed perfectly.... The scar can hardly be seen in places then in other places especially the area that refused to heal is still pinkish...but looks good. My left side still has Lymphodema, it's a little more painful when I extend my arm. But it's not bad. You know even being flat chested is not terrible.

I had a Dr.s appointment for today. I called and cancelled. I was just not in the mood to be discussing taking out more body parts. That would be three summers three major surgeries. Before I decide anything I am going to do more research.

I have finally received an apology from the Hospital for the botched Pathology. They take total blame, she reassured me that because of the neglect they have changed many things and found a new routine to collect and store specimens. To those who may not have read in the early postings. When I had my first Breast removed, They were to put my breast in a solution to preserve the tissue until the testing could be done to see the extent and grading of my cancer. Well who ever was in charge, put my amputated breast in a metal container but did not put the preservative in the container. Along with that they left my Breast out in the open for three days.It was there from Friday to the following Monday.. Decomposition began and the majority of my breast was no longer viable.
They were able to determine on the tail section of the Lymph Node the tumor was 6.4 cms large about 2 inches. Plus another smaller 4.5 cm tumor. That was malignant. However there were three others that were unreadable, they could not determine the grade or stage, however the pathologist asserted they too were malignant. It's been a nightmare. You have these visions of your breast rotting in a metal container I'm sure the smell was quite ripe too..... That kind of incompetence in a hospital during Breast Cancer surgery is unacceptable. There had to be accountability. Plus compensation I tried for months to contact Risk Management, no one called me back Only until I mentioned I was going to the Press did I get the attention I was seeking. She was great spoke to all the correct people, kept me apprised of the investigation from start to finish. It's ridiculous.....I know my Oncologist telling me they were going to give me the full dose of Chemo!!

The Femara is no different than that bloody ARIMIDEX.... My joints just ache and cry for mercy.... I was feeling so much better too. I am not doing the heavy pain killers they wreaked havoc with my stomach last time. I am trying to stick with Meditation and other Tylenols or Ibuprofen. It takes the edge off at least...My Neuropathy in my hand is exacerbated with Femara. My fingers and joints ache. I wrote to my Member of Parliament that Lymphodema Therapy should be included in our Health Care Coverage since this is a very important part in our physical recovery. I am going to be starting a letter campaign because this is not a frivolous expense. To have it done here and there is one therapist she charges $95.00 per session. I am a single mom, I need 12 sessions I can't afford that unless I don't pay rent risk getting evicted....No Thanks.....

Well time to get some sleep....... Beth Welcome and thanks for reading my blog... I look forward in reading yours more.

Alli x

Do I really want to take this stuff?

2011-05-26T04:54:00.000-04:00

Today is day five taking the FEMARA. I have dry mouth, very sleepy, that part is toleable. The joint pain has hit full force today. I'm trying not to take any strong meds for pain I will work on the pain level with some meditation, try and work my way through. One thing I have noted is that I have restless-leg syndrom quite badly. It starts at around 10:00pm and just continues on. My left hand is also out of sync with the Neuropathy. Sounds like one complaint after another....

I am honestly not sure how long I can last with the side effects kicking in already. My ONC. is trying me for one month to see if I can tolerate the drug. Oh of course he gave me the run down on the risks not taking anything .That's well and good but if you can't tolerate the drug and if side effects are to severe what am I supposed to do.? Millions of dollars for races and pink junk but they haven't come up with alternatives. Seriously research money where is that magic pot at the end of the rainbow???

Who would think a little yellow pill, could create so much havoc...........

The world didn't end after all......

2011-05-22T00:23:00.001-04:00

If you are reading this, looks like the end of the world just passed us by....I still did all the things I normally do on Saturdays.. I even found time to give myself a manicure.... I thought if I'm still here Sunday i would treat my self then.. The boys have gone out on the Saturday night whatever teens do. Last night they went to a face painting party just in case the end came at Midnight they would not get recognized, teenagers are funny people. lool....

This profit must be feeling pretty stupid by now... Hopefully people were not sending him money because that would make him a PROFITEERING PROFIT

Today was really the first day that you could open the windows wide enjoy the warm breeze coming through the house....I walked into the dining room all the windows are shut tight, there the boys are on the living room floor playing XBOX with the air conditioner blowing full force.....I just looked at them both asked if they sat on their brains turning on the AC?? They looked at me as if I had lost my mind!!. I switched it off opened the windows again all I heard was complaining how hot it and they needed to cool off. One stomped off to his room mumbling under his breath the other was a little bolder voicing his complaints. Wondering why we had an AC if we can't use it??

Noooooooo Wayyyyyyyyyyyy boys!! Apart from that the electricity rates have shot up this year and paying from Mid May is not in the budget! Though I did say if they were willing to pay the hydro bill they can run it as much as they like. My hydro bill increased more than $150.00 running it during our hot period last summer.

I was watching some of the final OPRAH shows this week. She had a young girl who lost her mother to Breast Cancer. The mother spent hours upon hours making tapes of recorded messages to her daughter as she was growing up so she would have her inn her memory always. The father remarried, he had 2 more children with his second wife. I remember watching this years ago. It was so emotional. gut wrenching episode.... I thought what an incredible gift this mother has given her child. Just curious if anyone has done the same thing? Have you given your child/ren something to remember you by?

Last night I was feeling pretty down. I called my sister (I should have known better) I just wanted a sounding board. I was having a bit of a melt down. .I just wanted someone in my family to hear me. Well she did respond by telling me to quit being a baby have a hysterectomy, remove your ovaries it's not like you need them or have a man in your life . OK reality check wake up... I just told her just once in your life if you could stop being such a B_____!

What do they call people that keep going back to the tainted well taking a drink then feeling sick?
I think I finally got the message loud and clear. She's about as empathetic as a spider about to have lunch.....stop going back.....These are the days I miss my brother...

Back to my movie..... Colour Purple is on..... Lucy is laying by my feet enjoying the quietness too.......

Tamoxifen & Ovarian Pain

2011-05-17T01:58:00.000-04:00

I am currently going into my fourth month of taking Tamoxifen. When I first started taking it I had issues with my vision. One of the side effects is issues with vision it can cause cataracts. That seems to have cleared up. Over the past couple of months what I have been experiencing is Ovarian pain. In fact this weekend it knocked me off my feet. The pain radiated down my right leg, hurt to touch and just feeling crappy in general. Heating pad a couple of Tylenol and sleep seemed to help. But to get up do anything , my hip my lower back along with my side just refused to co-operate. Automatically your mind goes into overload so you start imaging you have Uterine Cancer - no wait you have Ovarian Cancer the one that is the most difficult to diagnose. On second thought what if I have both? Your thoughts spin, you are over-thinking. I go back when I was in hospital when my white count dropped due to Taxotere. My Oncologist called in a Groinocologist (yes I said groin) lol. I had a couple of tests they put their heads together next thing I know I was going to be taken for surgery to have a Hysterectomy! WAIT!!! no one said anything to me about surgery. I had not been consulted, told or even asked for that matter. A little bleeding caused all this furor. I refused surgery...... They looked at me like I was a nut case. I had just had surgery I lost Breast number #1 I wasn't mentally prepared to have the rest of my insides removed. Odd as it sounds I could deal with my Breast Cancer Surgery. Somehow losing my Ovaries and the rest of the package was a harder issue for me. It felt like the end of the road. Two years later taking Tamoxifen I am experiencing Ovarian pain. I have an appointment with the Dr. Tuesday. I am still not going to agree with surgery unless it's the very last resort. Along with second third and fourth opinions if necessary.

Last week I was shopping, I ran into someone I worked with. We stood there in the middle of the store chatting when she blurted out . Oh I know she meant no offence so none taken but it was kind of funny. She asked. So what did it feel like having cancer , you are so lucky you don't have it any more. You don't do you? I wasn't in the mood to play 20 questions about my Breast Cancer. I just smiled tried to change the subject. Next statement, I really meant to call you......Then why didn't you I thought to myself. Actually it's really OK you didn't! It was one of the chance encounters. Standing there I knew she had numerous things to ask but I ended things there wished her a good day and I went off my own way...

I want to say hello to my new friend Della who lives in Kentucky!! She has been reading my blog sent me an email and we have developed a nice friendship.....Della next year I will find myself a big hat and we'll go to the Derby....I have been to one horse race I won a whole $12.00.......

Think Pink?................ I'll Pass !!

2011-05-15T04:31:00.001-04:00

Spring is generally the beginning of the " Pink Season " No I'm not referring to pink carnations or feeling in the " Pink " because of the great weather. I mean some of the absurdity of the Pink Campaigns for Breast Cancer! Cool!! Great!! Everyone wants to help but how exactly are women with Breast Cancer being helped by buying a Pink Toilet Plunger or Pink Toilet Paper .....I have 6 boxes of tissues with the Pink Breast Cancer logo someone gave me because they thought it would help..Help yes if I have a runny nose!

We are saturated at nauseum with promises of hope Just buy Pink, Think Breathe Eat Pink What a great Marketing ploy..Pink ribbons are the official trademarks that we are recognized with. Wear It Love It Be It!!

How many of these food products are even good for us to be eating? All the sugar and we know that cancer loves sugar. The artificial flavours, food colouring chemicals but they have changed their packaging to Pink to coincide with the hype.

Many times Breast Cancer patients are made to feel ungrateful. We are supposed to smile be warriors just be lucky that's all we have is just Breast Cancer..The preconceived notion that women with Breast Cancer get a Free "Get out of jail card" is simply not true! When we are diagnosed it's the most terrifying experience that a woman can go through. Breast Cancer is just as debilitating as any other Cancer , the side effects can last for years. Anyone dealing with Neuropathy understands the long term effects from Chemo. I have it in my left hand. There are days my hand is so painful, but you go around the pain because you have to use it. There are no options. wearing pink is not a pretty colour when you are in pain.
Someone said to me a while back. You are so lucky to be experiencing all the new things and products sold because of Breast Cancer. I could decorate my entire house in pink with all the kitchy junk that's flogged out there. No I won't wear a pink cap or a pink Tshirt or pink slippers, flip flops, socks. I refuse to help these companies take any money at the loss of my breasts or my having cancer. Seriously can you even compare having pink junk or your life back to what it was??
The amount of these donations are minimal Someone told me that it is around the 2% area.. not a lot if they are serious in helping to eradicate this disease. If they were serious they would donate at least 50% of the profit made then they would be credible.

Did you know you can buy cookie cutters with the Breast Cancer Logo??.........Who would you serve these cookies too ? Pack them in your children's or hubby's lunch?

The millions of dollars that are generated through these campaigns does anyone really know how various programs are being funded?

More attention needs to be paid to women with Stage IV or Metastatic Cancer . I was talking with a lady at a group I had attended , her feeling was that the women in this category were made to feel unimportant that they have now crossed that invisible line so why bother ? Women can develop Metastatic Cancer even if they were diagnosed prior with early stage breast cancer. We have to be more proactive with these campaigns and start bridging the gap allocate more dollars in this direction. Of course there needs to be money given to early detection education...Awareness I think that has been taken care of with the pink junk that is foisted upon us as soon as the warm weather arrives....

I think of the bloggers we have lost during the last year... Daria, RivKa , Renee and others from other breast cancer forums and communities. Maybe if more funds had been available who knows what strides could have been made... But it's all about the mighty $$$$$$$$$$ Cancer Campaigns have become the biggest legitimate money making schemes, I am not buying into the whole Pink rhetoric that somehow is supposed to validate us...

My favorite KFC (no I don't eat it I mean the bucket)

Happy Mother's Day - 2011

2011-05-08T13:39:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I blogged.
Mother's Day is upon us again......
I was thinking about my neighbour. She is very petite so cute and tiny. Her husband is very tall and large. In another time he must have been a football player... Looking at them the disparity in size is almost funny. Two children under 6.

I was coming home the other night when he stopped me. The look on his face said it all. His wife has recurring Breast Cancer. She had a Lumpectomy and radiation the first time 3 years ago.
Her husband was telling me she had found a lump in the other Breast. Called her Oncologist, he didn't take her seriously. He told her that most likely she was a little "paranoid" because of the previous lump.
She insisted, finally he relented just to keep her quiet They found a lump. Stage II Grade III. She had a double mastectomy. Began chemo two weeks ago..

When are some Doctors going to stop treating women as Babbling Hyperchondriacs...? Most women are in tune with their bodies, they are familiar with every lump and bump, what they can or can not mean, every crease and crevice every wrinkle every line yet we are made to believe that we are incompetent idiots.. Not by all so I am not going to be PC and make a statement to that affect.

This year we have all through our blogging community lost a a few friends who were also mothers.
For some families this is the start of "Firsts" First Mother's Day, First Birthdays First month./ These are the hard days. There is no one specific way of dealing with our loss. Just when we sort of maybe start to get used to things the calender throws another curve ball with another occassion. I remember when my mother died at least we had a few months to spare before there was anything significant coming up.
I know for some all you want to do is bury your head someplace away from news, noise or just sound..Let the day be over. The key is we will get past these days. We will be fine......

This afternoon I was listening to a few arias from La Boheme.. RivKa with a Capital "K" came to mind.. I thought about her children and I mostly thought of her husband. All the changes he has had to re-learn. I thought about my Step-dad he loved my mother so much....Also to someone I happen to be fond of.....

I have been hobbling around for the last week and a half with a cast on my ankle..No I didn't break it it's on for support. Ever since I was taking ARIMIDEX it's been weak along with painful. I have stayed off as much as possible but those who know me know I can't sit still..Yes I have over done it on days ended up with my foot elevated. I wanted to go out dig in my garden plan out my rose bushes, red ones yellow, this will be the first real year I will be gardening...

Ladies & men I would like to wish you all

A VERY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Finding Your Joy

2011-04-19T20:18:00.002-04:00

Some say the only way we can know "JOY" is by having experienced pain..

Your sorrow becomes unmasked by something you remember especially if your sorrow comes from losing a loved one..or a loss of great significance

You think thoughts from the past , instead of tears your tears slowly emerge in to a smile, from the smile it's no longer the pulsing grief but "JOY" you feel. You begin to laugh, an experience long time forgotten.

This is a positive conduit towards a healing path. To feel "JOY" it encapsulates a profound spiritual experience and awakening
It comes from an inner place of spontaneity, a moment of impulsiveness reminiscent when we were children, laughter and joy going hand in hand.....

It is not an instant process but takes time. You must learn to grieve your loss before you feel your "JOY"

I am coming from a place that I have experienced in the past couple of years.

Having had to contend with Breast Cancer, the treatments involved, coming to terms with a potentially life threatening illness along with living my new normal which for most is not normal. The fact that you can die is very real. I forgot what it was like to live. I am also a single mother. What would happen to my son?

My younger brother died of Alcoholism one week after my surgery, the guilt the remorse wondering what more could I have done for him. Was I an enabler?
I loved him but I have since learned it was not my disease but his.
We make choices in our lives.

Over the past couple of months I have found an inner peace. An experience I believed would not be my reality. I attribute this to finally being able to grieve for my losses and learn to laugh at myself!

Everyone always told me how "Very Brave I was" I would smile on the outside, inwardly my pain was palpable .

Over the past couple of months I have started to meditate. I compared myself to the character Julia Roberts portrayed in the movie , Eat, Pray, Love . While she was at the Ashram she was trying to find her balance. Meditation was also new to her. I was doing the same. It became comedic ritual trying to find a method to meditate I would sit cross legged, I would get a cramped muscle call my son to help me get up!....Ok not ready for that YOGA experience when I did not practice YOGA!

I sat quietly in my chair, eyes closed and I meditated . When I was finished it was the most exhilirating and calming experience I have felt in a very long time. It was like a sense of Euphoria......I loved this sensation! I exhaled I finally felt free......
I am on the road to transition....I am finding my "JOY"!

Are there Do Overs? I baked cup cakes instead...

2011-04-14T02:44:00.000-04:00

Do you ever regret doing something that at first you thought might be harmless and in the end you should have listened to that little voice in your head....? You make yourself feel awful awful awful.......but you can't undo something that was done.....or have a "do over" Don't I wish....Intellectually you know that it wasn't that terrible, but emotionally like your hanging on by the end of your fingernails...or crawl in a hole and stay there. Or wish for a hug and be told it's Ok ..

Today I baked cup cakes.. 4 dozen to be exact.... Lemon, chocolate, vanilla. I have company coming for dinner Saturday, I like to give my guests something home made to take with them.. with Easter being a week away I thought Cup Cakes - my spring cupcakes.... would be the perfect token. I made a couple extra dozen for my step-dad for his card playing buddies in the Senior Apts. he lives. I have to admit the Kitchen-Aid mixer I bought was the best investment. I call it my "Dream Machine" There are women who don't like receiving appliances or gadgets for birthdays or Christmas, give me a gadget or appliance any day I'm totally in my element!

It was a weepy day not that I had intended for it to become one I just felt tears, once they started they were hard pressed to stop. I try so hard not to think of my brother and I just can't help myself , I fall back to that week right after my surgery, I desperate in calling him trying to make arrangements to get him placed in rehab, found an opening but it was too late.....if he had just hung on but again logically he was to far gone to have ever recovered. I will get through the next week, I will pray about it, meditate, talk to a few friends...and cry

I finally have made it into this century......I bought a cell phone!! Nothing fancy just a regular cell phone with a pull out keyboard for texting.I have never texted in my life so I guess it's like learning an entire new language!
I am the most technically challenged person I know. I was trying to activate my phone on line but for some reason I kept locking it then exceeded my limit felt like throwing the phone out the window..... But I will take it in they can activate it for me......My boys were in hysterics laughing at me trying to explain what the "thingy" and button and where do you press to go back...I can change a tire, I can bake a cake, I know when to change the oil but put a remote or cell phone in front of me .....well I think you understand..... hahaha!

Spring Has Sprung!

2011-04-13T03:53:00.000-04:00

Second boy in less than a month who has had difficulty with Wisdom Teeth. for three days my son was tormented by an abscess in the back of his mouth. It was very painful. Medication helped at the time but soon wore off. I finally saw a specialist at the hospital and he agreed the tooth was badly impacted had to be removed! After nearly having to tie and 18 year old who is 6'4 down give him a couple shots the extraction went a head. Now this is a kid that never gets sick apart from minor sore throats
He said it was instant relief like a bubble popped.. Yet my back teeth grew in not ever a problem with any of them...

I'm so glad that spring has finally arrived. Everyday is a joy to see more trees budding . I looked at the corner of the backyard daffodils were blooming.The entire back fence area is so beautiful with spring flowers. Tulips there are so many of different shapes and colours.The first year I lived here I had planted well over 100 bulbs of tulips, hyacinth and other spring things. It's nice to have the energy to enjoy them finally....I brought my bike from out of storage, tried riding it for the first time in more than two years. I rode around the block and my butt hurt not sure if it got bigger or the seat needs getting used to or a little bit of a combination...
This coming weekend my family comes for dinner. We all seemed to have gone in various directions since my mother died and I noticed it more so now with my brother being gone nearly two years. Easter Sunday is the Anniversary of his passing....Sometimes you think that time will stop this terrible hurt inside my heart, but it just doesn't go away....I never really mourned him during the time I was on Chemo, I couldn't I had to keep focused on me. Now that treatment is over, he has been on my mind.
I have been baking up a storm in my kitchen.Homemade bread, Apple Plum Cake an old Polish recipe of my grandmothers. Later today my famous Cheesecake that everyone seems to love. And ask for when I have dinners. I miss getting together with friends and family for some occasion or none at all, just an excuse to put a dinner party together.

So many positive changes have taken place of the old uncertainties I tied myself with. It was a light bulb moment like a switch that suddenly worked. I am feeling like the me I left behind but I think this is the better, stronger one. I feel happy for a lot of reasons.......

Sunday April 3rd..........

2011-04-03T11:41:00.004-04:00

It's funny how time passes so quickly, before we realize another year has come and gone and we reach certain milestones in our life. I think I am feeling that today. I am at the two year point.... "You go girl. only three more to get to"
I suppose five years is a fairly neutral number greater that three but less than ten..... A safe number in between.

We, who have Breast Cancer patients are told if we take our little pills like good girls we are increasing our longevity. For some that may be the case. They suffer through the horrible joint and bone pain other side effects but there still are no promises. None made-none given.
An ex of mine called me last night, he is currently undergoing huge amounts of chemo for Colon Cancer. He's not doing very well. He had hoped by now his treatment would have come to an end. The Dr. told him the other day they want him to continue with Chemo every two weeks.....Indefinitely! Or till they see a change. A body can only take so much.. he sounded so weak, not the same man I remember who was spontaneous, fun loving....He has 3 young children now

I know one thing for sure, I am going to get past the five year point. I have things to do places to see and I'm not ready to leave this place just yet.

Saturday I stayed up watching the "World Cup for Cricket" Now anyone who really knows me , knows that I'm about as sports minded or do I know the difference between a paddle and a bat or do I know what a backward point is..... but I found the game to be interesting, looong, I was thinking 90 minutes max like a soccer match , the game went on for hours and I'm still trying to find out what bowling and cricket what is the commonality in there. No matter I had my friend Sanjay who lives in India on line with me, in between his laughing at a million questions I did get parts of the game explained I think! At least he tried so KUDOS Sanjay! It still was a lot of fun!

Seriously look at this information sheet........Can you wonder why I am confused?

BLOGGING ISSUES

2011-04-01T12:12:00.001-04:00

if you have any comments from my post below 2nd Anniversary please feel free use this section for any comments you might have.......

Seems the Blogger has had issues losing posts, comment area errors, pictures and posts disappearing. Looks like some Gremlins snuck in and created chaos.....

Silence is golden....

2011-03-19T02:49:00.001-04:00

It has been a good week....It's March break I have my house to myself, no excess of dishes glasses or games or worse yet running shoes that I was tripping over
My son called me tonight from BC, he is enjoying himself though he said it was a lttle rainy. I have a suspicion he missed "mom" a little because I never expected him to call. He seemed quite happy to speak with me.. The other one has been staying with his friend - and I'm not even going to pretend I love the solitude!

I believe the side effects of Arimidex have finally left my body. I still have a minor problem with my ankle. it feels weak but not nearly to the extent it was. The joint pain too is all but gone. I noticed that I am walking so much better.Such a relief..... My energy level is up I can do so much more than even two weeks ago.....i am even going to try riding my bike, a little at a time however I am determined this is the one thing I have really missed doing. I am in the process of learning some new relaxtion exercises, YOGA is my next thing on my "to do list"! I finally feel as if I am moving ahead instead of being stuck in that dark place I seemed to head for.

Have a great weekend everyone.......................

Positive Changes

2011-03-13T04:03:00.000-04:00

This week was about trying to remain sane when you are trying to prepare your son for his first trip flying to British Columbia...throw in a bunch of anxiety attacks at least a couple of times a day. Outbursts his reading statistics of the safety with this particular Air Bus. one thing after another. then looking for my luggage the big 28 inch expandable suitcase - nowhere to be found. I had to go buy a suitcase then there are the small incidentals that you have to pack but not being sure because of rules and regulations. I'm not sure how many restrictions were lifted. The ticket confirmation arrived so did another anxiety attack!
I was literally exhausted! Monday he leaves Nate goes to his friends I have the house to myself .I can watch my TV I can sit on my sofa.....and I don't have to listen to Kanye West a thousand times a day lol

Apart from my being tired from the running around I finally feel as though I am regaining some of my strength back. True I still have some joint pains mostly my left ankle and left knee but it's bearable not that excruciating pain that was so debilitating there were days I didn't want to get out of my bed.

Some things just seem to fall in their place. I am going to take some YOGA classes . I am trying to learn to relax more . I can't change things because I don't like the way things stand. I have to learn to quit being over demannding on myself. Sometimes they say you see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm happy with just a flicker right now. Neuropathy? Not so good but I will try and improve things in that area too.....
I'm looking forward to better days ahead.......

Something a little different

2011-03-08T19:08:00.003-05:00

In this blog today I am not going to talk about cancer, chemo side effects achy joints. I have something that is so incredibly beautiful if this doesn't put a smile on your face... Then you are a definite sour puss hahah

These photos were taken on the 29th of January this year at one of Indias most famous National Parks, Ranthambhore National Park were the majority of Tigers remain. There are only approximately 1, 444 remaining in their natural habitat . Once they are gone they will become extinct. These beautiful animals are still being hunted for body parts. China in particular is the biggest culprits These cats are poached then sold to the highest bidders Using the paws for medicines, the testicles for aphrodisiacs. How can anyone with a conscience kill these Tigers is beyond belief. They have to be preserved Consevation is the only way by letting others know their plight.. The baby tigers at the final photo were orphaned the mother was killed. They were found luckily and are now in an area were they will be cared for and re-released into the forests again. There are also two photos of Leopards .

Elephants bathing , these are a couple of my favorite photos
The photographer is a good friend of mine (man in the middle washing the elephants) with his permission he allowed me to post them here... Enjoy

Bathing Elephants

Tiger on the road

Happy Birthday " Ches "

2011-02-28T23:06:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow March 1, 2011 is my brothers birthday. This is the second birthday without him.
I keep waiting for that magical day when my heart will hurt a little less, my tears will subside and I will be able to think of you not how you died alone.. That memory haunts my soul.
. I try not to think of the should have dones. Just writing this makes me cry. I remember you promised you would be here for me. That you would look after Adam if something happend to me. We were so close as brother & sister. I will love you forever and then some... In the photo below he was sober for 5 months, he gained some weight he was looking well. Two months later he fell off the wagon and was never sober again... He had an illness he was an alcoholic....He died May 23, 2009

"Happy Birthday" My sweet brother! My brother & sister are twins. I used to take dancing lessons. Both my brother and sister are wearing our Hats for a tap dancing production we (my older brother and I) were in....This was my grandparents home. It was so large. We all loved living there as children after my parents separated. I remember my grandfather redid the attic put a swing on the beams, fixed the floors so we could ride our bikes. I taught my brother and sister how to ride their bikes in the attic. It was a huge centenary home with 4 functioning floors. A Butlers elevator were my brother and I were caught smoking cigars.hahaha we didn't know the smoke rose right into the kitchen. We were never punished by getting spanked. My grandparents didn't believe in hitting children at all. My grandmother made us get out the dusting rags and polish all the furniture then do all of the baseboards in the home. Like I said it was a huge home...of course you didn't fight while you were dusting... Those were happy memories in the house. My grandparents made certain that we had a well rounded childhood. We were not spoiled in the sense of things, but in affection and love ..We were super spoiled!! My grandfather my Uncle Joe brother & sister celebrated their birthday's March 1st.

Happy Birthday Dzidzia ( grandfather in Polish) and Uncle Joe Janice & Ches!!

Are we being accountable?

2011-02-26T02:09:00.001-05:00

It has come to the point that I hardly look at the newspaper any more. Everytime I seem to gravitate to the Obituaries more times lately than not see a familiar name from the Oncology Clinic. Wellspring called me this week earlier left a message that one of the participants had passed away in Hospice on the weekend. Damit 44 years old is so cruel when you have so much to look forward to only to end up on the other end of Cancer. I sit at home wonder many times when I get into my pensive mood trying to figure just what's gone wrong with the world. Of course there is the obvious. Children leading sedentary lifestyles Hands get a work out with the controllers for video games. A Dr friend of mine also told me the incidence of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has greatly increased and will do so.I remember winters we would be out playing for hours in the snow banks, building forts. Our gloves would be soaking through. My grandmother would find wollen socks that we'd wear just like mittens and continue playing more. Spring we played baseball at school and did you know that some Boards of Education in their wisdom have nixed ball playing because someone might get hit with a ball??!!
Children developing hypertension!! Who would have even given thought to this 20 years ago...? I'm not going to pull the "I used to walk 25 miles to school everyday" when in fact the school was across the street from our house in Galt Ontario. We pollute, people still smoke. residential areas are built on burial grounds of chemicals, poisons that were not properly disposed of.We throw left over meds down the drains it enters our water system and we are ballsy enough to question why little boys are growing breasts and girls going through puberty at much early ages begining their menstrual cycles sometimes at the age of 8. At eight I was outdoors rough housing with my brothers or playing with dolls. That would have been the last thing I would think of.Foods we eat are so filled with chemicals and preservatives overly processed. When I lived overseas when I bought a loaf of bread from the local market I know I was getting a loaf of bread not some air filled crust with no nutritional value. We can moan and cry, complain the government doesn't do enough in ways of research and cures I know I'm a complainer at times too. We have to start being more accountable on what goes on in our surroundings..Take the responsible route and make changes otherwise nothing will change only become progressively worse.

I don't know about you but frankly I am weary and my heart hurts every time we lose another mother father sister brother family, friend and even foe to Cancer.

Another Mother Gone

2011-02-23T19:43:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up and I felt good. I was going to start my day on a positive note. I even slept well. Made my tea had a piece of toast watched a bit of Maury and all his "Baby mama drama- who's the daddy"shows lol.
I sat down at my computer, opened my mail there was an email from my friend Daniel in Nairobi. We are good friends that chat once in awhile. I haven't been much of a chatty mood so I thought he was writing to admonish me again!. No, the email was to tell me that a mutual friend's mother died this morning. It felt like a hammer hit me dead square in the middle of my forehead!
I just received a note from Anne the other day. Anne's mother was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer that had spread to her bladder..a few short months ago. She was a teacher a mother of four children. Three daughters and a son .. She worked hard took care of her family. Her mom was to have Brachy radiation. They live on the outskirts of Nairobi in a place called Thikka. She should have been treated in Nairobi. When it came time, Anne found out that her mom would have to go to Uganda another country in order to be treated. The machine in Nairobi was broken and this was the only machine for the entire country..They had to travel over 220 miles by car reaching Kampala. Treatment was very hard, she had her first Chemo on August 7 and brachy she remained in hospital because going back and forth was impossible, complications, she needed blood transfusions. She was not eating, Anne was going on leave from her job to stay with her mum.Even though she was ill she still went back to work or tried.. A couple of weeks ago she developed a bacterial infection in her bladder she needed more blood transfusions.Her infection must have become worse and in her already immune supressed condition her body couldn't take the beating from the infection and treatment. The Drs. thought of surgical intervention to remove the tumours from her bladder, she was too weak. Surgery was out of the question for now.
Yesterday morning my friend Anne's mother died......It is heartbreaking that she left her children motherless. It is difficult here but in Africa it can be a far more complicated situation

Today we lost another mother to Cancer....God how I hate this disease that takes so many friends and family we love away from us....

May she find Eternal Joy and may she Rest in Peace!

Two Years Ago

2011-02-22T00:08:00.001-05:00

Two years ago today I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The scariest and most life changing day in my life. It's funny how a few short words can resonate, your brain too stunned to absorb the information. I now get why they say you should take someone to your appointment. Sure because you need someone to hold you up.I never knew two years could pass so soon....

Friends I pray that each of us come through our adversities. We have lost a few friends which creates a missing link along with a hole in our hearts....

I'm keeping this short today. I haven't figured out a way to celebrate two years having Cancer!

WHEN DOES IT BECOME TMI (TOO MUCH INFORMATION)

2011-02-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

Before I continue with the topic just an update. My son by default has been having issues with his wisdom teeth growing in. Went to the Orthodontist, yes they are badly impacted growing in crooked. Hmmm that means having them removed. He gave me an estimate. WOW!! So just by chance thinking there might be even the slightest shred of decency in his mother I contacted her asked if she could help a little being since the only contribution she has made to date was a case of water. I really should have known better but what the heck, she no longer had the responsibilty of caring for him maybe someplace there was a concscience. She went into a hysterical tirade, profanity left and write. The conversation was short.... In the evening she contacted her son. I could hear a lot of yelling and noticed he was crying. A few choice words were coming from his mouth to her ears. Once he calmed down I learned she wanted him to repay her for certain things she was obligated to do....He has been with me nearly two years. I have looked after all his needs. I am far from rich, but you do for one you do the same for both boys. I managed to get an appointment at our hospital for nextFriday......Some people should never be allowed to give birth!!!

Now to the original topic......

So a couple friends and I began to talk when the subject rolled around to SEX Essentially when you are far enough into the relationship and the next step is Intimacy! When is the right time that you should tell a potential whatever that you have had surgery and you no longer have breasts and No you did not consider reconstruction? Should you discuss it at the start of a relationship, that way you don't have a lot of feelings and emotions invested into the relationship. OR do you wait let him discover it on his own when he goes to cop a feel and low & behold there is nothing to feel? Obviously there is going to be some modification on where and how you are touched and it's just as important to leave the lines of communication wide open. You can still be sexy after a mastectomy. You are not forced to wearing old granny gowns and granny panties. I have Teddy's, camisoles some great T shirts in multi colours that I wear under a blouse or sweater. Many women are ashamed at the way their chest appears to others. I'm one of those who doesn't give a damn. Or will I ever offer any apologies with low self-esteem that I am not sexy!! You are as sexy as you feel!! I had Breast Cancer, my breasts are gone, they won't grow back..We need to understand and who knows maybe one day we will. Whether or not we have breasts, the size, how lovely they look Breasts do not define us as woman. They are only one small part!
I do have male friends that just can't imagine not having "BOOBS"! therefore our friendship didn't last. That's sad when you think that your body part was the glue that held your friendship together.
In all actuality I think it's best to be upfront right from the begining. I have talked to a few women who were crushed because some guy couldn't get past her chest decided that the "No Call" policy works for them....

I have dated, there is more curiosity one asked to see my scar. nahhhhhh didn't go that route!!

A CUP OF TEA & OTHER STUFF!!

2011-02-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I decided I was going to have a cup of tea. OK I boil my water the lazy way, put my BIG cup in the microwave for exactly 3:35 minutes. Water is boiled drop my tea bag Voilla .......Yeah Ok I don't make tea the traditional way. I'm Polish not British my Brit friends are appalled!!
When I was in Japan a couple of years ago I was invited to a traditional "Tea Ceremony" it was beautiful. Everything came down to timing meticulous from begining to end. I was totally mezmerised.
I have one cupboard in my kitchen totally devoted to tea. I have every kind of tea imagineable. I found various kinds of Ginger Tea with honey while I was doing Chemo. Ginger tea relaxes your poor tummy and stops those horrid dry heaves. I have Egyptian Licorice Tea, I have Twinnings Tea various kinds, tea from Harrods in the UK. I have Tetley but my favorite tea is Ty-phoo. It's mellow turns out perfectly every time!

It's my first and last cup of tea . I steep my tea for approximately 2:00 minutes. My taste..with some cream and a little Splenda. I gave up sugar a while ago and now have come to prefer this sweetener. So I decided to make tea the more traditional way. Put some water in the kettle, swish it around to make sure there are no surprises at the bottom of the kettle. I was draining the water pouring it down the sink I looked the water was murky, not clear but coming out almost milky.... I kept rinsing asked my son if there was a problem that he had, both boys are tea drinkers too. I went on to tell him about the colour. He said Mom, "That's milk" "Milk"? Why is there milk in the water kettle? They decided to make hot chocolate, didn't feel like taking out a pot, putting milk in the pot but use the kettle instead. YOU KNOW IT'S ONE OF THOSE ROLL YOUR EYE BALL MOMENTS WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS!
You can't wash the milk residue around the coils in the kettle with dish detergent, or can you? Hmmm not about to try. I used to drink a lot of coffee, I would brew a pot and I'd go through it in a couple of hours, making a smaller one in my French Press. Maybe the only thing I am grateful for Chemo, it really curtailed my taste for the drink. I may have a cup 1x per week from Timmies. (TIM HORTONS). I seriously drank far too much coffee. I don't drink smoke or participate in loose lacivious behaviour( hahaha though that might be fun) Coffee was my biggest vice. Now I am a tea drinker, I do drink several cups during the day and evening. Cetainly not these wishy washy Bone China cups. I love them pretty to look at in fact I have many. When I was downsizing I packed them all in a box. To me a cup should be big so you know you had a good cup of tea. I drink from the same big mug. No one touches it.... lol
My friend Marva from Michigan is sending me some boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Canadian Girl Guides really have to catch up!! Love them but they need more variety..Marva's daughter is selling them. Just what I need to go with my tea. ..... Up till today I have been munching on Barbecue rice bisquits.....

Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

I have never been one to buy in to all of the hoopla about Valentine's Day. I never understood the logic of how one day you could buy a bouquet of flowers for $20.00 at the grocery store, turn around today the same identical bouquet has been inflated double the price. Or roses, roses are beautiful but certainly not worth over $100.00 a dozen. Do we really love that special someone differently on this day because to me it seems like we have been brainwashed to believe we do. I have told all those I have dated over the years please donot waste your time buying me flowers but if you still insist I need something living get me a herb garden or an African Violet. I have a few violets for a number of years and I think they were less than two dollars. I appreciated those more than a gummy stale box of chocolates and flowers that wilt in a matter of hours never mind days. I have friends who expect and insist there spouse or significant other go to extremes to prove their love for them. Dinner hotel room, gifts, other things. OK if you are in a position to afford all these niceities and this will help solidify yor relationship then what about the rest of the days in the year that should be just as meaningful? Maybe I've been out of the loop too long. Last year I admit though my good friend sent me 2 dozen roses. They looked lovely on my table but within a day they had already started to wilt.

Since my son was small I do buy a small box of chocolates for him and this year I will get one for Nate too. That tradition I don't mind keeping.

I had this wonderful eccentric old uncle that by rights was quite wealthy. He owned several pieces of rental properties.Yet he lived in a one bedroom boarding house. He bought all his clothes from the Salvation Army, though he had drawers filled with brand new items. He saved them all so he could send his other family in Poland new things. He was kind generous when he came to visit there was an automatic gift of a couple of dollars or he'd bring you chocolates. He was a marvelous great uncle. We all loved him and all his eccentricities. He never ever forgot a birthday or special holiday. The last Valentine Card I received from him was during Christmas. He was already 89 and he got his cards mixed up. That was the last card. He died the following March.

I admit though now that I am entering into my 3rd year of diagnosis my second is in a few days. I don't feel as secure. In the back of my mind. It all goes back to that inner anxiety and fear of Cancer. You eat breathe and sleep with those thoughts in your mind. I haven't met one person on this road that hasn't. You want to be around for many holidays and special occasions. Yet there is that awful awful negative voice that no one hears except you asking yourself you wonder how many more Valentines Day you'll be here for?! Hell with it. Tomorrow on February 14, 2011 I am going to go to the grocery store buy myself a bouquet of flowers. So I pay 20 bucks more I'm worth it....

Are we for real?

2011-02-08T02:06:00.001-05:00

Yesterday afternoon I was looking out my kitchen window and saw a hawk sitting on one of the bare branches of a Maple Tree. He sat there for a short time looked around flew away. I haven't seen a hawk around here in a long time, he was so beautiful just sitting there. There was fresh snow everywhere it was a post card moment but I didn't have my camera handy. . It was so peaceful watching him.

I have been feeling down the past couple of weeks. Part of it is due to the few people we have lost in recent weeks and months. You become so accustomed to reading their blogs daily suddenly it feels like the rug was pulled out abruptly. It dawns on you that that's it no more words of encouragement funny anecdotes, stories it ends there with their final blog.

Cancer makes you feel so vulnerable . You can be fine and suddenly feel yourself going into an emotional meltdown yet again! I feel under appreciated, not being heard, ignored . I keep hoping my family would be in touch more but I should know better by now. If you are ignored like this in life what will happen after you are gone? I have not been happy with the two young men in my house either. Dishes I wake up every morning to a sink full,but with pots & pans as though they are up cooking a gourmet meal. I donot like dirty dishes. When you have a sink full no matter how tidy you are it still seems a mess!! As to the way of preventing cutting off my baby finger, someone suggested I buy a pair of butchers gloves with the chain link lol

We lose control when we least expect to . Someone recently told me that blogging interests are like fads,having make believe friends we can "blog" to. When there is no one to have "real conversation with I was really angry at this statement not only because of the ignorance but the assumption WE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE

Blogging is such a wonderful tool in all capacities from a housewife talking child rearing or sharing her chocolate chip recipes to Doctors sharing their discoveries with others. There is such a vast amount of information on every possible subject on every level being real is not even questionable.
I have enjoyed the interaction between so many wonderful women. I love my conversations with Cheryl from Australia. Technology has given us this wonderful way of communicating with others right away instead of Snail Mail that might take weeks or at times not at all if mail becomes lost.

Over the past couple of years I have learned so much. Especially that so many of our hurts are so similiar. We go through these periods of adjustments trying to live our "New Normal" I still haven't quite figured that one out. When we lose someone it's felt as though you were physically there all along.

I sometimes find that non cancer people as well meaning as they may seem, really can say dumb things without giving thought to what they are saying. Someone said to me at a baby shower recently. you are about to pass two years, do you think you'll make it to five? Do you worry if you'll make the next three years?? Say it to yourself first before you say it to the person with Cancer. If it sounds ridiculous when you say it , it probably is......Please Please don't tell your friend to try and not think about cancer or tell us to pretend it's not there. Sorry as far as I know you can't wish it away. If you could I'm sure we would have caught on by now!!

I am no longer taking ARIMIDEX. I can feel the difference in my joints though my left ankle and knee still have quite a bit of pain. I started TAMOXIFEN......Let's not talk Hot Flashes!! I have noticed a little difference in the vision in my left eye. I seem to have a chronic case of eye strain. I just changed my eyeglasses. The Onc said to keep an eye if it gets worse to call him ASAP.

Catholic Guilt!

2011-01-31T02:06:00.000-05:00

I'm having one of these "so so" weekends , my emotions seem to be all over the map. I feel incredibly sad thinking of friends and family I have lost over the past few months. Yet I am so grateful for the new friends generated through sharing with others. In one of the blogs I read Nancy's daughter wrote about grieving for a grandparent. I can fully put myself along side with her. I still have people I need to grieve for but for some reason I can't. Not sure whether I am not mentally prepared or if this is the way they would want it. Or that is a protection mechanism I want to kick scream and cry for my brother. It's going on 2 years that he died. All I can think is that he died alone drunk, lay on the bathroom floor for two days before he was found. That image stays with me. Instead of thinking about his sweetness his sense of humour this is what I remember. Or me calling around to various Priests, my brother did not have absolution of all his sins!! He was going to Purgatory for 200 hundred years. My good girl Catholic upbringing with visions of my standing in the Principals office having to say Five Hail Mary's and Five Our Father's when I was 6 because I dared to take a Communion wafer and I had not made my First Holy Communion yet. Damn the guilt that Catholics put on ourselves!!

Seems comical now when you think of it .I have lived with Purgatory hanging over my head for all these years! When I was in hospital during my low blood count episodes, the Hospital Priest came to see me. He said the "Prayers for the sick and dying" I wasn't dying... Whew!! I was finally absolved!! No Purgatory for me!!

I make no apologies I am not outwardly boastfully religious where I would want someone to believe as I do. Religion is very personal. I love my Catholic roots. I say the Rosary everyday I will never agree on the stands the church takes on various important issues that do have consequences. I have been very outspoken on those too.

My hand is healing on the side it was cut but I swear one day I am going to cut my finger off at the base. I almost did twice tonight. Washing dishes. I didn't see the pizza cutter in the dish drain I was washing out a few things after dinner and slid my finger right across. I felt a little twinge after but not during. It was only a minor cut but could have been worse. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do to prevent these accidents from repeating themselves. The second time I was preparing for the nurse to come in the morning to flush my port. I have a large box of supplies with Heprin gloves and misc. stuff. Again without knowing I slid my finger across the sharp edges of the box and again another cut. With the feelings in my fingers going it's getting harder to keep my hand safe unless I wrap a huge bandage to protect it in advance of anything.. Have to figure something out.

Another weekend has come and gone.....Brace yourselves, we are about to be hit by a whopper snowstorm on Tuesday.. But then again that's what they have said all winter. Still waiting!

Cubital Tunnel Syndrome

2011-01-27T04:47:00.001-05:00

Tonight I had a serious confrontation between my hand and a very sharp knife. I opened the drawer in my kitchen never noticed that someone had put one of my very sharp Henkel Knives blade side up. I put my hand baby finger ring finger side full force on the blade and cut myself quite badly ending up with 2 stitches in my hand. Over the course of the past few weeks I have lost more and more feeling in that side of my hand. I have noticed that fine motor skills are weaker, I can't hold change in my hand or it slides out. Gripping things also has become difficult. The Dr I saw at the clinic seems to think the nerves are compressed which of course causes the nueropathy, the compression also is likely because of the Lymphodema in my arm which exacerbates the problem more. I do have the sleeve & glove now but wearing the glove constricts my hand so you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I could feel the Deterioration in my hand getting worse but to not able to sense anything like the blade of a knife was very scarey. Some times my two fingers lock, I have to physically manipulate them to put them back into place.
He did put a name to it saying he believes it could be Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. That I should see a specialist that hand issues are his/her speciality. Most definitely. He went on to say cutting my hand as I did was an eye opner of what can happen if left untreated...It seems to be a common problem with those who have diabetes. I had all the tests and that was fine. Chemotherapy primarily Taxitore leaving long term side effects.

Later today our dear friend Daria will be put to her final rest. So many wonderful things have been said about her. Her continuous effort to educate people. Most of all her humanity..

Daria, May You Rest In Etennal Peace......

Love Alli.........XX

Give them and inch ..they will take a thousand miles instead.

2011-01-26T00:04:00.000-05:00

Just when I became used to my son taking a trip on his own. A few weeks back Montreal, April they are planning a trip to California.
If my eyes could have rolled back far enough in my head I probably would have swallowed them whole.
They plan on going to Palm Springs to a huge music festival that I never heard of. then again why would I our taste in music differ on a major scale.
How many are going? 7 of them. how long do you plan on staying....one week. How are you going to get there ? (silly question) Fly of course so "mom" your job is to see if you can find cheap seats and accomodations. Wait a second!! I haven't agreed to let you go!! Though I know he would find a way anyway .. He has his own money he was planning on taking a trip. I really don't object that much apart from the normal aches and pains letting your children go. That part isn't as easy as one might think.
I never said I wanted an empty nest, in fact he can stay till he's old and naahhhh maybe that's a bit of a stretch. I bought him and electric shaver the other day. But I had to fnd an attachment that gives you a "Dirty shave" In other words a 5 oclock shadow. I thought the point was to get a clean close shave. That would be like shaving your legs leaving a stubble... lol the more I try and understand them, the less I understand them...Still I can't imagine how boring my life would be without them...

About California? Well thinking back... I still remember my trip to Greece when I was 18. Unforgettable......

It is now two weeks since I have stopped taking ARIMIDEX. I have noticed quite a significant change in many areas. My joints are still sore but not to the extent they were trying to crawl out of bed and merely walking doesn't cause the severe pain it did. My left ankle is still quite swollen for some reason I am retaining a lot of fluid on that side. Lymphodema is quite the pain in my arm and elsewhere.... No explainations I'm sure lol

My mood seems to have picked up. A couple of people commented that I am begining to sound like the "Old Alicia" Chipper in a good mood, less moody definitely not as grumpy!. I concur I feel much better. I suppose waking up day after day in pain will contribute to not feeling very happy. My nueropathy in my left hand is bothersome. I can't hold change in my hand very well without it all falling.
On a side note, we finally have taken down the Christmas tree today...I was a little sad to see it shoved in a box after standing for more than a month. I told the boys to leave it we'll hang red & pink hearts over it....It was time.....

Daria...

2011-01-23T04:14:00.002-05:00

In the next coming days there will be many things written about our fellow blogger Daria.

My daily routine began by reading Daria's blog while having a cup of tea. This was consistant from the first time I was introduced to her blog. I was going through one of my favorite sites KIJIJI always looking to see what I didn't need in the buy or sell, I found Daria in the FREE STUFF section. The best bargain I could have ever found!!

I don't believe there is one person who could have had a negative experience with her. Daria exuded the true meaning of staying positive through the most difficult situations. . From her Youtube clips, her daily updates. Her personal experiences dealing with Metastatic Breast Cancer.
I am no fan of the pink ribbon campaign with all the phoney objectifying of "things" to buy to prove you support the cause.

The cold hard fact is we fear this place. When someone we know dies whether they were a blogger or knew them personally that fear surfaces. We all feel it we may not talk about it but it is there. There isn't the option of a "Fairytale" ending where everyone lives Happily Ever After! There is nothing endearing about Cancer, It is a terrible horrible illness to have.

Daria participated in various Trials and Studies. I can't imagine that it was easy for her trying things that yet were not available. Not knowing what the side effects might be or if she was receiving a placebo. She was a force to be reckoned with!!

Daria........may you find Eternal Rest & Peace. When these trials become the drugs we use to combat cancer. Your name will be up there as one of the pioneers in trying to achieve a cure Daria took the most unselfish risks not just for herself but for all of us who are in this constant fight together.!!

We owe Daria a debt of gratitude!!

Love Alicia..........XXXOOO

Pray for Daria......

2011-01-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

I was going to write a long post about my appointment with the Oncologist on Monday.
However none of that seems terribly important to me right now.
Reading Daria's blog over the past week, we could see that there were serious issues developing ..

Pray for Daria and her husband, if you are not into prayers hug a tree , Say your Rosary, Prayer Beads. Anything you use. Pray to whomever...or just say a few words for her.
It's amazing how you come to depend on your Blogging Friends" We read, support and we circle our friends when the need is the greatest...

Give Daria's husband Don the care he now needs too.

Love Alli........XOXO

Does The Pain Ever Stop?

2011-01-16T08:15:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling increasingly frustrated this week. More so than usual. I went back on ARIMIDEX this past Monday. We thought we would try two weeks on two off. To me it feels a little like Russian Roulette taking chances in those inbetween times. In fact I spoke with my pharmacist tonight and he said to be careful.He was very up front telling me I was leaving myself wide open. I am begining to think the most honest answer we will receive is from our Phrmacist. After all this is his work , concoting correct amounts of meds etc.
He said to get on something stay on it not on off every other week. We talked options, even he conceded there is not much out there.
Tamoxifen you risk endometrial cancer, Pulmonary embolisms, cataracts. You are urged to have your ovaries removed. OK I'm not going to use them any longer thanks to Chemopause. Femara has similar side effects to Arimidex. So do I go from one to the other? All I know is I have come to the conclusion that this pain is no longer acceptable. It controls my days, any activities I have planned. I need to get my life back. I was supposed to go on Vacation in March I can't go because it would be impossible to get around fairly easily. If all goes well later this year will work out hopefully.

For now I will seriously sit down with so called experts, have them tell me again what's good for me,
Maybe then I can start taking my life back somewhat!!
Has anyone else had these issues with the meds that are supposed to be saving our lives?
Sometimes I laugh because there are days it doesn't feel this way pain is in total control over your joints wishing there was a quick fix that would ease things up a little.. The other day I was standing at a reception desk checking into an appointment. I was taking off my jacket...A guy came out of nowhere knocked into me it seemed he pushed so hard I was about to fall backwards. A man sitting in a chair saw what was about to happen, stood up braced me so I wouldn't fall. I thought geez am I such a weakling now that a bump could nearly throw me on my ass? Noooo this stops now.....

A difference a few days make.....

2011-01-11T04:22:00.001-05:00

My son decided to go on his first trip with a group of friends. He just turned 18 I promised him concert tickets but I thought it was in Toronto, the concert was in Montreal. The entire week I never mentioned a thing thinking well he must have forgotten by now. How ridiculous lol Thursday he went had his hair trimmed bought new shoes, I coyly asked what was he prepping for? "Aww Come on mom" You know I'm going to Montreal today"! "Today? I thought you were leaving Friday not Thursday"
I really don't think I wanted him to go......

The kids left at around 7:00pm. One of the boys has a Toyota SUV one of the safer cars on the road. Said our goodbyes kissed him on the cheek told him to buy a telephone card to call me. Lecture about safe driving , drinking and last but not least Condoms. Hey it's the reality. I have never been one to shy away from what might seem uncomfortable topics when it comes to him. They arrived at the Hotel at around 5:00am My son called when they checked in. You know it was one of those "Whew"! moments. He went on to tell me about the lake effect snow around Kingston, how they had to drive slow, not sure if I wanted to know all the details but glad he did say. Friday they slept in a bit however they did do a little sightseeing in old Montreal. I love the area in warmer weather with all the street cafes and vendors. There is always such a warm ambiance sitting at a Bistro table sipping on hot Italian coffee. Watching people pass by. What I enjoyed doing, he now does. Friday night off to the concert.Seeing a group called the "Beetroots" OK......
They decided to stay over till Sunday, just to do a little more sightseeing and visting a cousin of one of the boys who went along. I was glad when he finally arrived home.
I calld him into my room asked if we could chat for a few moments. I think he thought there was a lecture looming over his head.

I asked him to sit down I proceeded to "Thank him" for calling me putting my mind at ease . Told him I was glad he had a good time and now that we have the "Initial" trip out of the way future ones won't be as nearly as difficult . I felt at that moment our relationship changed. It wasn't about me being a busy - body mom More like 2 grown-ups having a nice conversation over a cup of tea...

*Update* Talked to my step-dad about the situation with my meds being stolen. I should have known that would be his que..... loool "See if you had a husband or even a man staying with you this never would happen"! hahaha hey he's in his 80's

A Nightmare

2011-01-09T00:53:00.001-05:00

Today has been an absolute nightmare. I can't recall a worse day so far and I hope not to go through one like this again...

My Oncologist called in a prescription for pain medication. I was having bone & joint pain that was debilitating. The last delivery had already gone for Friday I would have to wait till Saturday.
I waited till after 1:00pm my meds still had not arrived. I called the pharamacy they informed me they were delivered in the morning left in my mail box. Left in my mail box?? I was utterly gob struck because I have to sign for this particular drug as it is a Narcotic.. .... Here's the problem it was not left at my house but elsewhere. The driver told the drug store he left it at a house with orange bricks, well boo for him my house is white!! By this time several hours had passed since "delivery" My medication was no where to be found. I contacted the landlady who owns the home, she immediately gave me the number of the tennants. They checked the boxes nothing! There is a two fold issue here, not just the medication. When you pick up your prescription there is a print out made of what meds you have, what you have taken how many repeats are available. Your prescrpition numbers that can be called in and picked up. So I have my personal information floating out there as well with my address and telephone number. Because a narcotic was involved there is now a police investigation on going. My privacy has been invaded. Who knows what hands this drug is in, could it be a teenager? An adult and addict? Or kids?? I have never felt so sick in my life with this uncertainty hanging over my head.

After this incident I spoke with the pharmecuetical manager she told me this was not the first time he had left a prescription in a mail box or get a signature . I was shocked. When you are hiring delivery personal should they not go through a background check to make certain there is nothing there that could create problems? Like a former addiction problems with the Law anything that will cause concern? We are talking about delivering medication to hundreds of people with different kinds of illnesses. The previous driver was on the ball. He would make you read your name to be certain this was yours. Made certian you signed on the dotted line before he released the drug to you.
You give your trust to these companies believing they are working in your best interest.
This is far from over. Monday I contact the head office lodge an official complaint. Until then I have to worry . It's bad enough having to resort taking the pills because of pain but when they disappear are stolen possibly sold on the street This situation becomes very serious and my worst Nightmre!!

What's wrong with being lazy?

2011-01-04T02:34:00.001-05:00

Look at this, it's already January 3 2011. For the past two days I have done absolutely nothing!! Friends call ask what I was doing, response:: Nothing I'm spending my time watching cooking shows laying in bed drinking tea! they were aghast, how could I just be doing nothing?! Easy just don't do a damn thing, put your feet up don't get dressed I stayed in my new Christmas nightie for 2 days. I rather enjoyed staying in my bedroom, I dusted sorted out my perfume put them in some kind order. Read some of my book in fact I hardly spoke on the phone. I decided I was going to give myself the "ME" time I always promise myself but never did find the time or the timing was never right. It was the start of the year instead of procrastinating I did it! I didn't cook for anyone. Fed the pets of course. I had planned on taking the tree down but it looks so pretty I think I will leave it till Ukrainian Christmas is over lol. For my step-dad even though he no longer acknowledges holidays.

A friend of mine called quite worried wondering if there was something I hadn't told her. Has my cancer spread did they find something else wrong? I tried to reassure her the best I could "there was nothing wrong, I'm not hiding anything from her. I was starting to think that maybe I need to send out pre-laziness e-cards explaining to folks I plan on being LAZY until whatever comes up. It will save me from doing laundry except my nighties and socks. I don't have to wash dishes. In fact I'm not even going to make my bed!!
Friends , family are always telling me to "REST" okiiiiiiie dokieeeeeee I'm trying really I am, doing as you ask problem is I have to answer calls, emails and any other modes of communication why I REALLY am being Lazy................................

Another New Year"!!

2010-12-30T23:50:00.000-05:00

It is true, time doesn't stand still. In fact it races by before you realize a year has passed then two then twenty before you know it nearly an entire lifetime. For me two years has been an entire lifetime of recent uncertainties, what if's and possibilities. Two years has creeped up since I was diagnosed. I had one surgery then the second the following year. Buy you know, the more I thought aboit it the more I realized that my Oncologist has never said those magic words to me. That I was in remission, Odd I thought. Then the mind starts working overtime, well he didn't tell me because I'm not !! Last year I had my 6 month appointment went into his office excited and here was the news they found a few cancer cells . Recommended? Surgery in a months time,. That was in March surgery was in June. Frankly this year has worn me out is so many ways. My father died lst Dec. 20/09. I am still trying as hard as I can to adjust myself to my younger brother not being here. I found some photos of him smiling , happy he had gained some weight. Those were the last photos I have of him. My sister and I that situation hasn't improved. So I keep back from confrontations.
My step-dad still asks if I met someone who might like to marry me. Now he says flaws and all. Meaning I have no breasts. I don't say anything he's a great guy and he is 84 years old, plus he keeps his own love life rockin....
There are days I would like to have someone in my life. Other times I ask how fair will it be to be involved and I become sick? Sounds like a sorry ass version of "Love Story"
There are times I forget I had my breasts taken off then I get a dose of reality. Then on the flip of the coin I tell myself if this is what and who I'm about they don't desrve the rest of the package.

But here we are the end of the year,. Whatever was ...was! I would like to take this time to "Thank You" for all your kind support. Whether it was reading and joining my blog or just a few words of good advice.
I appreciate your candor, encouragement. The friendships and bonds which we have formulated

Without going into a lot of talk...
Wishing you all Peace Love and a Happy New Year. All the very best to you and your loved ones in the coming 2011.

Love & Best Wishes..............Alicia.........xxx

Another Year Another Christmas......

2010-12-26T02:05:00.000-05:00

So here it is December 26, 2010. All the hoopla, shopping frenzy for Christmas Day is now over. Aww but wait, Boxing Day madness is about to fall on our heads first thing in the AM standing in line with the rest of the crazy people looking for a bargain. I can see all the computer geeks looking for the latest the greatest the fastest running for the least amount of money. Got to admit those are my kind of bargains!!

We have 2 desktops and 1 laptop. My desktop no one touches. Alarms bells and whistles go off if you make any attempt to start it. Lol. I paid quite a bit just for the box and I don't want others downloading their music ummm pictures of the erotic kind that teenage boys enjoy looking at hahaha... I am now in the midst of looking for a new monitor. I found just what I'm looking for 24 inches the colours are brilliant and I have to have it! I am going to be at the store at 6:30am and going to be one of the five that snags one!!

I ended up getting my son a lap top for Christmas. His birthday is in less than 2 weeks. I made it clear that this was a combined gift and I cannot make another big purchase for his birthday, he was OK with that. But he did ask if he could ge a tattoo and a list of other things. You know kids don't get that in order to take money out of the bank (INTERAC) it has to get there first. It doesn't just appear..He was very happy with his gift.

So here it was at last Christmas morning. Adam woke up at 5:00am, came into my room announced it was time to get up. I politely told him that he was to come back in 2 hours. He did loool
So the chaos began in my living at exactly 7:01am . Gift number one was a long boa scarf the kind you can wrap around your neck at least twice. Perfume I think it was "Sex in the City" You could get 2 for the price of 1, so why not take advantage of a great deal?!! well OK it's not bad but wear sparingly for your own protection hahaha. Third gift I received one of these fleece "Snugglie Blankets" Like a blanket with sleeves. My son said it looked like you wear your housecoat backwards. I love those I always wanted one. I thought pink, red or blue. I got Leopard spots !! Too funny!! I did receive a lovely gift of Nina Ricci perfume. That was a pleasant surprise. So here I am wrapped up in my Snuggli Blanket with Leopard spots, my boa scarf in bright blue spritzed with perfume that mixing the combination had taken a scent of their own.The doorbell rang my friend stood there with her mouth gaping open...All she could figure out what to say was. "Geez Alli you look like a French Madam in charge of a Bordello... She was bringing me a pair of fluffy fuzy slippers. I always complain my feet get cold... We had such a good laugh.

Christmas at out home turned out just right!! The laughs the giggles.
The gigantic Christmas tree. It's one I'm going to always remember. The boys went beyond and above to make sure I had a good Christmas...

Dinners and Families

2010-12-18T02:28:00.001-05:00

I still have a couple of small things I need to pick up from the store. Plus a few groceries for next weekend too.. There is just going to be three of us so I need to decide quickly what to buy in way of a bird. Two that really strike me are Cornish Game Hens or Duck. I used to make a wonderful duck a l'orange with this marvelous orange glaze. I would simmer the peel for hours letting it come to that perfect syrup stage. Of course not throwing out the orange rind, I always cut it in circles, very carefully placing the rind over the duck. cooking till perfection though duck is very fatty , don't let your duck sit flush on the roasting pan. I have made Goose once but found it very dry. I want something other than Turkey. The Game hens I may make with a delicious Pomegrante/Cranberry glaze stuffed with Wild Rice. Served with multi-coloured fingerling potatoes roasted in the oven with rosemary sprigs, Crab apples on the side. With a winter vegetable.
My cousin just arrived back from Texas, they have a trailer there. Both are retired teachers. They winter only coming home for the holidays. My other cousin just is here over the holidays then back to Australia He lives between Melbourne and Ottawa,... My older brother and family are spending the holidays with their children and grandchildren . My Step-dad no longer celebrates the holidays or birthdays. He was what we called him a Closet Jehova's Witness. After my mom died they came in droves now he stands on street corners too. Oh he has tried over the years to convert but I am quite happy with my own religion. I would never be rude to him but he does know my position and either you respect it or you must leave.
Our family get togethers have all but disappeared. My sister has a standing invitation with whomever, since she's single living in the same city . My auntie who is in her 80's goes to my cousins. Which she should.

We live approximately an hour away from each other. Yet there has never been an invitation extended to come to dinner. In fact I was omitted from my neices Bridal Shower list on the silly belief it was too far. At this point I was still driving. For Heavens sake I drove fron Tanzania all the way to South Africa on my own, so driving on the QEW wouldn't be a biggie!! You would think an ocean was inbetween us.. lol

As much as I would love to have an old fashioned Christmas dinner, singing Carols, all the women clammering in the kitchen seeming busy. Hearing Boney M on the stereo. In my lifetime it won't happen. Those days are long gone.. Oh I have asked invited them to come to my place.My sister will never travel on a bus lol She has never in 18 years ever given my son a gift for any occasion. She's a bit on the racist side though she keeps denying!! The rest well you can make excuses till you no longer care.

It will be the three of us. I did ask others for some reason that I can't pinpoint I really wanted my family around. It will be a year in two days on the 20th that my bio father died. He had the most beautiful blue eyes I have seen on a man . He never knew I had cancer. He suffered a series of mini strokes basically losing his memory. It would have pained him too much to know.
Now he would have come to dinner!!

Not My First Melt-Down!

2010-12-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

I admit to having a mini meltdown the other day with this excrutiating pain in my joints.
I'm tired of having to go through this day after day leading into weeks. This is supposed to last 5 years?
Last year when I was hospitalized due to a low white count, I saw a OBGYN. Very nice Doctor, personable. But I felt after meeting him he was standing there waiting for me at the end of the corridor with scalpel in hand ready to pluck out those ovaries. While he's there he may as well do a hysterectomy get rid of all the parts I no longer need. HOLD ON ONE SECOND HERE!!!
No I am not prepared to have my insides removed. Whether I need them or not at this point is irrelevant.
I remember him telling me that it was much better to have the surgery done now before you have problems rather than waiting till you have endometrial cancer. Yes sireee folks, the side effects from Tomaxifen can be ENDOMETRIAL CANCER!! So it's not enough to contend with Breast Cancer all the treatment that ensues, trying to make important decisions for the next few years you also have to worry about your indoor plumbing going wrong! "Sheesh" It's like a comic book, stay tuned for book #2
Another thing it is impossible to discuss these issues with people who just don't know! You get , "tough it up just take the damn thing, if it's like that and you have pain don't you think it means the medication is working"? umm NO~! When I take a tylenol for a headache I don't expect my headache to get worse.

On to another subject....Here is my Christmas Tree all 71/2 ft of it. Decorated to the hilt. It's very flashy

Pain, Pain and more Pain!

2010-12-14T22:03:00.001-05:00

The past couple of weeks I have been doing as my oncologist suggested. We are tying to see how much the Arimidex is responsible for my bone and joint pain.We decided to try two weeks off and two weeks on. The first few days I didn't notice any difference the joints still hurt. I noticed as the week progressed heading into week two I wasn't experiencing a lot of discomfort in fact I could actually move without groaning every 10 minutes. By the end of the week I could tie up my shoes without my toes feeling like swollen stubs at the end of a foot.

Sunday was "D" day I was taking my next round of Arimidex.. Monday I was feeling a little off, today the side effects hit me like a two ton weight. I woke up tried to get out of bed felt that awful pain in my knee joints I was having severe cramps in my left calf. All I could do was swear, mutter under my breath that that didn't take long! My ankle damn!! Every step I took it felt like it would snap. However I was not going to let that deter me from what I had to do today. I needed to go shopping, leaving earlier I was less likely to get caught up in the mobs of busy shoppers. I walked on length of the mall. Luckily Chapters was right there. I went in had a coffee from Starbucks. I just sat there to what seemed an eternity. I didn't want to get up I was in so much pain by this time. All the way home sitting in the taxi I felt like crying my legs hurt so badly, my ankle was killing me it was a constant throbbing in my leg. I almost dreaded my house coming in to view that meant I had to move, climb those stairs to my apartment.. The driver was great, he carried everything into the main little porch offered to carry them up but the boys were home from school already. After they carried the bags I made my way virtually crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees. My hip joint hurt, the small of my back ached. I got undressed and went to bed. popping a couple of strong pain meds hoping that would quickly sedate me!! lol
The answer to the million dollar question, Yes the ARIMIDEX is causing me great angst! Not forgetting Agony Trick question do I stay on or do I go off totally? I mean all drugs because it seems they all do the same thing...

In Memory Of.........

2010-12-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

In the coming days there will be many tributes for Elizabeth Edwards, how she became the spokesperson of dying with dignity. How we should all take her example live the way she did to the end of her days.
To be honest I believe most of us who have Breast Cancer do or any Cancer for that matter.. We all have issues we have to deal with. Some of us philandering husbands that don't gain noteriety through the media. Nonetheless they are visible to the ones who knew us .If my ex husband were alive he'd have the Golden Balls Award!! But you know sometimes forgiveness comes into play even if you never take them back, you both come to terms. You can even become better friends than spouses. I am glad her husband was there for her at the end..

I have read many blogs along with articles written by women who have cancer. How they believed as long as Elizabeth was alive, they would be OK. Maybe it's me but I don't get that kind of thinking or clinging to false hope. I learned long ago that with cancer you can never predict. The news stations gave her weeks, she had but mere hours.

Sometimes this whole breast cancer issue just overwhelms me. I will never get used to having it. I fear the unknown. I keep thinking of numbers and stages and wonder some more. I know I should stop and I do then I don't it's like a cycle that keeps repeating itself over and over again. I hate that I can't discuss this with my family. If you don't think about it it might just go away. I decided this year instead of sending Christmas Cards I would write a personal note thanking family & friends for the support they have given me these nearly two years. Do you know someone actually told me that I shouldn't tell people it might scare them away? I stood there HUH??? How does this person think that I feel, I crossed hers off my list lol.

Yesterday Elizabeth Edwards died. May she Rest In Peace Forever.. Yesterday hundreds of women died of Breast Cancer. May they also Rest In Peace!

Christmas is very soon. I am going to enjoy my Griswold tree, eat cookies, bake some more and always, always keep these very brave women who have passed away this year, some of who I knew and others through blogging in my heart.