Ramblings after 3:00am

Do you ever get tired of people telling you that you have to keep that attitude in check because if you don't your cancer could come back?! I always wonder what possesses people to say stupid things. Ok  well intentioned  hmmmmm?? .Blaaaaaaaaaaaa enough already.If attitude was the cure  then you would be seeing people in deliriously great moods  happy and well.. I admit I haven't been in the best mood lately and I make no apology to anyone. I have to deal with some issues and being told my mood will contribute to a recurrence of cancer really  is not condusive in changing how I feel it just adds to it.

So we are being inindated with Christmas Specials movies and  music shows that never seem to change just repeated year after year. I am expecting the Rita McNeil Christmas Special from around 10 years ago to be shown any time. OK Michael Buble had his  first special - I didn't watch. Then there is this angel of a girl Jackie Evancho, she literally brings tears to my eyes with her beautiful voice.She had a PBS special the other night. I wish this little girl  success and hope she keeps grounded..

Tonight I watched the movie "Santa Who?" with Leslie Neilsen a good piece of Christmas fluff. Santa bumps his head falls off his Sleigh ends up having  amnesia in small town America. The Sleigh ends up in a parking lot, the reindeer in a lot selling Christmas trees.. Of course it took on the plot of someone who didn't believe in Santa but he's involved with a woman who naturally has a small child that guesses  who the man in the Santa suit really is at the department store. Not hard to figure out the rest of the plot especially when the Elves come from the North Pole looking for Santa...

 To make a long story short, all's well with the world when Santa remembers it's Christmas Eve here I am tears streaming down my cheeks crying that Santa found his way back, all the little kids were going to get their gifts, the non believer is now the opposite by the time the credits rolled on I was an emotional wreck. I can't blame it on being hormonal.

Once in a while I will get together with a few women who were doing chemo the same time as I was.I was approached this week invited for coffee, one of the women who is part of our little "Chemo Group" bubbly & cheerful was missing.Of course this time of year people are busy.  Two of the women looked at each other, said "Then you didn't hear"? Kerri died two weeks ago. Momentarily I felt like I was going to throw up right there. She was also diagnosed late stage Stage3 Grade3 , I spoke to her not even a month ago she was going to be sewing dresses for her daughters. She's the kind that loved to sew for the holidays putting Santa Claus on the skirts, holly bouquets....Making the holidays fun and festive. 
As much as you try not to, that nagging feeling never leaves you, no one can tell you to stop thinking about it, because it will make you paranoid. Well getting a diagnosis of cancer already set that in motion. As much as you don't think about it.  A certain amount of paranoia is already embedded in the way you think, react. Cancer makes you afraid. Our coffee outing turned into a tearful saying good bye to another woman, wife & mother to 2 daughters and one son, from Breast Cancer....It just never ends...We said our goodbyes, promised to stay in touch we looked at each other and I think we secretly wondered who was next? RIP KERRI....